About

Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It also leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease.

– Lonnie Childs

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230 Comments on About

  1. Matt Perkins Matt perkins // May 15, 2014 at 1:20 am // Reply

    Praying at you!

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    • For the people who think this site contains even the slightest bit of truth read this http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-info/sexuality/masturbation

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      • Patriarch Jasper Centaur jasper Centaur // July 21, 2014 at 11:18 pm // Reply

        you also might want to read this article if you want some drug dealing border jumper in you life..once again praise on high! http://www.ccainstitute.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=25&Itemid=43

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      • Planned Parenthood is not a good source of information. Their founder Margaret Sanger created the organization in order to promote abortion specifically of black people which she believed to be an inferior sub human race. See blackgenocide.org for more info or simply Google "racist margaret sanger" or "planned parenthood racist" and you'll find out very quickly how little their information is of consequence.

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        • Please don't just parrot the propaganda you're being fed on the hate websites.

          Whatever you think about Sanger's dumb eugenics ideas, Planned Parenthood was founded to bring contraception to women, and to prevent women DYING in childbirth or from abortions. Her mother died aged 49 after 18 pregnancies and 11 births. Planned Parenthood is a reputable clinic and one of the biggest providers of women's healthcare in this country. How sad that the Republicans who want to defund contraception and the anti-abortion extremists have managed to distort the truth about this organization. My only beef with it is that unless you are indigent, it costs way too much to get a health check there.

          From wikipedia: "Sanger's writings echoed ideas about inferiority and loose morals of particular races that were widespread in the contemporary United States. In one "What Every Girl Should Know" commentary, she observed that Aboriginal Australians were "just a step higher than the chimpanzee" with "little sexual control," as compared to the "normal man and Woman."[91] Elsewhere she bemoaned that traditional sexual ethics "... have in the past revealed their woeful inability to prevent the sexual and racial chaos into which the world has today drifted." Such attitudes did not keep her from collaborating with African-American leaders and professionals who saw a need for birth control in their communities. In 1929, James H. Hubert, a black social worker and leader of New York's Urban League, asked Sanger to open a clinic in Harlem.[93] Sanger secured funding from the Julius Rosenwald Fund and opened the clinic, staffed with black doctors, in 1930. The clinic was directed by a 15-member advisory board consisting of black doctors, nurses, clergy, journalists, and social workers. The clinic was publicized in the African-American press and in black churches, and it received the approval of W. E. B. Du Bois, founder of the NAACP.[94] She did not tolerate bigotry among her staff, nor would she tolerate any refusal to work within interracial projects. Sanger's work with minorities earned praise from Martin Luther King, Jr., in his 1966 acceptance speech for the Margaret Sanger award.

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    • The Good Atheist // July 22, 2014 at 6:08 am // Reply

      Okay well hello people of the internet. I did some digging and I found out this site is directly liked to the WBC or Westboro Baptist Church, you probably know these guys from the news. They went around calling everybody, who isn't in the "view" of perfect, faggots. Examples include homosexuals, our soldiers at war, Jews and pretty much the whole world. Telling us that good HATES fags.

      Okay well I don't not believe in God, I'm a atheist to be honest and even if there was a God and the God that is descried in the Bible is far from the God these guys preach. they have been twisted and brain washed in to this ideas and concepts about GOD.

      If you would like to find out more about this amazing religion go here
      URL:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westboro_Baptist_Church
      URL:http://www.godhatesfags.com/

      The Good Atheist

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      • I just assumed it was a satire site... ;)

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      • AllHail theFSM // July 29, 2014 at 8:00 pm // Reply

        You obviously didn't read the "contact us" page. This is a parody site to openly mock all religions.

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      • The Good Atheist..... i swear, for all their wisecracks about religion and claims of being intellectually better than everyone around them, atheists cant spot satire if its twerking naked in the face.

        fucking ridiculous, dude.

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        • I was assuming it was satire, however all the sincere right-wing posts were kinda throwing me. I'm Australian; it would seriously not have surprised me if this had ben a serious site ..

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        • Jim,

          The Good Atheist is 100% on target. This site and a whole bunch of others (The National Report, Superofficialnews.com, etc) I've found after digging into a story for my blog about Facebook charging users is run by the Westboro Baptist Church.

          Yes, it is satirical in nature. However, that doesn't mean that anything they run can't be used to forward their propaganda.

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    • This nightly finger sniff thing sounds like molestation. No parent male or female should be separating their daughters labia placing their fingers hands or any other body parts near a child's genitals. You all should be ashamed
      Of yourselves and I pray someone shuts this site down immediately. I am disgusted and sickened by what I read, you all are giving child molesters an excuse to touch their child. Someone is going to do this and swear they were doing a check to ensure their child was not "self rapping" themselves as an excuse to violate a child. You all are sick.

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    • Jon Howell // July 28, 2014 at 11:29 pm // Reply

      I'm not sure what religion this site is claiming.. But that aside for now, medically speaking, masturbation for males is 100% normal, okay and necessary. Sperm is not immortal, it has to be cycled out when the sperm is old to allow for fresh sperm to be created. Of course this doesn't have to be accomplished via masturbation; sex (including any sexual activity) or spontaneous ejaculation (wet dream) will do this as well. Masturbation is the best of the ways to maintain healthy sperm and a healthy prostate.

      For females, masturbation is just as normal but without the physical necessity. Arousal is natural, and preparing ones mind and body for sex is completely fine and natural. Also as a medical professional I feel it's very important for each person to be in touch with their body. I have spoken with women that don't know where their vagina is. I see that's as being uneducated on the matter and no picture can replace seeing for yourself. Also, when my wife and I first got married it, her never exploring herself caused a lot of sexual issues for us as well as sexual immaturity.

      I'm male and grew up Christian, so I've heard a lot about this. The bible says NOTHING about masturbation being wrong. What IS wrong would be lust, so masturbation while thinking of a specific person or using pornography would be a "sin." The issue isn't masturbation, it's viewing someone is a way that is polluting ones mind. This idea of masturbation being wrong is horrible. I really hope no parent says that to their child.. It's terrible to tell their child that something natural is wrong. It's like saying their acne is bad and makes them a bad person.

      Also, masturbation DOES NOT lead to rape. Bad parenting and poor morales leads to any and all crimes. It's the same thing as guns don't kill people.. People do.

      This web page needs to be redirected to be against pornography. That's the real issue, it gives an unrealistic expectation of sex for young males and puts an expectation on girls to be pretty and sexy at all times. Also, pornography really can be a gateway for some. Starts with clothed women, to nude pictures, to videos, to wanting more and more (again for some).

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      • Jon Howell you hit the nail on the head. And futhermore heres is my comment.
        is this fricken serious No Fricken Way who hell do these people think they are its is a natural process for all children otherwise they dont know or learn their own body. Where in the bible is this wrong?????? For Children
        Just now · Like

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    • https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fiw5IEDkA6Y
      (Adult content: dolphin masturbating with a dead fish)

      This video is proof that masturbation is 100% natural. Unless you believe that dolphins are demonic creatures.. This website is completely retarded and give religion a bad name (not that religion hasn't done that for itself.)

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  2. daniel davis // June 26, 2014 at 8:27 pm // Reply

    You people are either fucktards or trolls...I got a good laugh from this article, so I hope you're trolls.

