Archive for July, 2014

New Big Masturbation Sin Device (Video!)

New Big Masturbation Sin Device (Video!)

B.L.U.F.F. — Big Masturbation has released a horrifying new masturbation device in the guise of exercise equipment. Please protect your children by reporting and picketing the stores that are selling this device. WARNING: THIS VIDEO CONTAINS HORRIFYING DISPLAYS OF SIN AND SODOMY. PLEASE REMOVE WOMEN, CHILDREN, AND OTHER WEAK-MINDED INDIVIDUALS […]

by July 21, 2014 13 comments Money
Argentinian Man Masturbates 83 Times In 24 Hour Period – New World Record

Argentinian Man Masturbates 83 Times In 24 Hour Period – New World Record

La Falda, Argentina – Residents of a small town in Argentina are celebrating today as one of their own citizens has become the new record holder in the field of masturbation. From 8pm Thursday evening until 8pm Friday night, 22-year-old Hugo Lopez from the city of La Falda masturbated a […]

by July 21, 2014 15 comments Foreigners, Morals, Sports, World
Lonnie’s Followers Use Weird Trick to Achieve FaithGasm

Lonnie’s Followers Use Weird Trick to Achieve FaithGasm

  SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Here at Stop Masturbation Now, we eschew the practice of ejaculatory orgasm as a wasteful and sinful release. Our mission is to educate you of its negative physical and spiritual consequences. Ever since Onan spilled his seed upon the ground, men have been shooting putty with […]

Disgusting Heckler found to be Filthy Pervert

SMN and Lonnie Childs Heckler Charged with Masturbating in Front of Two Girls

HARVEY, Ill. (WLS) A man was arrested and charged after Harvey residents caught him masturbating in front of two girls in the south suburb, police said. Witnesses said he repeatedly claimed that his perverted act and shameful display of his small genitals was related to his anger at finding out […]

by July 21, 2014 7 comments Celebrity, Spot a Masturbator
Puppy Molested-Former SMN Deacon undergoes psychiatric testing

Puppy Molested-Former SMN Deacon undergoes psychiatric testing

By TheRev Leroy Jenkins EDWARDSVILLE, Ill. (BLUFF PRESS) – A southwestern Illinois man found mentally fit to stand trial on charges that he molested a puppy is waiting for court officials to decide if he’s a sexually dangerous person. The National Report  reports former Stop Masturbation Now Inner Deacon & […]

by July 20, 2014 9 comments Disciples
Hobby Lobby Employee Sues Over Right to Masturbate

Hobby Lobby Employee Sues Over Right to Masturbate

  A Coral Gables, Florida woman is suing her employer, Hobby Lobby, over their refusal to supply her with what she considers “birth control.” Linda Ferno, a seven year employee at the Coral Gables location of Hobby Lobby was hoping that her employer’s contribution to her government mandated health insurance […]

by July 20, 2014 14 comments Money, Politics
The Environmental Impact of Masturbation

The Environmental Impact of Masturbation

  It’s common knowledge that masturbation turns ordinary people into criminals and perfectly healthy people into Stephen Hawking. But what about our planet? Is the Earth feeling the sting of masturbation?   Your average masturbator burns between 50 to 150 calories with every masturbation session, depending on factors such as: […]

by July 18, 2014 117 comments Morals, Science, Weather, World
The Top 5 Things You Need To Tell Your Child About Masturbation

The Top 5 Things You Need To Tell Your Child About Masturbation

-Safford, AZ Masturbation is a terrible disease and a depraved, sinful act. The below are critical “tips” for parents of any age. As we know, children may begin to explore their sin zones and masturbating at any age- watch them. Watch them closely. You never know when Satan enters your […]

Police Endorsed Anti-Masturbation Program Nets Incredible Results

Police Endorsed Anti-Masturbation Program Nets Incredible Results

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — (SMNNN) Borrowing from a popular anti-prostitution program in Phoenix, Arizona, the Safford, Arizona police department has started Project L.O.N.N.I.E. in an attempt to get masturbators off the streets. Project L.O.N.N.I.E. (Leading Outlaw Non-Normals Into Enlightenment) was ushered in when Lonnie Childs of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith […]

by July 17, 2014 21 comments Self-Rape Prevention
B.L.U.F.F and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow spare no expense in this cutting edge, ultra-expensive graphic pie-chart.

Another Graph Proves SMN Ministries Right Again

SAFFORD, ARIZONA (SMNNN) Yet another graph developed by the joint team of Faithgraphics technicians at B.L.U.F.F. GRAPHCENTER and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow has been released. This time, the handy pie-chart style graph,  (so named because of the graph’s resemblance the pastry known as “pie”), clearly outlines the casualties […]

by July 17, 2014 13 comments Morals, Science, Self-Rape Prevention, Trending
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