Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

November 18, 2015 // 2 Comments


Brother Lonnie Childs revealed today, that God himself, in all his Godly splendor and wisdom, decreed unto Brother Lonnie the command to augment the traditional Ten Commandments, and replace them throughout the Christian world with the New Eleven Commandments.

The Eleven Commandments remain largely unchanged save for the new First Commandment: Thou Shall Not Masturbate.

Brother Lonnie also calls for unanimous acceptance of this new Eleven Commandments in public and educational systems throughout the world.

” There’s no ifs, […]

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BLUFF Turns Away Syrian Self-Rapists

November 17, 2015 // 0 Comments

SAFFORD-AZ Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (BLUFF) has vowed not to accept any refugees from Syria into their campus in response to the revelation that masturbators may have entered Europe as part of a wave of migrants from the war-torn region. The move complicates the Obama administration’s plan to accept 10,000 Syrians into the country over the next year.

“I will not stand complicit to a policy that places our campus in Arizona in the hands of self-rapists,” a spokesperson for […]

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Save Not Shame! It’s what Lonnie Would Do.

November 17, 2015 // 1 Comment


During these tumultuous times, vicious rumors, and terrible evil seem to have befallen us all, which, is no doubt, the fault of masturbators ruining the Earth as the make themselves pawns to the sick, evil, plans of Satan.

But recently, we have all had to make sacrifices, and changes within our lives. Be it being beaten severely for destroying priceless religious artifacts, a diesel power station, befouling the well, burning Lonnie’s guest house, award-winning, mint-condition 1987 Buick Grand Sport and […]

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Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

November 14, 2015 // 5 Comments

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW!

The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who don’t have the advantages afforded to God’s preferred and most loved white children. It is already hard enough to reach these children of masturbaters before it’s too without Horner’s extracurricular activities […]

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Top Five Self-Rape Detterents

November 13, 2015 // 4 Comments


Even though the STOP masturbation NOW Ministries are busy fighting heathens, non-Normals, heretics, Big Masturbation, and Common sLIEnce, we can’t be there to help everyone beat off Satan all the time. As such, we have devoted a huge amount of resources and over $500,000 USD to compiling a list of the top deterrents of masturbation, that you too, can use at home and abroad, or whenever the need to curtail self-rape becomes duly necessary […]

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ESPN Actively Encouraging Men to Commit Sex Acts Upon Each Other

November 13, 2015 // 6 Comments

In today’s masturbation-fueled world, it should come to no surprise that Disney’s own ESPN has a segment on their NFL Sunday Pre-Game show called (of all things) “C’Mon Man!!!”

As you know, cumming on a man is something only another man can do, as women are not physically capable of orgasming. This disgusting act also involves masturbation. What’s shocking is that this sort of obscene campaign is taking place on what should be a manly, heterosexual television show.

Lately, the great sport […]

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Don’t Celebrate “Veterans Day”, Instead Celebrate “AMERICAN Veterans Day!”

November 10, 2015 // 6 Comments


It’s that time of year again, when we thank those who have sacrificed so much so that the rest of us can dominate the world.  Unfortunately, many so-called “Americans” tend to celebrate the military veterans of their country of origin instead of the greatest military superpower of the world, The United States.

This largely goes unnoticed unless you know what to look for. Typically, the modern day Benedict Arnold will greet you and say “Happy Veterans Day.” A patriotic American will […]

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Halloween vs Jesus Ween

October 30, 2015 // 7 Comments

For more information about Halloween visit:
For more information about Jesus Ween visit:

Original post found at Save Portland From Hell

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Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

October 28, 2015 // 5 Comments

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to separate themselves from the cancer which had overtaken their homeland and worship the Judeo-Christian deity in peace and freedom, unmolested by their liberal countrymen who forced their godless agenda deep […]

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Edward Scissorhands: The Best Anti-Masturbation Documentary Ever Filmed

October 21, 2015 // 9 Comments

I recently had the pleasure of watching the anti-masturbation documentary film Edward Scissorhands  on the HBO.  It must drive liberal Hollywood crazy that a moral film such as this has become such a massive hit!  The creators of this uplifting, moral movie deserve to be recognized.  Sleazy Hollywood would never bestow any kind of award or additional attention on a film such as this on their own, so we must take to the streets!  Please contact the Academy of Motion Movies and […]

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