15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God

The traumatized foul in question.

A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, causing severe damage to his right arm and pubis. He was quickly hospitalized, and the ducks were apprehended, but later released when God told the Sheriff it was his will for them to take aggressive action against the perpetrator.

           “I’m very happy that this happened. First comes the masturbates, next comes injecting marijuana, and before you know it, my son would have overdosed on bath salts.” said Mary Hoth, mother of the 15 year old suspect. “we’re lucky this happened sooner than later, I’m going to purchase a chastity belt and an anti-masturbation cross right away.” reported James Jones, the father of the boy. Police have handcuffed the boy to the hospital bed, and are awaiting his returned sanity to question him before putting him in a juvenile detention facility by request of his parents.

          The son is in critical condition suffering from permanent erection, resistant of antibiotics. A common condition for self-beaters, although there is no evidence this has a connection to the attack but was directly caused by the masturbates. “All of this because I cheated on my Husband 9 months before my child was born” stated Mary.

           The child is expected to recover within the next 30 days from the emotional scarring caused by the pornographics. He will be detained for a period of 1-3 years for his crimes against God, spending a monitored three to four hours daily detached from the anti masturbation cross. “Glad we caught another one, one less masturbator and future crack addict off the streets” quoted from Sheriff Ben Stover. “The city is safer today.”

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16 Comments on 15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God

  1. Fluffle let those without sin cast the first stone is what your bible teaches. And those are some pretty harsh words from the town's bicycle!

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    • We follow the teachings of The King Lonald Holy Bible, Jimmy. It clearly states we can judge, so we will.

      Amen!

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  2. People don't "inject marajuana" you would have to mentally retarded in order to do that or make a bull shit article like this one!

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  3. Korean jesus they're just a front for the klu klux klan there's really no point in appealing to their reason because they have none.

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  4. I know their fucking crazy that's why I've made it my goal to district their cult and you're welcome to join me Jimmy. I am surprised they haven't put rat poison in their Koolaid but I hope they do soon after I fuck Cathy Redmond in her tight little ass!!!

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  5. KOREAN Jesus you fat, racist, wanna be profit your cult which you call a "movement" will fail like the Nazi movement so you might as will get the cyanide pills ready. The truth is that religion is no longer needed in the world and neither are you! I am a thinking American student who unlike you can help our country so get the fuck out of my way!

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  6. @ Lonnie YOU ARE A CULT. I put it in caps so you would see it and let it soak in 🙂 passive aggressive smiley face ties it all together. this is abuse to that poor child

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