Self-Celibacy in History: Dunkirk

March 6, 2017 14

History books are most certainly slanted by the forces of Big Masturbation. In modern times, it’s a literal crime that our precious youth must be forced to incorporate horrible inaccuracies and filth interjected from the […]

Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

February 5, 2017 8

President Trump confirms he is about to authorize a “ban” on masturbators migration, new restrictions on entry from countries with a history of masturbation. “It’s countries that have tremendous self-rape,” Trump told SMN News in […]

One Woman’s Trash, Area Man’s Treasure

January 25, 2017 5

Joe Harris, like many other residents of Safford, has been struggling for years to keep his business afloat during the Obama administration. What he needed, he always felt, was a mascot for his restaurant to […]