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    • I'm with you man. This really looks to stupid to be real. The only thing I'm praying for is for this to be a joke.

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      • anti-masturbation cross is a thing that exists // July 21, 2014 at 2:08 am // Reply

        I was sitting there enjoying myself as I noticed a sudden urge, my hand lifted itself up and without my full consent began raping me, I was caught entirely off guard as I violated my own body, tears streaming down my face, paralyzed with fear only watching as my dominating hand asserted its undeserved power over me

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    • Probably a satire ^-^ so it's post to be funny.

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    • LIFE IS FOR LIVING // July 26, 2014 at 6:06 am // Reply

      It's brilliant though….I can't stop laughing!! If it is real, then I'm genuinely concerned for the non masturbators out there!!!!

      Luckily I'm a straight, married, white male, who runs his own bushiness, pays taxes & obeys the law.

      However, my wife is a porn star (no joke), we have awesome kinky parties, we do drugs & listen to dance music! Our lives are awesome!!! HA

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  3. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha what the fuck

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  4. You have got to be kidding me! Please someone tell me this is a damn joke..This has to be fake! I masturbatory on the daily and love it! I have good values..I respect myself...no one around me suffers from it..I'm always in a better mood when I'm done...so please tell me how making yourself feel good is a bad thing? U people are gonna make some twisted ass serial killers outta some people. ..masturbating is a natural thing...ya'll are fucking seriously off!

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    • jpseudonym // July 11, 2014 at 7:15 pm // Reply

      Of course it's a joke you dumbass!

      But just to play the devil's advocate here:

      "so please tell me how making yourself feel good is a bad thing?"

      Oh, I don't know...maybe heroin, meth, crack, (insert any highly addictive, highly toxic drug with seriously damaging physical, mental, social, etc. side effects). I hear they make you feel pretty good.

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  5. to all the denizens of le reddit, WHITE POWER. THE JEWS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. HITLER WAS RIGHT

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    • Guess you are screwed since the Jews pretty much run the USA, so better get your money outta dem banks cause yer gonna lose it when that rich jew finds out ya gots moneh

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    • You're an idiot.... As someone who has thoroughly studied world war 2 and the holocaust specifically the top nazi cabinet... You clearly missed the actual reason behind Hitlers detest for Jews. Stay in school.

      Btw being prejudice is like being anti human... As a human. So fucking pointless.

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      • Patriarch Jasper Centaur jasper Centaur // July 21, 2014 at 11:21 pm // Reply

        this is apples and watermelons, like all nickel back fans you miss the point….please take your non-normal self elsewhere…

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    • Your and idiot Nihger H8r. Go shoot your self

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  6. Jack whackoffski // June 26, 2014 at 11:59 pm // Reply

    I have a fetish for ignorance I'm hitting it so hard right now!!!

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  7. Billy stroker // June 27, 2014 at 12:18 am // Reply

    This is satyr right?

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  8. Billy Stroker // June 27, 2014 at 12:19 am // Reply

    *satire

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  9. I'm masturbating while reading this hahahaha. SMOKE METH HAIL SATAN YOLOLOLOLOL

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  10. "is a top ten cause of disease"? What science journal did you get that from? "Just Making Shit Up Weekly", or maybe "I Don't Know, Could Be Right, Just Didn't Bother Finding Evidence For It Monthly"

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    • Well Holland (i think, was a long time ago i read it) scientists did find out after a 10 year study that when a man stares at breasts at least 15 minutes a day they are 50% less likely to develop prostate cancer then ones that don't, but if you cant masturbate cause it will send you to hell i guess then you cant stare at boobies for 15 minutes a day if you don't have a woman in your life, I guess you can find a statue of the Virgin Mary and just imagine it, that might work right?

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  11. mother nature // June 27, 2014 at 1:16 am // Reply

    Didnt you know? God masturbated and finished with a big bang creating all of mankind... but seriously something must of really disturbed you as a child. I pray for religion to be interpreted correctly and for it to not be misused to preach peoples own insanity to others. Amen

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  12. gay as it gets // June 27, 2014 at 2:04 am // Reply

    Yes because using your hand on yourself leads to someone forcibly sticking their dick in you... Logic...

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  13. Carpet Bombed with potential children ayy lmao // June 27, 2014 at 2:52 am // Reply

    Ive shot on the carpet, call help

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  14. Reading this shit website made my day, funniest thing I've read in weeks.

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  15. I fapped last night lmao // June 27, 2014 at 1:29 pm // Reply

    yall are seriously nuts. masturbation is natural.
    jesus probably masturbated all da time so shut up and get ya hands off ya hips and put em on ya dick

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  16. I'm a retarded Christian // June 27, 2014 at 4:54 pm // Reply

    I literally became more stupid reading this articls -_- I honestly hope that this is a joke. I saw a picture for a restraining devise to stop children from masturbating, it said for ages 5+ what kid starts at that age like wtf, so that leads me to believe that this is fake because you cannot be that stupid -_- seriously Christian fucks you're the ones ruining this world.

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  17. Pray here. jajjajajajajajja oh my god this website has to be fake.
    Even christians are not this stupid

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  18. I just have something to say to this: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhh!!! putooooo!!!! this is just hilarious.

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  19. Ah Bless all of you my children, you must stop insulting this marvelous site. You must all stop self rape please please.

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  20. This is the funniest thing I've seen all week, thank you! Please get the site stable so we can enjoy it with less delay! You and The Onion.

    My question is, how long can you sustain this interest just on the subject of masturbation? I mean surely at some point you have to take a load off???

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    • Masturbatimus Prime // July 3, 2014 at 2:36 pm // Reply

      "take a load off" hehehe

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    • Nikita Shalavin Nikita Shalavin // July 3, 2014 at 10:42 pm // Reply

      Michelle thank you for your interest in our holy netsite, however misguided it may be. Apparently masturbation is an infliction that millions of suffering people can relate to. Pretty much anything can be directly linked to masturbation, which allows for a generous variety of topics.

      You'll be glad to learn that we also cure Homogayness, teach women obedience, employ foster children, help foreigners understand the errors of their ways, spread the holy message of one true prophet Lonnie Childs, and even offer complementary skin bleaching treatments to all non-normals such as yourself.

      Praise.

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      • You people are completely insane. Nobody has the right to interfere in other's life. Have you ever heard of human rights you sick idiots? Hopefully Mother Earth will get rid of you soon as possible. One true prophet? Teaching women obedience? Skin bleeching? You are having a huge mental disorder, and normal people should not listen to these idiotic things you sick people say.

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      • I not sure which is dummer you or your stop masturbation maybe both. And goes for Lonnie Childs. Remember the bible says any one who says they are the true prophet they are lying. Or did you miss that chapter in the bible.

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    • r. a. ghayb // July 29, 2014 at 10:06 pm // Reply

      Don't take this worshipful website likely. Masturbation is an evil abomination which will tempt us until the Second Coming of Lord Jesus. Let us all watch Lord Jezus come again!

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  21. Didn't God masturbate and give his jizz to Gabriel to magically fill Mary with it or somethin'? Anyway, God is the real pervert, he's the one watching us all self-rape. He sees us take dumps too as far as I know, kinky fucker! God sees EVERYTHING! God and grandma in heaven, that's why I play with myself under the covers.

