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How to Report A Masturbator to the Authorities

How to Report A Masturbator to the Authorities

The act of masturbation is illegal in all 50 states and US territories where it is classified as a “lewd and lascivious” act. Police departments are actively seeking out masturbators, as they present a danger to society and the fines associated with this crime generate a lot of revenue for […]

by May 19, 2020 138 comments Morals, Trending
Introducing the STOP Masturbation NOW Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket®

Introducing the STOP Masturbation NOW Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket®

When was the last time you imagined your child masturbating? Not a pleasant thought, is it? From the creators of the wildly successful Anti-Masturbation Cross® comes latest in faith-based self-rape prevention technology, the Anti-Masturbation Strait-Jacket®!  Peace of mind is yours when you strap your little one into this miracle of modern […]

by May 4, 2020 126 comments Self-Rape Prevention
A Chilling Glimpse into the Mind of a Self-Rapist

A Chilling Glimpse into the Mind of a Self-Rapist

Please send all women and children out of the room before viewing the image!  

Is Masturbation a Homosexual Act?

Is Masturbation a Homosexual Act?

Friends, as you know, we here at STOP Masturbation NOW ministries are dedicated to educating the world about the dangers of masturbation.  One of the more disturbing faithfacts we have uncovered is that masturbation is a gateway homosexual act that has directly led to the moral decay of this great […]

by April 28, 2020 75 comments Faith Fact Series
Does Masturbation Hurt your Credit Score?

Does Masturbation Hurt your Credit Score?

(StopMasturbationNOW)—A good credit score can be a major factor in your quality of life. Anything from home ownership to the quality of spouse you attract is directly tied to your FICO score. Many things affect your credit score. If you’ve just moved to the USA then you may need to […]

by April 17, 2020 12 comments Money
You Will Never Climb to Heaven With Your Hands Full of Penis

You Will Never Climb to Heaven With Your Hands Full of Penis

Foolish is the masturbator who thinks he can enter God’s eternal kingdom! It is literally impossible for a self-rapist to ascend the golden rungs of the heavenly ladder if his hands are abusing his sin zones! -Lonnie

by April 7, 2020 13 comments Science
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Blood of Lonnie Childs Possible Virus Antidote

Faith scientists are hard at work analyzing the blood of our fearless leader, Lonnie Childs, in a bid to curb all known viruses in the world. The idea came to Brother Eli after he watched an undisclosed episode of a vintage TV show where “the hero’s blood was used as […]

by April 3, 2020 5 comments Science
The Dangers of Inappropriate Office Boners (I.O.B.) and How to Stop Them!

The Dangers of Inappropriate Office Boners (I.O.B.) and How to Stop Them!

Have you ever been afflicted by an Inappropriate Office Boner (I.O.B.) at work? It’s an embarrassing condition that can be caused by one of the following three things: too-tight slacks, the tawdry new intern and her suggestive clothing, or thoughts of carpet bombing a foreign nation such as Canada. The […]

Image by Mylene2401 from Pixabay

The Truth Behind the Toilet Paper Shortages

Toilet paper is out of stock everywhere. This is the reality that humans worldwide have been forced to contend with lately. However, the lieberal media would have you believe that “hoarders” or “preppers” are snapping of every roll of “white gold” they see. This is simply not true. Sources deep […]

by March 30, 2020 9 comments Money
Official White House Photo by Joyce N. Boghosian

Expert: Masturbation Rates Will Skyrocket Due to “Social Distancing”

President Donald Trump backed off of his “let’s open up America again for Easter” claims and has officially extended “social distancing” through April 30th. Faith Science Expert and our own fearless leader, Lonnie Childs, took to an evening fax to warn His followers. Brother Lonnie’s fax began by thanking all […]

by March 29, 2020 2 comments Lonnie Childs, Science
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