Lonnie Childs Succeeds In Getting Iggy Azalea Tour Canceled

May 30, 2015 5

Lonnie Childs has done it again! Word has come down from Iggy Azalea’s management that her ‘Great Escape’ tour has been officially canceled. The alleged rapper, Azalea, has long been considered a tool of the entertainment division of Big Masturbation. “Big Masturbation has used pop stars and singers as means to their filthy ends for years,” said Brother Parker Osgood of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts in Safford, Arizona. “Stars like Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, even going as far […]

How Masturbation has Ruined Nature

May 29, 2015 5

(StopMasturbationNOW)—We all know that masturbations destroys souls, your body, the family, children, and morals. But did you know masturbation effects the planet you stand on? From earthquakes to tsunamis, masturbation has wreaked havoc on the planet. Here is photo proof of what semen leaking into the soil has done when it impregnates local

Are All Internet Trolls Masturbators?

May 29, 2015 5


Workers at the B.L.U.F.F Campound and Uranium Mines in Safford, Arizona announced today that they have proven that all internet trolls are horrible, Godless, masturbating, heathens.

In an exhausting study of internets around the globe, a 16 year inquiry finally ended with the unfortunate suicide of Kalden Ross, lead internet troll investigator. Kalden, who was killed by impalement, left behind a very detailed audio record of analysis of his team’s findings during the last decade and a half:

” […]

Study: Self-Employed Are More Likely to Self-Rape

May 27, 2015 8

A recent study conducted by The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow has uncovered a new faith fact proving a link between self-employment and self-rape. The Foundation’s study concluded that the rate of self-rape among individuals who consider themselves “self-employed” was significantly higher than among individuals who work for someone else. “The self-employed are typically able to set their own hours,” explained Dr. Chester Grant of the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. “This allows those masturbators to set aside extra time […]

I’ve Masturbated and Can’t Get it Up

May 22, 2015 15

(StopMasturbationNOW)—I’m going to get right to this one. Masturbation is the number one cause of sexual dysfunction and impotence. When a male first has sex he is usually too ready, premature ejaculation can happen because he is excited and it is all so new. Over time this naturally corrects itself and eventually the man has the opposite problem where erections and ejaculations are harder to achieve. This is the natural state of biology some is physical and some is mental. 

Unfortunately […]

Was Josh Duggar Caught Masturbating by his Father Jim Bob?

May 22, 2015 7

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Scandal is in the headlines this week as news reports surfaced about the famous Duggar family from the smash TLC hit television show 19 Kids and Counting. Most of the news centered on accusations that Josh took part in molesting including “forced fondling” and “inappropriate touching”.

It seems that former Arkansas State Representative and head of the Duggar clan, Jim Bob, found his son Josh in a compromising situation. According to a police report Jim Bob brought his son into the […]

Help: I Masturbated at a College Slumber Party

May 21, 2015 15

Dear Lonnie:

I have a question/confession I would like to reveal. I’m not sure how best to start so here it goes; my friends and I were having the usual college girl sleepover. A couple drinks into the sleepover somehow my friends and I started comparing breast size. Now, I should have said in the beginning my family are very disciplined non-masturbators. It’s just not done in my house nor talked about. So this was all new to me. Anyways, the […]

Does Masturbation Hurt your Credit Score?

May 21, 2015 11

(StopMasturbationNOW)—A good credit score can be a major factor in your quality of life. Anything from home ownership to the quality of spouse you attract is directly tied to your FICO score.

Many things affect your credit score. How much you make, your gender, your payment history, your debt to income ratio, your race, how long you have been employed, and yes, whether or not you masturbate.

What does masturbation have to do with my credit score?

Well at first there may not […]

Is Your Teen Going to End up a Homosexual Masturbator on Prom Night?

May 20, 2015 7

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Prom night is as American as Apple Pie, the 4th of July or Baseball. It is a tradition, a right of youth and for many the night when they become an adult. People look forward their whole teen lives to prom night. The fancy clothes, a limousine, dinner, the dance, the after party and yes a little procreation at the end. However an increasing number of men have been being turned away by their dates at the end of the […]

Top Five Cultures To Go Extinct From Masturbation

May 20, 2015 10


Throughout the 8,400 years man and the entire world has existed, many nations rose from self-sin, and shamed creation, and rightfully so, became extinct.

Here is a list of the top five cultures of people to extinct from masturbation:


China, largest nation in the Ornament, is not entirely backwards these days, and even produces a decent scooter, and many affordable Android Based Lonniepop(tm) faith-based tablets. But that probably wouldn’t have happened if the horseophiles of Mongolia had succeeded in self-raping, […]

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