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  22. elfabulosoyo // June 28, 2014 at 8:42 am // Reply

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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  23. Actually, rape is caused by uncontrolled sexual urges. If a man masturbates, that's preventing him from raping someone. Masturbation also saves people from catching diseases because instead of having intercourse with a disease ridden prostitute, they are masturbating alone and saving money. I don't think many people actually tell their families "Hey, I'm going to go masturbate now." So I don't understand the whole "family values" part but I think it's stupid. The person running this site needs some common sense. -.-

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  24. Seriously... What the fuck is wrong with this site?

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    • Nikita Shalavin Nikita Shalavin // July 3, 2014 at 12:48 am // Reply

      There's a bunch of masturbators currently trolling it. Hopefully we can get rid of these rejects for good, once masturbation is made illegal.

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      • Ian Bertolini // July 3, 2014 at 8:40 am // Reply

        Actually it's you ignorant fuckheads who are doing the trolling, preaching to all these people saying they're gonna go to hell for a completely natural behavior. Don't ever have kids, I hate to think of your kind reproducing. And making masturbation illegal? Yeah good luck with that XD

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        • Nikita Shalavin Nikita Shalavin // July 3, 2014 at 10:44 pm // Reply

          We don't need luck. We have Lonnie Childs on our side. What do you have? Bad AIDS. Checkmate masturbator.

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          • Ian Bertolini // July 3, 2014 at 11:32 pm //

            Good God. I'm speechless right now. I've seen a lot of idiots in my day, but I never thought someone could be this stupid. My IQ drops reading your comments. If I had an ignorance fetish, this would be a frickin porn site. You think this dumb bitch Lonnie can do anything? Whatever you say, bro. Have fun appealing to congress, who I'm pretty sure all masturbate to Obama's wife every night -_-

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          • PleaseUseLogic // July 12, 2014 at 9:08 am //

            Oh man, we're afraid. The 'sinful masturbators' like me are absolutely trembling in fear at your unsourced articles and inconsistent facts that are exactly opposite of medical science.

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          • Katie Barnard // July 18, 2014 at 5:05 pm //

            Can someone please explain to me what bad AIDS is? Isn't all AIDS bad? Do nonmasturbaters have good AIDS? Humankind is royally fucked if everybody has AIDS, even if it's not "bad AIDS"

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          • malsemestilulo // July 25, 2014 at 12:44 am //

            > What do you have? Bad AIDS. Checkmate masturbator.

            Masturbation gives AIDS? I'm devastated. Stupid school never told me that part. I'm going for a checkup now.

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      • Long- Haired friend of Jeeezus H. Christ // July 30, 2014 at 6:14 pm // Reply

        I hope they all get those filthy brown hands nailed to a cross in HELL!

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  25. And here is why religion is not taken seriously. I masturbate three to two times a day, my family is not degrading, i am at the peak of health, my immunity system is overpowered, and there is no such fucking thing as self rape.

    Religion
    (Noun)

    1 A movement run mostly by idiots believing in a magic man in the sky

    2 A movement designed to retrogress humanity and go back into the dark ages

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  26. John Wayne // June 28, 2014 at 5:22 pm // Reply

    Y'all just jealous I've got all the good porn!

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  27. I'm still trying to figure out if this is real or just a hilarious joke made up by someone with too much time on their hands....so to speak

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  28. this has got to be a joke hahahahahahahahahahahaha this is legitimately the most ridiculous/hilarious thing ive ever seen

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  29. Ronald Dykeman // June 28, 2014 at 6:53 pm // Reply

    You people are sick motherfuckers you know that!?!?!? Get a fucking life will you!!!! I think some of you probably need to spank your monkeys, at least once in a while, might relieve some of your tensions. More to the point, I think most of the staff of stopmasturbationnow.org need to come out of the closet, and just admit it, you are gay!!! BTW, any parent that would tie their kids up with those whatchamacallums you sell here need to go to jail, and you people with them. I would instruct you to suck my dick, but a) I never let a man do that with me and b) even if I did, I think you would like it too much. Go spank your monkey, you fucking monkey spank!!!

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  30. Reason number 12738292 to hate humanity. Masturbation is not a friggin gateway drug of any kind. People self pleasure, it happens. It doesn't mean they're bad, going to hell, or anything. All it means is that they are sexually aroused and getting relief through themselves. What would you rather have? Your son masturbating or going out and getting a girl pregnant? What do you hate most? Being a grandparent before your child is out of high school or knowing that he masturbates everyday?

    Quite honestly, I'd rather know my son is masturbating and staying out of trouble. More to that, I'd rather have my daughter masturbating instead of going out and getting pregnant. I do not get why you have to see masturbation as evil or 'the devils work.' You should be more focused on other things.

    You know, like priests molesting young boys at church. People embezzling church funds for themselves. Or just helping others out. All this energy put into this website would be so much better spent helping people rather than trying to condemn something that is harmless. And don't act like you have never masturbated before. I've masturbated, you've masturbated, we've all masturbated. It's healthy to do, even.

    Basically, stop being so ignorant and focus your energy to something actually worth your while.

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  31. HeWantsTheD! // June 28, 2014 at 8:42 pm // Reply

    This is the most ignorantly Christian thing ive seen since the Westborough bullshit. Youre why we haven't progressed into the future, because youre too caught up in fighting primitive urges. Plus, why the hell would you tie a 5 year old to a makeshift cross to keep from touching himself. I dont know about you but guys balls get fucking itchy. Also its a threat to child safety! What if a tornado, flood, fire, heads toward your house. The kid wont be able to evacuate. Also, you might be inadvertently getting your kid raped. If you think about it, a restrained person is easy to kidnap because of little to no retaliation.

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  32. ilikebigdickandicannotlie // June 28, 2014 at 10:45 pm // Reply

    i like to masturbate in my asshole.

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  33. Jolly Cooperation! // June 28, 2014 at 11:30 pm // Reply

    PRAISE THE SUN

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  34. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) // June 28, 2014 at 11:34 pm // Reply

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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  35. Renè Tafoya // June 29, 2014 at 12:14 am // Reply

    I think this is funny. Masturbation is normal. I'm a witch so since you'd rather kill me then hear me, blessed be.

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  36. This has to be a joke, right? If not, I hope you guys have done some expectation management before you started your crusade against your 'sinful enemies'. My well-meant advice to you would be to find another planet, beam yourselves up there, and leave us Earthlings masturbate like there's no tomorrow! Seeing what kind of lunatics nature is able to produce just made my day. Thanks for that, and may common sense eventually find its way to you!

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  37. ... What the fuck?

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  38. Dear lonnie, how the fuck can you live without fapping like, every day?

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  39. Ok I'm sorry to say but nowhere in the bible dose it say masterbstion is wrong it is natural and you people need help I have read a few different versions of the bible and it's not in there at all you all need to look at how you act towards others like your somehow better than everyone who dose not share your views Jesus taught exceptiance and tolerance and love towards all no matter who they are or what they do LOVE NOT JUDGEMENT or do you forget JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED!!!! think about it don't just wright this off actually think

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  40. Jesus of Nazzereth // June 29, 2014 at 10:48 pm // Reply

    Its hilarious to see all these retards talk about masturbation like it is possible to just stop forever. I hope that once your lying ass starts jacking your tiny creationist penis you get smited. Too bad there is no god to smite your dumb ass.

