Masturbation: Offensive Across All Seven Deadly Sins

April 28, 2015 22

Safford, AZ – For years, the Stop Masturbation Now! Ministries has warned of and demonstrated the evils of Masturbation. The absolute harm done when one inflicts self rape activity on his or her soul when finger dancing the skin flute or spelunking the sin cave is incontrovertible, but still, agents of Big Masturbation have implanted seeds of doubt within the minds of the gullible and non-normal populations of God’s earth.

A shocking study performed at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts […]

Mexico Punished By Huge Volcanic Eruption

April 27, 2015 11

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Praise Lonnie Childs! The Calbuco volcano in the Mexican state of Chile continued erupting for the second week causing over 6500 people to flee their mud huts. The ash and fire has reportedly shot as high as 40,000 feet. About 1,500 people in Ensenada, in the foothills of the volcano, were told to evacuate earlier this week, essentially turning it into a ghost town, The Associated Press reported. A new round of evacuations came Friday as ash and mud were […]

Profile of Masturbation Music: Tool

April 25, 2015 20

Flock, I would like to bring to your attention the latest danger facing our precious youth: the masturbation band known as Tool.  Last week, while hosting my sister’s family at the compound campus in Safford, I noticed that my nineteen year-old nephew Jimmy was ignoring the Chick Tracts that I had handed out to him and his sisters.

Chick Tracts are a wonderful comic book series!

Instead of losing himself in the fine, moral storytelling of Jack Chick as his siblings were, Jimmy […]

The Real Holocaust Happened in Your Pants Last Night

April 24, 2015 9

[Editor’s Note: This post was originally written on April 20th]

Today, as millions around the world celebrate the birth of Adolf Hitler, I am reminded of the genocide that is happening right under our noses. Literally.

Each day in America, there are an estimated 250 million acts of male masturbation, on the low end (Source: B.L.U.F.F FaithStatistics Department, 2015). Each ejaculation contains between 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm. This means between 10,000,000,000,000,000 and 300,000,000,000,000,000 sperm are murdered every day, if we’re keeping with the […]

Masturbation Residues Discovered on Royals Stadium Hot Dogs

April 22, 2015 4


KANSAS CITY MO – League officials and Representatives of the Jackson County Board of Health are investigating claims that high concentrations of masturbation particulates were found on hot dogs sold by the Kauffman Stadium concession.

Arrowmark Industries denies the charges that extensive amounts of semen microbes and dried vaginal particulates are present on hot dogs sold both at concession counters and by mobile vendors throughout the facility.

Kauffman Stadium, home to the Kansas City Royals Major League Baseball Team, hosted […]

Lonnie Childs Releases 10 Point Plan to Address Compound Overcrowding

April 21, 2015 3

(StopMasturbationNOW)—The following is a release from Dr Lonnie Childs to the SMN fellowship…


Greetings my friends. It is hard to believe we are already one third through 2015. These have been difficult yet promising times. The world has never seen so much evil and danger, yet those same evils and dangers have been sending people to us at an unprecedented rate. We are growing! Unfortunately we are also getting a little overcrowded. Our Safford Compound is a 110% capacity and our new […]

Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

April 20, 2015 11

Superbowl winning superstar quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, Tim Tebow has been convicted of first degree murder and sentence to life without parole.  Brother Lonnie has called for the public to withhold judgment until all the facts are known.  In his statement Brother Lonnie cautioned against judging God’s favorite white American quarterback and warned that Tebow’s anti-masturbation stance and moral upbringing have long made him a target of Big Masturbation.  The full statement can be found below.

“I have prayed long […]

Can Smoking Help Prevent Masturbation?

April 19, 2015 24

(Stop Masturbation Now)— Smoking has gotten an unfair bad reputation recently. The truth is that smoking can reduce masturbation desires up to 50%. When one smokes two things happen. One, the hands are busy and therefore do not wander to the sin regions of the body. Second, the after effects of smoking leaves the body in a state in which it is less interested in raping itself.


As you […]

Europe’s Newest Country: Taxes Optional, Masturbation Illegal

April 19, 2015 3

LIBERLAND, EUROPE – Europe’s newest country, the tiny nation of Liberland, was heralded into existence earlier this week. The new nation-state, situated on the banks of the Danube River on a strip of land between Croatia and Serbia, was created by Normal European citizens looking to escape the high tax and regulatory environment of continental Europe.

Although tiny, the sovereign nation of Liberland is larger than Monaco or Vatican City, which are also independent countries. According to the Constitution […]

Rap Music Producer Blockhead Refuses To Masturbate In Hotel Room

April 15, 2015 8

Brother Lonnie Childs has been working closely with a handful of small hotels across the United States on a mission to make hotel rooms less enticing to the common masturbator. Brother Lonnie started small with lower budget hotels, the likes of which tend to attract small business travelers and touring musicians. “We chose the types of hotels we did, as years of research has shown that traveling salesmen and musicians are the most likely to engage in self-rape in their […]

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