Insanity, Incest, and Inebriation: Is it Time to Ban Australia Day?

January 26, 2016 12

(StopMasturbationNOW)—When you say Australia, most of the world thinks about prison colonies, Crocodile Dundee, Olympic cheaters, terrible music, and kangaroos. But the reality is much much darker than that.

A Typical Drunk Aussie

Australia was founded as the prison for the western world, sexual deviants, masturbators, homosexuals, rapists, and murders were put here as the land resembled a hell worse than death itself. Unfortunately they bred and as the world got smaller Australians became a part of the rest of the world.


Today […]

Archeologists find Ancient Anti-Masturbation Glove

January 25, 2016 6

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Archeologists from the Wyoming institute of Technology discovered evidence of an ancient society that was obviously ant-masturbation. Digging in the foothills of the Crimea, a team of 12 men found a metal glove designed to prevent masturbation.

Female Anti-Masturbation Archeologist

“I think they have found evidence of what may be the first anti masturbation society” Said Lonnie Childs “Think of what paradise the world would have been if the world would have followed their teaching”

“The glove is a left one” said […]

Masturbation Rates Up In Areas Hit By Blizzard: What Can You Do To Stay Safe

January 23, 2016 19

(StopMasturbationNOW)— The great Blizzard of 2016 is rolling up the east coast and with it people are staying home to avoid the snow and bad roads. Unfortunately a consequence of this is people have much more free time and isolation which is a recipe for masturbation disaster.

In Baltimore alone masturbation rates are up almost 335%, in Philadelphia 280%, Long Island over 200%.

“The combination of the blizzard conditions combined with a weekend where people don’t have to work makes for […]

Stop Masturbation Satellite Hacked: Now Distributing Gay Porn

January 20, 2016 8

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Last week was a feel good moment for us here at StopMasturbationNOW. We had just launched our first satellite the Childs1 into space. Unfortunately, less than one week into service hackers have taken over the satellite and are now using it to distribute interracial gay porn.

The satellite… childs1 was sent up into space to broadcast our anti masturbation message to the masses as well as do experiments, unfortunately the pro masturbation hacker known as Obamalover69 has commandeered the satellite and […]

Australian Man Marries Hand in Secret Ceremony

January 20, 2016 3

One’s own hand may, sadly to some, become known as a lonely man’s only friend, but one Australian has taken his self love to an entirely new level by marrying his cherished appendage.

According to the Down Under Times, Joe Grosser wed his hand, which he named, “Honey,” under a withered tree in the Queensland town of Wombatia. The groom donned a formal suit while the “bride” wore a decorative glove with an attached flowing veil-like string.

Grosser’s friends and family attended […]

Is an Absent Father to Blame for Masturbation?

January 15, 2016 10

How would you feel without the love of your father?

The rise of feminism in the US has encouraged many women to become single-parents. In these families, the only contribution the father makes is in the form of child-support payments.  While only 20% of the child-support payment goes towards the child itself, the mother hits a “Pay Day” with the remaining 80%. Thus, the rise of boutique coffee shops in the U.S. and online shoe stores.

But what about the child? Does […]

Stop Masturbation Now Announces Launch of First Anti Masturbation Satellite

January 14, 2016 8

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Stop Masturbation NOW, a division of SMN Heavy Industries and Chemical, today proudly launched their first satellite into orbit. Named Childs1, the geostationary satellite is capable of broadcasting anti masturbation related materials as well as do experiments.

“Childs1 hopes to be the first of many devices planned for this decade and the next” Said Lonnie Childs, Leader and Founder of Stop Masturbation NOW. “We are reaching an era where Masturbation has had increasing effects on infrastructure and the planet. From […]

David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

January 11, 2016 51


Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old.

Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when he fell to Earth and immediately began befouling himself. His terrible masturbation fueled howls were soon recorded by some awful person, and through obvious Satanism, were placed “on the air”, which then […]

Is Masturbation Destroying The Climate?

January 6, 2016 36


A chilling result of a study, released by Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts, and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, entitled: “Masturbation Residue And It’s Effects On The Global Climate “ outlines the direct impact of the masturbator and it’s filth, on the peaceful, God-fearing innocent peoples of the world, and all of God’s creation.

MRFP at 100X magnifications

The Masturbation Residue Film Particle, or MRFP, is the pollutant that clogs both air and water, and has been proven to […]

Self-Purity: The Newest Teenage Fad?

January 6, 2016 10

It seems like every generation is more confused than the generation before it. In the 50’s it was “cool” to wear poodle skirts and comb your hair. In the 60’s, it was “hip” to dress like a homeless person and avoid soapy water while the sexual revolution introduced masturbation into the known world. The 70’s had everyone dancing to Freddie Mercury, lead singer of the Village People, while having sex in the YMCA. The 80’s gave us the first unscrambled […]

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