15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God

A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, causing severe damage to his right arm and pubis. He was quickly hospitalized, and the ducks were apprehended, but later released when God told the Sheriff it was his will for them to take aggressive action against the perpetrator.

           “I’m very happy that this happened. First comes the masturbates, next comes injecting marijuana, and before you know it, my son would have overdosed on bath salts.” said Mary Hoth, mother of the 15 year old suspect. “we’re lucky this happened sooner than later, I’m going to purchase a chastity belt and an anti-masturbation cross right away.” reported James Jones, the father of the boy. Police have handcuffed the boy to the hospital bed, and are awaiting his returned sanity to question him before putting him in a juvenile detention facility by request of his parents.

          The son is in critical condition suffering from permanent erection, resistant of antibiotics. A common condition for self-beaters, although there is no evidence this has a connection to the attack but was directly caused by the masturbates. “All of this because I cheated on my Husband 9 months before my child was born” stated Mary.

           The child is expected to recover within the next 30 days from the emotional scarring caused by the pornographics. He will be detained for a period of 1-3 years for his crimes against God, spending a monitored three to four hours daily detached from the anti masturbation cross. “Glad we caught another one, one less masturbator and future crack addict off the streets” quoted from Sheriff Ben Stover. “The city is safer today.”