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  41. The wienerartist // June 30, 2014 at 12:14 am // Reply

    Its time everyone to get their hands off their wieners and start appreciating some quality dick cartoons. Art available for the casual wiener enthusiast on instagram @ wienerart #wienerart

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  42. The wienerartist // June 30, 2014 at 12:16 am // Reply

    Lonnie Baseball loves wienerart

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  43. john smith // June 30, 2014 at 12:07 pm // Reply

    Masturbation is a top ten cause of disease, huh? What sort of pseudoscience source did you get that fact from, a Cracker-Jack box?...

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  44. Lol they are not joking they are just Christian and lack common sense

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  45. I'm masturbating to this website right now. Huehuehue.

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  46. This has to be a joke.

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  47. Takis Magaf. // June 30, 2014 at 11:41 pm // Reply

    definitely you have a 0.8cm "pipi"

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  48. I believe in God... I believe in Prayer.. I do not believe God would want anyone to restrain their child for touching themselves. Masturbation is normal and natural.. it is the responsiblity of the parent to teach their child that there is a time and place for such behavior and it is in private. It is their body.. so it is NOT rape. You can NOT rape yourself! Who ever came up with that term was likely just trying to coin a phrase. Please use your head and think logically... read the bible. I'm pretty certain of all the sins you could commit, God would probably frown more upon you restraining a child than him being curious and exploring his own body!

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  49. Saint Jerk & Our Lady of Soledad, pray for me hand!

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  50. ohhh my ohh my who ever made these site must realy not know god loves you no matter what you do or say jeuse loves you no matter who you are what you are you are welcomed with love your made out of love and embracing love is embracing god so in the act of giving yourself the highest love your not harming yourself by loving yourself god wunts you to love you in all ways possible iss you hold you make love to you theres nouthing wrong with it at all its no sin its not going to kill you hell your be happier less stress more calm relaxed

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  51. Please tell me this site is a parody or something. There is no way this can be real.

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  52. I like your website, but I am finding it really hard to masturbate to.

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  53. You religious fanatics are fucking sick! Self-rape? Rape is only when you don't like it and it is being forced upon you fucking idiots! Masturbation is a choice, and if I have to live by the Christian code of conduct, I'll burn in hell any day. I'd like to have a little fun while I'm here. 'Cause if you guys are wrong, (and you are) then you'd have fasted your entire lives living by a set of bullshit rules effectively wasting your time on earth.

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  54. Perverted narcissistic seedspilling wankers who commits the sinful monosexual act of Satan, or couples engaging in lustful non-procreative seedspilling sex, shall not judge those born homosexuals nor transsexual nor intersex. God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and his hand, or Adam and a condom and Eve.

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    • June I hope this website is a joke cause you're a complete idiot :) You need to put on something a little sexy, something that shows your ankles. Maybe some lip gloss. Find a dark alley and some perverted narcissistic seed spilling wanker junkie who will be willing to commit SINFUL acts of Satan upon your Lust filled body them blow his massive wad in your face. Loosen up, Bitch. Life is short. Sex is fun, try it once. Maybe you won't be so hateful and judgemental of other people's lives. And for God's sake, rub one out... """FLICK THAT BEAN!!! """ ♡♡♡♡

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  55. Do you have even any proof of your claim? I mean just because a lot of marriages end in divorce and also a lot of people masturbate doesn't mean that there's any corralation. I think your believes have nothing in common what the bible is all about.....sorry!

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  56. You people are sick and twisted and in need of serious mental help.

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  57. Doogooder // July 2, 2014 at 7:24 am // Reply

    You people are frustrating my important quest 'Rukken tegen Racisme' (Dutch for 'Jerk off against racism').

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  58. There's a writer on here names TheRev Leroy Jenkins. Leroy Jenkins. C'mon guys. You see it now? It's all trolling and it's hilarious!

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  59. besides of what "leeroy jenkins" means in MMO games, there exists a rev. named "leroy jenkins". in the end it could be fake as well. in other terms such religious shit is fake always, prob. not ment as trolling or satirical, but i can't take them serious anyway. further hmm... trolling? how was this "witch" named in 19th century who gathered interested girls around her only to show them finally that there exists no such thing like witchcraft? could be a motivation for such to, but i doubt that they are clever enough. "leeroy's jerking" ;)

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  60. I'm bisexual and a proud masturbator I love boys and I have a penis that gets bloody after I viciously masturbate, I'll see all you in hell

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  61. Furiousbeater // July 2, 2014 at 9:06 am // Reply

    I don't always beat it but when I do it's to this website

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  62. Johnathon Edward Huey // July 2, 2014 at 11:23 am // Reply

    Lonnie Childs, you are a FUCKTARD not everyone that masturbates is going to become a rapist. I bet you stroke you millimeter peter all night long.

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  63. Johnathon Edward Huey // July 2, 2014 at 11:27 am // Reply

    and by the way, top ten cause of disease? i do remember see that article in the "You're so Full of Shit Weekly" and on the front page of "Mythology Tales"..........fucktard

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  64. Prove it. Even some animals self pleasure, for fucks sake! Please tell me this site isn't for real.

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  65. You are an idiot. That is all.

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  66. My penis and I think this is funny. I have to give my pudding a hand!!!

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  67. Amen! My little brother got skin cancer only by holding his shaft while peeing. Being in contact with your own genitals is really dangerous, and has to be taken seriously.

    Surprisingly, I am immune to any danger of masturbating since an early age. I discovered it when I was copulating with my neighbor's chicken. My neighbor caught me, and told me that my penis would grow like a watermelon and then explode. My wizard's stick got bigger through the years indeed, but hasn't explode yet.

    Now I am fulfilling my destiny by travelling across the country and educating young children. Some people even believe that touching my twig and the berries at the same time can be very beneficial, since I am immune to any sexual sins.

    Visit my website: www.touchmymagicwankerandgetlucky.com for more information

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  68. this is child abuse plain and simple, if spanking a child for bad behavior is child abuse then tying one down is too, I am a Catholic Christian and never in all my days have I ever considered tying a child down for any reason let alone masturbation, and what parent who loves their child would do such a thing? you people belong with the Westborough Baptist church because this is the kind of filth they spew, thank God the one I believe in is not the same as the god you claim is yours, I try not to judge as it isn't my place but I have faith even God is seeing this and thinking maybe he should burn you people in hell, rape is being forced against your will, masturbation is not rape in any definition of the word, I pray for you people because you are really sick, felix 11 your post caught my eye the worst, you are immune to anything sexual my ass, the truth is probably much worse and you and all of the sick people on here need the real Jesus but most of all you should all be banned from having contact with any child, in fact you should be locked away because you probably all assault men women and children sexually, may God have mercy on you though personally I hope He does not give you mercy.

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  69. The statement is true. Masturbation is one of the top ten cause of disease. For example I got tennis elbow from spanking my monkey all day long. I thank the lord for giving me to arms.
    Amen

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  70. dubistcool // July 3, 2014 at 2:41 am // Reply

    I have soo much hate in my heart right now!

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  71. Please tell me this is a parody. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. If this is how you sick freaks think then it’s time the civilized people of this world eradicate Christianity altogether. I used to be for freedom of religion but you freaks get more dangerous every day.

