Archive for 2016

Donald Trump Fulfills First Prophecy, Disposes of Mexican Dictator Fidel Castro

Donald Trump Fulfills First Prophecy, Disposes of Mexican Dictator Fidel Castro

Havana, Mexico — Praise!  In the first of what is sure to be thousands of prophecies fulfilled, Dear Leader Donald Trump has administered swift and fatal justice to Mexican tyrant, Fidel Castro, who was killed today by special forces on the orders of the President-elect, ending decades of masturbation-related terrorism […]

by November 26, 2016 12 comments Trump
Family Unknowingly Sleeps in Hotel with Remnants of Self-Rape in Drawer

Family Unknowingly Sleeps in Hotel with Remnants of Self-Rape in Drawer

TEXARKANA – Bad room service was the least of the worries a family of four were forced to deal with after a semen stained rag was found stuffed into a Gideon’s Bible in the drawer of their room. The Texarkana Times reports the parents had noticed a foul smell in […]

by November 23, 2016 3 comments Family Values
B.L.U.F.F. Male Masturbation Detection

B.L.U.F.F. Male Masturbation Detection

SMN -My dear friends in Christ through the Lonaldian Way. As you are well aware, the fight against the sin of self rape is an ongoing process, one that is never finished. The holy bible, being the most important reference on the topic of morality, contains certain instructions and responsibilities […]

by November 21, 2016 14 comments B.L.U.F.F.
Bill Cosby Credited with Striking-Down California’s Statute of Limitations on Self-Rape

Bill Cosby Credited with Striking-Down California’s Statute of Limitations on Self-Rape

Sometimes we have heroes among us and sometimes they are in Hollywood.  Earlier this week, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a monumental bill into law, for which many people credit Bill Cosby for making an idea, a reality. In July of 2015, SMN reported the case of a woman who accused […]

by October 1, 2016 7 comments Celebrity
Sign Our Petition to Get American Actor Hugh Jackman to Change His Offensive Name

Sign Our Petition to Get American Actor Hugh Jackman to Change His Offensive Name

(StopMasturbationNOW)—This is a reminder that we need more signatures to force American actor Hugh Jackman to change his offensive name. As of noon 6/12/2015 we have had 753,252 signatures which is over 75% of the needed one million required to force a name change. Our children are bombarded with anti […]

by September 14, 2016 62 comments Celebrity
Saints Cut Seed Spiller C.J. Spiller

Saints Cut Seed Spiller C.J. Spiller

NEW ORLEANS, LA — “No hard feelings” is how C.J. Spiller sums up his time with the New Orleans Saints. In an concerted effort to both improve their moral image and save money at the same time, the team has cut ties with the running back on Monday. C.J. (which […]

by September 14, 2016 1 comment Sports
Harambe is Slang for Male Masturbation

Harambe is Slang for Male Masturbation

Dear Lonnie, My 13 Year-old son wants to buy a Harambe t shirt. I asked him what it meant and he had trouble explaining it to me. It sounds kind of ethnic? Can you provide any guidance? Patricia Hunt   Pat, Thank you for writing. You are right to worry. […]

by September 12, 2016 17 comments Ask Lonnie
BREAKING: Obama Just Released 61 Masturbators BACK ON THE STREETS!

BREAKING: Obama Just Released 61 Masturbators BACK ON THE STREETS!

President Barack Obama has always has been soft on hardened  self-rape crime. His opposition to self-celibacy and his attitude toward the shameful hands-to-genitalia crime have made America less safe. Today, we see just how immoral and dangerous Obama is during his final year in the White House. He just abused […]

by September 6, 2016 12 comments Moral Outrage
How Female Masturbation Affects the Female Body

How Female Masturbation Affects the Female Body

A woman’s health is a priority to roughly half of the human population. It’s where babies are made and it’s also where they come from. For a man, making sure his same-race wife’s vagina is in proper working order is no different than taking care of his tools. For the […]

by September 2, 2016 21 comments Female Masturbation
R.I.P. Gene Wilder

R.I.P. Gene Wilder

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by August 31, 2016 8 comments Celebrity
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