SMN Self-Rape Alert: ‘Black Mass’

September 29, 2015 3

SMN Safford, AZ-A new waste of film depicting violence and masturbation mob activity has been released by Hollywood. “Black Mass,” starring Johnny Deep is the latest screed garnering a code red rating for excessive self-rape imagery and immoral content by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the self-celibacy-in-media arm of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.).

Confounding the moralists at BLUFF, Hollywood continues to pump out masturbation epics that spill down upon our society in the […]


September 22, 2015 13

Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences become apparent. Witness this lost soul, who we will call “Thomas Y.”, who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all times. If you encounter anyone who displays these symptoms DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HAND. If you must, offer a polite, sin-free fist bump and quickly excuse yourself and alert your […]

KLHB: A Reading From the Good Book of Issaiac.

September 21, 2015 1

It is Lonnie, who sittith with Jesus at the right hand of Almighty God, that holds the key of Heaven’s Gate.

Admonish ye, all doers of evil, those that shalt spew and saturate the ground with their vile seed.

For theirs is the error through earthly pleasure through wines and drink and drugs, which turn them away from the Word of God.

And they touch their sex for pleasure, those that shalt dwell in the eternal inferno.

All tables of self rapists are full […]

Facebook to Finally Allow you to Dislike Masturbators

September 15, 2015 12

(StopMasturbationNOW)—It has been long proven that masturbation is a top ten cause of disease and the leading cause of eroding family values. But masturbation material is constantly prevalent on Facebook. People post “selvies” in which they take pictures of themselves in ordure to encourage other people to masturbate to their image


Many of these selvie pictures involve mirrors, dinguses, cats, underwear, and milk sacks. As disgusting and immoral as they are they are somehow allowed because it’s the internets. But today […]

Help: My College Roommate Masturbates While Looking at Me

September 15, 2015 14

Dear Lonnie,
I recently started my first year of college and am sharing a dorm room. Its the first time I have ever shared a room with someone long term. It has only been about four weeks now but every night she masturbates, sometimes 2-3 times a night. It started the third night after we moved in, I heard some noises and some rustling and then some heavy breathing. I didn’t turn to look but eventually I heard some moaning and […]

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

September 14, 2015 0

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how terrible conditions are on Earth right now.

“Pope Francis just finally had enough,” explains Brother Dylan Stout of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “We got a direct call into the […]

Pictures of People Watching a 19 Year old Girl Masturbate

September 14, 2015 7

(StopMasturbationNOW)—There is nothing in the universe more disgusting or selfish than female masturbation. To prove this point we got a $50,000 grant from the Federal Government and The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow.

Nothing is more true than someone’s natural instinct and immediate reaction. So we exposed 100 people to a 1 minute clip of an attractive 19 year old female masturbating the results were intense. In the end we had 6 people forced to seek medical assistance and one person […]

Burn “The Man” Now…Burn IN HELL Later!

September 14, 2015 22

Friends, I want to warn you about a nefarious group of liberal anarchists who make annual pilgrimages to the Black Rock desert in Mexico to partake in the so-called “Burning Man” festival.

The Burning Man Project started in the early 1980’s after a group of San Franciscan hippers high on the dangerous street drug “ellis dee” decided to rebel against Godly morals by traveling to and masturbating in all 50 United States.  Typical of stupid and lazy drugged-out atheists, they failed to […]

Lonnie Childs to Forgive Muslims for 9/11

September 12, 2015 0

(StopMasturbationNow)—In his annual 9/11 remembrance speech; SMN Industries founder and leader Lonnie Childs announced the need for forgiveness and reconciliation with the religion responsible for the terrible acts on 9/11.

Our Faith is based on the tenants of acceptance and forgiveness, we must reach out to these wild peoples and offer to forgive them.

Lonnie will forgive any Muslims who:

                Are ready to ask for forgiveness.
                Sign a statement saying they renounce their faith.
                Acknowledge the wisdom and teachings of Lonnie
                Pay […]

Is Blades and Fades a Safe Place to get a Haircut?

September 12, 2015 0

(StopMasturbationNow)—A good clean haircut is a staple of male family values. However People working on building our North Idaho Compound and Traveling through the State of Washington were warned by local faithful to avoid a certain barber shop.


The place in question is Blades and Fades. A local haircutting establishment that recently gained famed on a website called Craig’s Lists. The issue was a comment on the Craig’s Lists about some silly sign, the owners apparently and stupidly called out individuals […]

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