B.L.U.F.F. Safford Campus Announces Big Game Safari to Zimbabwe

July 31, 2015 4

Safford, Arizona – Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (B.L.U.F.F.) has announced a special safari and big game hunting excursion to the African Nation of Zimbabwe. Special Services Recreational Director and long-time B.L.U.F.F. elder Thomas Downey announced the trip during a closed question-and-answer session between the B.L.U.F.F. Eldership and SMN Pledges in high standing at the Safford, AZ Campus.

A contingent of B.L.U.F.F. Superior Gendered Normals will depart on a chartered flight from Phoenix International Airport on Monday, September 7 and arrive […]

Bananas: Satan’s Fruit

July 30, 2015 19


Throughout nature, we at B.L.U.F.F and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow have found a plethora of disgusting natural objects that codify self-rape, but perhaps none is so blatantly obviously created to be a foul dingus as that demonic penis-resembling fruit: the banana.


Here we see Mexicans harvesting bananas, which will fund ISIS, surely

The agenda of this yellow phallus shaped succulent fruit is unclear. Try as though we might, we have yet to be able to get the bananas […]

Masturbation Warning: Dear Abby

July 29, 2015 19

Jeanne Phillips, who writes the “Dear Abby” column, has come out as a self-rapist and proponent of the Satanic lifestyle as pushed on society by agents of Big Masturbation.

In her latest column, Ms. Phillips comforted a despondent, guilt riddled masturbator, Her advice included the statement, “…masturbation is normal. It is not depraved, a crime, or harmful to your health.” Just look at the filthy advice she gives this poor lost soul in the illustration below. (I won’t even go into […]

BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Gets Masturbator Hulk Hogan Banished From WWE

July 24, 2015 6

STAMFORD, CT (SMN) — Word has spread quickly tonight that World Wrestling Entertainment has purged former “Superstar”, Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea from their entire website and have also removed him as a judge on their weekly reality show ‘Tough Enough’. That has been much speculation on what would cause the WWE to completely distance themselves from one of their previously most beloved employees. Some felt that perhaps Hogan had said derogatory things about non-normals, but B.L.U.F.F. media insider Brother Adolph […]

Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Diogo Dias Cortérro

July 20, 2015 1

Diogo Dias Cortérro


A Spirited man of a rock-solid Christian foundation, Diogo Dias Cortérro was much more than an explorer during the Age of European Expansion. Cortérro was born in Vigo, Spain to a devout couple within the moral confines of wedlock (1460). His early years were spent in work and study, always with his hands far away from his pubic serpent and always with one slightly wind-dampened eye looking West toward the vast sea dreaming of one day sailing […]

Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross: Safely Train Your Children To Keep Their Hands Off Their Dangerous Sin-Zones

July 17, 2015 781

Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating? Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan?

Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®! Designed by STOP Masturbation NOW engineers, this wondrous restraining device allows you to go about your day without the nagging suspicion that your offspring are treating their bodies like some kind of perverted amusement park.

Now discounted at $199.99, this miracle of modern Christian […]

Have You Been Touched By The Hand of God?

July 15, 2015 16


We here at Stop Masturbation Now Ministries often hear the dribble from masturbators that “Too much build-up of sperm in your system is un-healthy.” While that is partially true, it is not entirely true.

Have you ever wondered why nobody dies from too much build-up? After all, people die if they have too many marijuannas in their system. Why don’t they die if they have too much sperm in their system? The answer is simple. If you have too much seminal […]

Chevy Chase Arrested for Aggravated Felching

July 14, 2015 5

BEDFORD NY-Veteran actor/comedian Chevy Chase, 71, has been arrested and charged with aggravated felching by Bedford Police after allegedly getting down on his knees and forcing an oral purge of his juices from an unidentified fornication partner.

According to a statement released by the Westchester County sheriff’s office, Chase, whose real name is Cornelius Crane Chase, confronted his partner after sexual relations and demanded to felch against his partner’s wishes. The incident occurred on a poolside lounge chair just outside Chase’s […]

A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

July 13, 2015 21


Ever since the Oriental race was first domesticated by man, the female of the species has proven herself an excellent companion to her male better, attending to his needs for a negligible fee and enduring psychological and bodily torments Western women have long since spurned, though it is their biblical duty to patiently abide them. While harmless in captivity, female Orientals can be extremely dangerous if encountered in the wild. As the once-steady trickle of Oriental immigrants has exploded into a raging torrent […]

Sign our Petition to Deport Ariana Grande

July 13, 2015 10

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Americas motto has been to give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Nowhere did we ever ask masturbators to come here. Actually its exactly the opposite. Last week Mexican mariachi star Ariana Grande launched her own terror attack at America when she went into a tantrum at a donut store where she yelled “I hate Americans. I hate America.”

The incident, which was captured on video also captured her licking the donuts and putting them […]

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