BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Solves Mystery Of Bigfoot

Lonnie Childs encountering "The Sasquatch".

Another one of life’s great mysteries has been solved thanks to the tireless efforts of Lonnie Childs. Brother Lonnie was out walking the Earth as He does from time to time and found Himself in Western Oregon in the woods. The particular area Brother Lonnie was traveling through is renowned for ‘Bigfoot’ sightings, but Brother Lonnie, spiritual man that He is does not believe in such hokum and made a campfire for the evening. Brother Lonnie began by praying over the sirloin steak, potatoes and can of Dinty Moore beef stew that He had cooked up. Before long, Brother Lonnie noticed a large shape in the nearby bushes. Unfazed, Brother Lonnie then slowly broke out the marshmallows from His pack and began to roast them over the open flame, all while chanting His favorite passages from the King Lonald Holy Bible.

Photograph taken of disgusting 'Bigfoot' creature a few minutes before it admitted to masturbating.
Photograph taken of disgusting ‘Bigfoot’ creature a few minutes before it admitted to masturbating.

The shape emerged from the bushes and approached Brother Lonnie’s campfire. He was then face to face with the creature many refer to as ‘Bigfoot’ or ‘The Sasquatch’. It was then that Brother Lonnie knew what He had to do. He offered to let this monster share His marshmallows. The beast actually thanked Brother Lonnie. “It speaks American, interesting” thought Brother Lonnie. Brother Lonnie then snapped a photograph of the horrible monster, shown here on His netsite for the first time.

Brother Lonnie then asked the standard questions that He asks those He encounters on His travels. “How many times have you masturbated?” asked Lonnie, already knowing the answer would be unacceptable. “So many times,” said the monster. “Being homeless and all and having to live out here in the woods it’s one of life’s simplest pleasures.” Brother Lonnie didn’t even get to the next question.

In one fluid motion, Lonnie pulled out His flare gun and put a flare right between the filthy masturbator’s eyes, killing the monster immediately. Brother Lonnie then finished His marshmallow dessert and slept peacefully. He returned to the Arizona campound and spread word that the myth of ‘Bigfoot’ had been solved. Like most things in life, there was a far simpler explanation. “The Sasquatch is nothing more than a hairy, wandering masturbator,” explained Lonnie to His flock. “I always believed this to be true and now have proof to show the non-believers.”

About Kenneth Day 12 Articles
Kenneth Day got his start doing The Lord's Work at a small church in Chandler, Arizona. He quickly rose through the ranks of his church and got the attention of several anti-masturbation crusaders who have enlisted his various talents. When Ken is not devoting his time to helping Lonnie's cause as well as other alternative religious organizations, he works as a video game reviewer.
Contact: Website

11 Comments on BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Solves Mystery Of Bigfoot

  1. Will Lonnie go to India and confront the Abominable Snowman? Any big hairy creature skulking throuh the Himalayas is a sure bet for being a masturbeast.

  2. Proof that the commandment Thou shalt not kill doesn’t apply to masturbators. Pick up your AR16s and start killing every sinner that you can put in you sights.

    • So I am not Human? He Really just Admitted to Killing a man with a flare Gun… So why not grab your AR16’s and kill all of the Christians that support this website. (I know This website set’s a bad example of Christians)

  3. I’m just interested but do you hate on people who masturbate/who are gay/sinners who do not share your religion?

  4. CONGRATS. I HOPE THE POLICE FIND THIS AND ARREST YOU. YOU KILLED A MAN. You killed a homeless, defenseless man. You killed him. “Though shalt not do murder” You believe in some 3000 year old book and killed someone!

  5. Didn’t kill a “Real Man”, just a filthy masturbator. Brother Lonnie is a HERO. He did the world a favor. I will sleep better at night, knowing that Brother Lonnie is out there, purifying America.

  6. Well, I’m convinced that this is fully satire.

    Can’t believe I let myself almost get riled up over all this.

Comments are closed.