Family Values Approved Halloween Ghost Cookies Recipe

October 12, 2015 // 0 Comments

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Fall is one of the best times of the year. Hard working Americans get to reap the fruits of their labor, football is back, and baseball gets its World Series. But another one of the best things of the fall is Halloween and all the fun costumes and treats. Today we share one of the best treats of the year…Ghost Cookies.


Here are the ingredients your wife will need:

22 chocolate wafer cookies
1 envelope (2-3/4 tsp) unflavored gelatin
1 cup granulated sugar
Brown […]

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Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

October 12, 2015 // 36 Comments

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by intolerant White LIEberals to erase Teepee Indians from our culture by renaming the Washington Redskins, Brother Lonnie has decided it is time for America to own up to it’s treatment […]

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Should Sexy Education be Taught in Schools?

October 11, 2015 // 2 Comments

Loyal follower and staunch non-masturbator, Paul Stanley, asks:

“Lonnie, should sex education be taught in public schools?”

Thank you for the question, Paul. Obviously the answer is “no”. For the past few decades, publicly schooled American children have fallen far behind their dastardly Oriental counterparts in scholarly subjects such as science, math and U.S. History. Do we really need to pollute their minds with masturbation lessons? America has been inching closer and closer to the embrace of Satan ever since secular politicians […]

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SMN Self-Rape Alert: ‘Black Mass’

September 29, 2015 // 2 Comments

SMN Safford, AZ-A new waste of film depicting violence and masturbation mob activity has been released by Hollywood. “Black Mass,” starring Johnny Deep is the latest screed garnering a code red rating for excessive self-rape imagery and immoral content by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the self-celibacy-in-media arm of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.).

Confounding the moralists at BLUFF, Hollywood continues to pump out masturbation epics that spill down upon our society in the […]

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September 22, 2015 // 10 Comments

Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences become apparent. Witness this lost soul, who we will call “Thomas Y.”, who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all times. If you encounter anyone who displays these symptoms DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HAND. If you must, offer a polite, sin-free fist bump and quickly excuse yourself and alert your […]

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KLHB: A Reading From the Good Book of Issaiac.

September 21, 2015 // 1 Comment

It is Lonnie, who sittith with Jesus at the right hand of Almighty God, that holds the key of Heaven’s Gate.

Admonish ye, all doers of evil, those that shalt spew and saturate the ground with their vile seed.

For theirs is the error through earthly pleasure through wines and drink and drugs, which turn them away from the Word of God.

And they touch their sex for pleasure, those that shalt dwell in the eternal inferno.

All tables of self rapists are full […]

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Facebook to Finally Allow you to Dislike Masturbators

September 15, 2015 // 7 Comments

(StopMasturbationNOW)—It has been long proven that masturbation is a top ten cause of disease and the leading cause of eroding family values. But masturbation material is constantly prevalent on Facebook. People post “selvies” in which they take pictures of themselves in ordure to encourage other people to masturbate to their image


Many of these selvie pictures involve mirrors, dinguses, cats, underwear, and milk sacks. As disgusting and immoral as they are they are somehow allowed because it’s the internets. But […]

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Help: My College Roommate Masturbates While Looking at Me

September 15, 2015 // 8 Comments

Dear Lonnie,
I recently started my first year of college and am sharing a dorm room. Its the first time I have ever shared a room with someone long term. It has only been about four weeks now but every night she masturbates, sometimes 2-3 times a night. It started the third night after we moved in, I heard some noises and some rustling and then some heavy breathing. I didn’t turn to look but eventually I heard some moaning and […]

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Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

September 14, 2015 // 0 Comments

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how terrible conditions are on Earth right now.

“Pope Francis just finally had enough,” explains Brother Dylan Stout of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “We got a direct call into the […]

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Pictures of People Watching a 19 Year old Girl Masturbate

September 14, 2015 // 5 Comments

(StopMasturbationNOW)—There is nothing in the universe more disgusting or selfish than female masturbation. To prove this point we got a $50,000 grant from the Federal Government and The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow.

Nothing is more true than someone’s natural instinct and immediate reaction. So we exposed 100 people to a 1 minute clip of an attractive 19 year old female masturbating the results were intense. In the end we had 6 people forced to seek medical assistance and one person […]

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