New Mascot Unveiled to Help Teach Mexican Kids The Sins Of Masturbation

March 31, 2015 8

Fappy

(StopMasturbationNOW)—After the fantastic success of our Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin program we had a lot of requests for him to speak to many Mexican areas of our country and around the world, the problem is as everyone knows, dolphins don’t speak Mexican. So thanks to a $50,000 research study that was funded by the US Federal Government, Mexican council of Food, and the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow, we have found a way to reach the world’s Mexicans.

Introducing “Tickle the […]

Parents: Think of Your Children Before you Masturbate

March 31, 2015 7

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation is the number one problem in the home. Parents that masturbate tend to have children that masturbate. Continuing the terrible cycle of self-rape, failed promises, missing family values, and disease.

Fathers, before you didle your sin stick, think about your children, think about your daughter. Would you want your daughter with her hands in her pants ringing her devils doorbell? Or what about your son? Would you want him sticking things in his anus to find out what the […]

Are Masturbators Mentally Handicapped?

March 30, 2015 30

(StopMasturbationNOW)—It’s the age old question… what came first the chicken or the egg? Well it kind of depends who you talk to, if you are a faithful follower of the teachings of Lonnie then you are well aware that the chicken was created intact and whole. However if you are a liberal who worships scLIEnce, then you believe that some goo morphed into a fish and then a chicken. Well the same question is often asked here, does masturbation make […]

DIVINE REVELATION: VACCINES CAUSE MASTURBATORY ILLNESSES

March 26, 2015 6

Most of you are familiar with the controversy surrounding the vaccines. If not, then you probably live under a rock in the desert. The vaccines are neither necessary nor safe, and men of God have warned against them ever since their inception.

The Diabeetus

As dangerous as they are, illnesses are God’s creations. We do our best to live in wholesome and healthy environments as the Bible commands. If we get sick, there are medical treatments and if we die, we die a […]

Breaking News: Masturbation Causes NYC Building Collapse

March 26, 2015 10

(StopMasturbationNOW)— A residential apartment building collapsed and was engulfed in flames today in New York City’s East Village neighborhood. There was no immediate information on possible injuries, said a spokesman for the New York Police Department.

Live footage on local television showed a residential apartment building engulfed in flames and heavy smoke. Early investigations have revealed that the building showed significant foundation erosion from semen and structural weakening from masturbation induced vibrations.

Local television also reported a large explosion at the scene and […]

Is Disaster more Terrible when Attractive Caucasians are Involved?

March 25, 2015 8

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Yesterday an airplane tragically crashed in France . The news has been very sad. However photos of the victims seems to focus on the more attractive normal skinned passengers that perished in the tragedy.

This raises the question, does society value some people more than others. It seems there is tragedy every day, whether it be a civil war in Uganda or a earthquake in Pakistan, however a kidnapped Blonde Blue Eyed 13 year old girl in Utah and we are talking […]

Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Ty Cobb

March 25, 2015 3

<STOP MASTURBATION NOW!> Born December 18, 1886 in Rural Georgia only one generation after the war between the states, Tyrus Raymond “Ty” Cobb became one of baseball’s greatest players and a pioneer in the struggle against masturbation.

Cobb is credited with setting over 90 baseball records with a hard nosed playing style. Single-handedly compelled to rid baseball of masturbation, he became affectionately known by his nickname, the “Georgia Peach.”

Ty’s father was fatally shot by his mother. Court records indicate that Mr. […]

Lonnie Childs Saves Wrestlemania, Convinces Brock Lesnar To Sign With WWE

March 24, 2015 4

World Wrestling Entertainment fans can breathe a big sigh of relief as Lonnie Childs has convinced current champion, Brock Lesnar, to renew his contract with the company. Lesnar’s status with the “sports entertainment” group had been uncertain and Lesnar had hinted at a return to mixed martial arts fighting. Things had gotten tense as the WWE’s largest event of the year, Wrestlemania, is this Sunday and Lesnar was still not signed to a new contract. Many speculated that Lesnar would lose […]

Did Masturbation Cause France Plane Crash?

March 24, 2015 7

“Semen can cause failure”

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Self rape is a number one killer, however some times masturbators put others in harm. Recently airlines started offering in-flight pornography videos encouraging mile high masturbation.  Today an Airbus A320 crashed over France, one of the leading countries for masturbation per-capita. Coincidence? Maybe, but the facts are there for all to see.
Bodily fluid emissions, otherwise known as Semen, are known to get into electronics and mechanical devices and cause problems. Charlie Powell from the Wyoming Institute of Technology reports […]

Angelina Jolie Continues Anti-Masturbation Crusade; Has Ovaries Removed

March 24, 2015 7

Angelina Jolie is a rare breed of modern celebrity. Beginning with her double mastectomy in 2013, Jolie has been determined to make sure no filthy men and women will masturbate to her ever again. The mainstream press attempted to spin Jolie’s mastectomy surgery as a “preventative measure” to “lower her chances of developing breast cancer”, however many Hollywood insiders know that Jolie had grown progressively disgusted by the growing masturbation culture surrounding her image on the internet. While Jolie’s actions […]

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