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  72. Ian Bertolini // July 3, 2014 at 8:58 am // Reply

    This site is absolutely preposterous. Y'all motherfuckers need Jesus!

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  73. Psychologically scar your children now!

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  74. Masturbating is my life // July 3, 2014 at 11:30 am // Reply

    Holy fucking shit, this page is the most stupidest piece of crap I've ever seen! Why on earth should you stop masturbating?! Like seriously, it's not a bad thing! I hope everyone who likes this shitty page goes to hell. And I don't even believe in god because it doesn't exist! Have a nice day, I'm gonna spend the rest of the day by wanking. I'll let you know how it was.

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  75. Kennith Chun // July 3, 2014 at 1:46 pm // Reply

    Dear Lonnie Childs, I am a non-normal race male living in Canada, if i lead a pious life in service to God, will I be resurrected as a normal during the end times?

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  76. Masturbatimus Prime // July 3, 2014 at 2:31 pm // Reply

    I masturbated once and now I am addicted to meth, my family hates me, it led to self-rape and I am typing this from hell

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    • Masturbatimus Prime // July 3, 2014 at 2:34 pm // Reply

      Lol, I also noticed when you comment something it instantly gets 47 'dislikes' to give the illusion someone actually takes this website serious lol that's sad

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  77. I was a masturbator. but I stopped and I feel great now. I've been jerk-free for... like 5 minutes

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  78. Site mod's just mad that he can't get a rub for his birthday :3

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  79. yournamehere // July 4, 2014 at 1:23 am // Reply

    pornhub brought me here all i can so is GGWP

    logic of this site is unbearable

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  80. ignorance is bliss, right? go do something serious and realistic ....
    "The internets. The internets are full of filth." just asking what the F are you doing here ...? take this insanity you are spreading off the digital highway and crawl up in the cave where you belong!

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  81. lightoftruth // July 4, 2014 at 9:44 am // Reply

    Please provide evidence. An opinion based on false logic or information cannot prevail. There is no proof that masturbation causes any dysfunction, no evidence it leads to rape, no evidence it is a cause of disease, even in the bottom 10 causes of disease, and there is evidence that not allowing a teenage boy to masturbate can actually lead him to becoming a rapist or pedophile. Y'all have it backwards. Besides, masturbation is neither sin nor is it even frowned upon by God. He dont like it when you look at porn, but the masturbation part of it isnt sinful.

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  82. Brandon L // July 4, 2014 at 1:58 pm // Reply

    to Lonnie Child you are a false prophet and you are torturing kids! you will go to hell, if there is such a thing, for changing what the bible means.

    to Nikita Shalavin. you are a blind sheeple and a walking contradiction with you naked picture of yourself standing in the water. what a hypocritical gody poser!

    Proverbs. 18:13
    He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame unto him.

    Deuteronomy 4:2
    Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish [ought] from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.

    Deuteronomy 12:32
    What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.

    Revelation 22:19
    For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and [from] the things which are written in this book.

    the amount of people "praying against" is pretty consistent to those closed minded individuals out there so brainwashed and hypocritical they can't see the benefits of masturbation. god would never do anything for you if you prayed against someone! actually quite the opposite, he would ignore you just like he does for everybody cause there is no proof that god exists. so keep believing in your brainwash cause no where in the bible says it's a sin to masturbate. i'm an ex-pentecostal who read and memorized the bible but couldn't deal with all of your idiotic brainwash.

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  83. Brandon L // July 4, 2014 at 2:03 pm // Reply

    no one even read what i said, between the time i posted my last comment and this one a minute ago, and there is 41 people "praying against" me? now i know this blog is bullshit!

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  84. Brandon L // July 4, 2014 at 2:05 pm // Reply

    so yes i'm praying for you cause you are sick Lonnie Child

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  85. Penis is love, Penis is life. Now excuse me while i go burn some Niggerz.

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  86. Adolf Hitler // July 4, 2014 at 2:19 pm // Reply

    Long Live the 3rd Reich, we will live and rise and steal the souls of all that masturbate, for it is a true evil, LONG LIVE HITLER, HEIL!

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  87. >I was only 9 years old
    >I loved Shrek so much, I had all the merchandise and movies
    >I pray to Shrek every night before bed, thanking him for the life I've been given
    >"Shrek is love" I say; "Shrek is life"
    >My dad hears me and calls me a faggot
    >I know he was just jealous of my devotion for Shrek
    >I called him a cunt
    >He slaps me and sends me to go to sleep
    >I'm crying now, and my face hurts
    >I lay in bed and it's really cold
    >Suddenly, a warmth is moving towards me
    >It's Shrek
    >I am so happy
    He whispers into my ear "This is my swamp."
    >He grabs me with his powerful ogre hands and puts me down onto my hands and knees
    >I'm ready
    >I spread my ass-cheeks for Shrek
    >He penetrates my butt-hole
    >It hurts so much but I do it for Shrek
    >I can feel my butt tearing as my eyes start to water
    >I push against his force
    >I want to please Shrek
    >He roars in a mighty roar as he fills my butt with his love
    >My dad walks in
    >Shrek looks him straight in the eyes and says "It's all ogre now."
    >Shrek leaves through my window
    >Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

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  88. just fuk teh bich in teh penis den u aint burn in hell but if u touch ur pp den u go tew hell wut!! den dat means i aint cant no go numba 1

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  89. Nigga I will shank your ass, then imma finna rape dat shanked ass.

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  90. Pray for a second Holocaust!

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  91. #1 Nigger // July 4, 2014 at 2:25 pm // Reply

    NIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERSNIGGERS

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  92. 3hunna bang bang skirt nah bang 3hunna SKIRT naw bang skirt 3hunna naw bitch!

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  93. Heil Hitler, for he is the supreme leader of the world. He loves masturbation! HEIL HITLER 666 CTHULU 4 LYFE!

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  94. WHAT THE FUCK I LOVE MASTURBATION YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY PENIS NEEDS LOVE DUDE

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  95. Woodrow Wilson // July 5, 2014 at 10:28 pm // Reply

    Masturbating lowers your chance of prostate cancer, relieves stress, and helps build your immune system. I masturbate and I'm pretty sure that I'm healthy. It brings pleasure and excitement and rids of depression. Plus, "self rape" isn't even a correct term. The definition of rape is "any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person." You're not forcing yourself to masturbate, you do it when you want to. You guys are all insane.

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  96. suprise butsecks // July 6, 2014 at 2:28 pm // Reply

                /'゙´,_/'″  . `\
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     _, _/  /     .l  ゛ ._/ :l゙    .`゙"

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  97. Please forgive me, for I have sinned. Repeatedly. Because I'm female, and we can sin many more times in an hour than men can. Especially with awesome free porn streaming to our cell phones. OH WHY HAVE I GONE ASTRAY SO FAR???

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  98. God told us to love our bodies and make temples out of them for him....can't my temple love on it'self and have a good time? I mean really, there is no harm in masturbating, if anything it keeps you from sex xD

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  99. David Hairypalms // July 9, 2014 at 6:04 am // Reply

    I am Lonnie Childs

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  100. What utter idiots you people are! I for one am writing my Congressman and the White House to request that our federal dollars NEVER be used to support this sort of demented idiocy. Sick, sick people.

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  101. Carl Mertly // July 9, 2014 at 8:23 am // Reply

    ....................../´¯/)
    ....................,/¯../
    .................../..../
    ............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
    ........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
    ........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
    .........\.................'...../
    ..........''...\.......... _.·´
    ............\..............(
    ..............\.............\...

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  102. That one guy that does that one thing you don't like. // July 9, 2014 at 8:39 am // Reply

    Whenever I need a good laugh for now on I'll come here. The sheer amount of lies and slander is staggering. I want to break a record... I want the most amount of praying against.

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    • That one guy that does that one thing you don't like. // July 9, 2014 at 8:42 am // Reply

      Oh shit I figure it out guys. They have a program that automatically prays against anything said. I saw a lot of peoples commenta with 32 pray against. So funny guys *slow claps*

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  103. I'm beating my dick right now

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  104. Pray for / pray against ahahhahahhaaha this is fucking hilarious

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  105. sinner sinner // July 11, 2014 at 3:49 pm // Reply

    Really to funny I still remember the first time I came still going strong after all these years wow let loose have fun treat your stuff like its a ride at the carnival!

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  106. sinner sinner // July 11, 2014 at 4:02 pm // Reply

    So within seconds I got 32 prayers against , how many of you dirty minded self righteous hypocritical closeted freaks are on this web site I mean be honest you/touched your self, maybe you were touched, your all sinners no matter how much you pray you judge and condem who/do/you think god is more pissed off at me for being an honest human or you!
    You probably didn't get that right so keep/trying to figure your selves out and for GODS sake ....JERK/JILL OFF you'll feel better about your selves.

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  107. Salome Fernandez ( ex of Peter Dunkelswanz) Salome Fernandez ( ex of Peter Dunkelswanz) // July 11, 2014 at 5:53 pm // Reply

    Ms. Sinner Sinner, you've proven how Masturbation causes dimness of mind. Please stop.
    Praise

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    • MasterBaiter // July 11, 2014 at 5:55 pm // Reply

      Are you DTF? If not we could FaceTime and masturbate together

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  108. Would it be inappropriate if i posted a video of me wanking??

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  109. I sure hope it is a joke haha Masturbation is proven to actually be a healthy thing to the extent that it doesn't turn into an obsession. It greatly helps to relax and improves arm muscles

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  110. I find the lack of sense of humor in the commenters disturbing...

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  111. Flap on Flap Off // July 13, 2014 at 12:30 pm // Reply

    Is it considered masturbation when I'm finishing on a porn star's face? I mean I'm kinda helping the process along and all because its not going to aim itself and she's waiting anxiously like a baby bird with her mouth open and sometimes its hard to perform with the video crew all staring and the hot lights - lots of pressure - but that does mean that I have to touch it and I don't want to go to double hell. Please advise.

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  112. Jack Meoff // July 15, 2014 at 9:59 am // Reply

    fuck you, I'll jack on your mom's upscale Christian ass

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  113. Pongo the Gigantic is my savior // July 17, 2014 at 4:27 am // Reply

    The holy Writings of the Church of Ponginae

    We are very proud to announce the inception and establishment of the Holy Church of Ponginae. We have established this church in response to the overwhelming interest in theological belief in the United States of America.

    Our intent is to offer an alternative religion to the established dominance of current theologies. The Holy Church of Ponginae’s sole intent is to discredit and openly ridicule ALL existing theological beliefs and religious institutions…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Parishioners and practitioners of the Holy Church of Ponginae are strongly encouraged to actively deride and discredit any and all religious evangelistic efforts.

    The Holy Church of Ponginae was conceived of on April 1st, 2014 in a small house in the mountains, west of Conifer, Colorado. It began after an afternoon of heavy consumption of Alcoholic beverages, food and cannabis. An epiphany was realized by its founders while evaluating numerous documentaries and videos on religion, atheism and agnosticism. It was decided that evening, people needed an alternative to established religions, and a methodology and opportunity to openly parody and mock them.

    For the next two weeks, the council of Gigantopithicus convened daily to establish the foundation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, whilst imbibing mass quantities of alcohol, food and cannabis. Through the intoxicated debates of the council, many issues and disagreements were resolved, and a consensus was finally reached on its core beliefs, canonical texts, dogma and rituals.

    The following is an explanation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, and its respective rituals, beliefs, canonical texts, scriptures, dogmas, and deities.
    1
    The primary deity of the Holy Church of Ponginae is Pongo the Gigantic. Pongo the Gigantic is described as an immortal being, who has chosen the form of an eleven foot tall, male, completely hairless Sumatran Orangutan. He is an ethereal being by nature and possesses omnipotence and infinite supernatural powers, and has been in existence before the beginning of time, space and the universe.

    Pongo the Gigantic is the deity responsible for our known universe, having farted it into existence…otherwise known as the “Big Bang”. As referenced in one of the Canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae, Douglas Adams’s The Restaurant at the end of the universe.
    “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

    Pongo the Gigantic does inhabit the earth in physical form, and currently resides in a neon pink double-wide prefabricated home (commonly referred to as a “mobile home” or “trailer”), and moves around the United States of America at random intervals. He currently resides in a small trailer park on the outskirts of Yazoo City, Mississippi, however is planning to move “somewhere else in the near future”.

    Further descriptions of Pongo the Gigantic include his ability to exhale superheated plasma and fire at will, consumes a diet of various fruits (especially cherimoyas), aborted Water Buffalo fetuses, hallucinogenic funguses, cacti and toads, gastropods, and various cephalopods. He regularly defecates Hostess Brand Ding Dongs and urinates the Swiss alcoholic spirit Absinthe.
    As an immortal being endowed with omnipotence and infinite supernatural abilities, there are far too many descriptions to be mentioned here. Therefore anything that defies scientific explanation is automatically ascribed to Pongo the Gigantic.

    Pongo the Gigantic has provided humanity with a list of rules which must be indiscriminately and fanatically adhered to, and indiscriminately inflicted upon others by all of his subjects. They are all tattooed on Pongo the Gigantic’s immense scrotum and buttocks, they are as follows;

    Rule 1: I am the creator of all…I am your god…all gods are complete bullshit and false prophets!

    Rule 2: All must make crudely constructed images of me, worshipped upon and adorned with offerings of condiments, bizarre fruits, and anything else that is going bad in the refrigerator.

    Rule 3: Observe the holy Sabbath of Thursday afternoon, from 2:27 p.m. to 4:52 p.m. without fail, by continuing what you’re already doing at the time.

    Rule 4: Curse my name whenever possible, especially when agitated, injured, offended or it just seems like the right thing to say in the moment.

    Rule 5: Do not kill…unless you have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY good reason, and if you must kill…do so in my name and insist I spoke directly to you, and commanded you to do so.

    Rule 6: Engage in sexual intercourse with anyone or anything willing, as frequently as possible…if unable to do so, repeated daily masturbation is mandatory.

    Rule 7: Do not steal…except from the obscenely wealthy, any multi-national corporation, politicians, political groups, or other churches and religious institutions.

    Rule 8: Want everything…desire what you cannot have and obsess over it endlessly. Lust after people you cannot have and be envious of others that possess what you do not.

    Rule 9: Always be honest and faithful…unless it’s going to get you into trouble, then utilize falsehoods, denial and shamelessly blame others.

    Rule 10: All felines must be hairless…a shaven pussy is beautiful.

    Rule 11: Ridicule, parody, satirize and misrepresent any and all theologies, religions and creeds…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Utilize vicious and ruthless tactics whenever and wherever possible, and never apologize for doing so.

    Rule 12: Consume anything and everything you wish…gluttony is good. Sugar, caffeine, meat, cephalopods, gastropods, insects, crustaceans, alcohol, hallucinogens and other mind-altering substances are sacred foods and are to be eaten regularly…or whenever desired.

    Rule 13: Lethargy and indolence is encouraged whenever possible.

    Rule 14: Rage and be wrathful against all those you believe to deserve spite and revenge.

    Rule 15: Be arrogant and vain…narcissism and conceit is essential for unjustifiable self-worth…the universe revolves around you, and you alone.

    Rule 16: Donation of money to the Holy Church of Ponginae is not necessary or required, but encouraged…any money donated will be used for whatever is needed or wanted, and there shall be no accounting of church money whatsoever.

    Rule 17: Keep the kitchen and toilet as a holy place of worship, to perform acts of devotion, veneration, and religious study…for this is where all shit begins and ends.
    Time spent defecating is considered penance for transgressions against Pongo the Gigantic.

    Rule 18: Practitioners are required to evangelize the teachings of the Holy Church of Ponginae at every opportunity, by going to crowded public places and uttering obscenities at other religious evangelists or random individuals, do so as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, accompanied by inappropriate and offensive gestures.

    Rule 19: All rules of the Church of Ponginae are strictly voluntary and completely unenforceable…especially when inconvenient, inappropriate or burdensome.

    Failure to adhere to these rules will result in terrible punishment. Any who willfully break these rules will be force-fed hallucinogens, sent to the nearest economically depressed, violent crime riddled city or state, and flagellated with ridiculously named vegetation, by equally bizarrely titled, naked fictional entities coated in the condiment of choice. The punishment will continue for all of eternity…or until the condemned gets tired of it and is no longer amused…or falls asleep.

    The canonic documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae…

    The complete works of Douglas Adams

    The complete works of Hunter S. Thompson

    The complete works of John Steinbeck

    The complete works of Ayn Rand

    The complete works of William S. Burroughs

    The complete works of Samuel L. Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain)

    James Joyce -Finnegan’s Wake

    David Rees -How to Sharpen Pencils

    Luigi Serafini - Codex Seraphinianus

    May Cushman Rice - Electricity in Gynecology
    Gary Greenberg - The Pop-Up Book of Phobias

    Alison Jenkins - The Lost Art of Towel Origami

    Chad Orzel - How to Teach Physics to Your Dog

    Carlton Mellick III - The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

    Lawrence Wright - Clean and Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom and Water-Closet

    This is just a preliminary and incomplete list of the canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae. More texts will be added on future dates and as they are discovered.

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  114. robin stubbs // July 18, 2014 at 6:01 am // Reply

    Oh come on people. of course it's a spoof site! I can't believe anybody could possibly think otherwise. Please engage brain!

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  115. So what happens when you wake up with a hard on?

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  116. If thine hand offend thee cut it off. If thine eye, pluck it out. Praise Lonnie Childs and just say NO to self-rape. Masturbation is Murder!

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  117. im a wanker.....im a wanker...i wank, wank, wank, wank, wank aaaallll day loooong

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  118. the mighty mongoosetron // July 21, 2014 at 11:07 pm // Reply

    I used to rape myself at every opportunity. 20 times a day or more. Then I found me the jesus. Now, i'm married and don't have to anymore. The rufies and duct tape got to me after a while.

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  119. ''Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It also leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease.

    - Lonnie Childs''

    Just one question...who is Lonnie Childs? :)

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  120. Tamsin Ford // July 22, 2014 at 12:45 pm // Reply

    HELPPP!
    Hi i am a young (20 years of age) masturbator. After reading your website i wish to change my evil ways and stop self-raping myself
    Anyone with any practical help/support for me please call me on +447710148827
    Please no spam, only kind words of help and support

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  121. youmasturbate@fuckyou.com // July 22, 2014 at 1:38 pm // Reply

    'Mr. McKey is an expert on teenage masturbation addiction' - I guess it takes one to know one or probably a closet pedophile.. I will pray for you

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  122. u lot are fucked up nothing better thena good old wank

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  123. unless its sex before marriage then its better

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  124. how about we just get rid of religion, because its a gateway drug to crazy fucks who want to control people's lives for no real reason.

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  125. Jesus Christ // July 24, 2014 at 5:18 am // Reply

    I just want you and your organisation to know how much I love masturbating to your home page, and then spreading my semen all over the Bible. That colour scheme and layout UGH! It gets to me as much as my masturbation crucifix gets into my anus.

    Keep up the good work you legends of arousal!

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  126. Since i have started to masterbait i have i have released alot of stress my grades have greatly improved i am now a honor roll student, i feel much more in shape and my left arm is got some tone to it now. I am healthier then I have ever been before, more girls have premaridal sex with me now and I won the lottery I see no issues here this site is a lie! Masterbation is king!

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  127. You mean this isn't an eBaum, or eFuckt spin off. Can't be real.

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  128. SinfulDivinity // July 24, 2014 at 3:45 pm // Reply

    I hope those of you who have abstained from masturbation know this.... If you refrain from masturbation and constantly fight urges (as a male), you double or even triple your chance of prostate cancer, testicular cancer, or erectile dysfunction. Your body produces sperm before you even ejaculate, so you have some backed up. Now imagine you stop masturbation all together... Your testicles are meant to do a job and that job is to produce semen. If you refrain from masturbation, that semen is going to sit there and fester in your testicles, so by the time you want to make a baby, you're going to have a difficult time AND the swelling of your testicles will cause a lot of pain and pain and swelling over a long period of time is what causes health problems like cancer or erectile dysfunction. So don't feel bad about masturbating!! Everyone does it! It makes you feel good and God wants to see you happy and feeling good! Why would he want to see you in agony?! Did you know that humans aren't the only animal that masturbates? Why would God make other animals that masturbate if he thought it was wrong? By the way, the people who made this site are just mad because they suffer from erectile dysfunction from years of abstaining from masturbation and they're taking it out on you poor souls... Don't follow wolves in sheeps clothing. These people are the devil in disguise...

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  129. I honestly can't figure out if this is serious or an elaborate joke. I hope and pray for the latter.

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  130. Priests rape little boys cuz they're not allowed to masturbate.

    Masturbate for world peace!

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  131. sex sexx

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  132. Mynor es gay

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  133. Im praying for aosdijasd , stop hurting your hands with faps

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  134. tengo serios problemas cuando me jalo el pato suena como un chancho cuando le están volando el pellejo que puedo hacer.... like por la masturbación

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  135. Eso debe ser por que tu ganzo es vocalista de música gore, esto es normal tan solo intenta actos de sado que deben ser las cualidades del mismo

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  136. ( ' )
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  137. hombres pene mujeres vagina o chocha...

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  138. ________´$$$$`_____________________________,,,_
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    _______________`$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

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  139. everyone Ɛ=============================D

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  140. _____Sexy?Sex
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    ________SexY

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  141. ...........///_\\\\
    ..........||.^|^\\\
    ..........))\_-_/ ((\
    ..........)'_/.".\_`\)
    ......././._.\.../...\
    .....././(_.\x/._).|
    .......\.\.)".|."(/./
    ........\.'...'.. //./
    ......../....`..././
    .......|....__.\.\ B====o
    .......|.../.\...\/
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    ......./__\..........|__\
    ......_/.|............|.\_

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  142. Nonna U. Erfuckingbusiness // July 25, 2014 at 10:20 pm // Reply

    I thought STOPMASTURBATIONNOW.ORG was a legit website, but now I'm sure it's not.

    "There is nothing more disgusting than the thought of a teenage girl touching herself."

    Nobody actually believes that.

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  143. If any of you would bother to read the articles and headlines you would see this site is clearly a joke. Fred FARTINGton? Happy Mann? Please read this shit before you get all worked up, for it or against it! Jeezus.

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    • Oh, and I missed this one. Jack Doff. Who is named Jack Doff? No one, except on sites like this, clearly aimed at people who don't read and get worked up over satire!

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  144. this HAS to be satire.

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  145. I don't know if I should be disgusted or should I pity you.
    I mean on one hand I am disgusted by you people,on the other I suppose you suffer from some sort of handicap,there's no way normal persons can get this stupid.

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    • Patriarch Jasper Centaur Jasper Centaur // July 29, 2014 at 1:33 pm // Reply

      Mrs. Vlad,

      If you keep using your hands to make a point, you might get the wrist cancer from the strain of your invalid argument. Us normal people make these United States the best country in the world, we are just trying to spread the seed thoughts of Lonnie Child. He IS a state champion wrestler.

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  146. the relaxer // July 27, 2014 at 7:23 pm // Reply

    This site IS a hoax. It's been listed as such in numerous places online. Do a little Googling and you'll see. So don't get all bent out of shape and have a little laugh at the humor. And remember to wash up afterwards, especially before shaking hands with someone.

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  147. JizzLover69 // July 28, 2014 at 11:46 am // Reply

    Mhhhhhhh, I love to masturbate daily. I like it most on public places and on the school bus! Jihaaaaaa! Pray for me dumb Motherfuckers!

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  148. Come on, it's a gag, lighten up.

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  149. is this a joke site, please tell me it is !!!!
    LOL

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  150. I am truly sorry on behalf of anyone who has ever been offended by the Westboro Baptist Church who obviously runs this site. The fall of man truly created evil in this world and it is clearly evident with them.

    I just hope even though they judge and spew hate that the average person can still see that Jesus is perfect. He wiped our slate clean and has filled in the space where we fall short by sin. We have been forgiven through his blood.

    It's hard to admit that this church is still forgiven for the sin that they continue to live every day. But then again none of us are perfect. My only hope is that people can see that there are still people out there that are believers and that its real and true and not psychotic. I'm a 23 year old female and was saved just recently. I live peacefully knowing that Jesus saved me from my sin.

    I am so sorry that society is coming to this. If people in this world spent half the effort they use towards judging others to instead spread the loving word of God, there would be a lot less hate.

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  151. Wait...this site is a joke, right? There can't be people this dumb out there...Please...Don't tell me...

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  152. Great site I just masturbate twice whilst reading it keep up the good work

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  153. I'm a Christian. A good one. I go to church regularly, help out the less fortunante when I can and do unto others as i would expect done unto me. This website is shameful and honestly a bunch of lies. Shame to the people who are spreading this filth and ignorance. And God help the children of the crazy fake-Christians who think this is okay. You know whats disgusting? The way you scum of the earth people have a false sense of entitlement to slander anyone and everyone the way you see fit. Youre disgusting. Youre a joke. The only thing I will protect and keep my children from are he psychos like you. EDUCATE YOUR IGNORANT SELVES AND STOP POLUTING OUR WORLD WITH YOUR DRINK THE KOOLAID GARBAGE.

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  154. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=av7xLRgylas
    Take a look at the lyrics... now I'm gladly gonna masturbate to the thought that you actually watch & listen to this :)

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  155. This site is an absolute RIOT!
    It;s clearly here to gain email subscribers (to sell and spam easily) by using hot keywords and ridiculous stories that will rank high, or go viral on facebook.. LMAO!!!

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  156. The worst part about all of this is that although a parody it's all too realistic and plausible with some of these zealots. I can understand why it invoked such harsh reactions from people who have been through torture at the hands of christians. It certainly made my skin crawl and bring up some very hostile thoughts about ex gay "therapy"---Child abuse many have been subjected to.

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  157. http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-info/sexuality/masturbation
    Get ahold of yourselves!

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  158. I love masturbating!

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  159. This is the most fucked up thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

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  160. Who ever made this shit ass site this is for u.........BITCH YOU STUPID

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  161. I can't tell if this site is satire or severely misguided...it's walking that fine line...

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  162. Is this site real??

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    • Milton Grits Milton Grits // August 28, 2014 at 2:18 pm // Reply

      If it weren't real, it wouldn't be standing before you now. Praise God.

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  163. Milton Grits my erection is real and it really needs to be relieved. Can you please help me? I don't want to have to rape myself but every time I see your sexy picture I get a raging erection! Will you please either stop being so damn sexy or please jack me off at a medium pace and prevent me from raping myself while I look at your sexy photo. And please let truffle know that I'd love to see her tits and while you're at it please let Lonnie Childs and Cathy Redmond know that I've been self raping while daydreaming about them too. Thank you Milton I hope to see you soon!

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  164. Oh and one more thing please let Jaspet Centaur know that I've been daydreaming about him too. Thanks Milton. Do you know if Jasper has a horse sized penis? Oh my, Milton please come help me stop raping myself or send truffle over so I can take a ride on that town bicycle of a pussy of hers. Whoops too late I was rubbing the old sin stick a little bit harder than I thought!

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  165. Oops I meant to say Jasper Centaur. I guess the thought of him having a horse sized penis really got to me!

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  166. Is your penis horse sized jasper centaur?

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  167. You're a fuckwit // September 16, 2014 at 7:10 am // Reply

    Let me summarise what most people are thinking:
    Please die and go to hell where you and your religious fuckery can burn in fire. I hope you fall into a giant blender.

    Had to get that one off my chest.

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  168. Ayy lmao

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  169. what de hell is dis boo boooo

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  170. Is this a joke website? there is no REAL scientific evidence to suggest masturbation in fact it has been proven that masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer

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  171. Is this a joke website? there is no REAL scientific evidence to suggest masturbation causes disease n fact it has been proven that masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer

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    • augustweisz augustweisz // October 8, 2014 at 2:16 pm // Reply

      Study links masturbation to prostate cancer:
      http://www.mensfitness.com/training/give-thing-rest
      According to a new research out of the UK, men who have frequent sex in their twenties and thirties were at a greater risk of developing prostate cancer later in life. What's even more unusual is that researchers showed that young men who masturbated frequently, as opposed to those who have sex frequently with a partner, were at an even greater risk of developing prostate cancer. -

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  172. Yankya Plonka // October 20, 2014 at 6:01 pm // Reply

    All cardiovascular activity can "potentially" lead to strokes. The most dangerous thing is to decrease your rate of wankativity (daily frequency) because this results in micro clots forming in your wrists and elbows that will travel to your heart / brain resulting in fatal consequences. Basically... Once you are on the Chugga-chugs-Choo-Choo train, you must stay in it. Or die. Your choice.

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