Another one of life’s great mysteries has been solved thanks to the tireless efforts of Lonnie Childs. Brother Lonnie was out walking the Earth as He does from time to time and found Himself in Western Oregon in the woods. The particular area Brother Lonnie was traveling through is renowned for ‘Bigfoot’ sightings, but Brother Lonnie, spiritual man that He is does not believe in such hokum and made a campfire for the evening. Brother Lonnie began by praying over the sirloin steak, potatoes and can of Dinty Moore beef stew that He had cooked up. Before long, Brother Lonnie noticed a large shape in the nearby bushes. Unfazed, Brother Lonnie then slowly broke out the marshmallows from His pack and began to roast them over the open flame, all while chanting His favorite passages from the King Lonald Holy Bible.
The shape emerged from the bushes and approached Brother Lonnie’s campfire. He was then face to face with the creature many refer to as ‘Bigfoot’ or ‘The Sasquatch’. It was then that Brother Lonnie knew what He had to do. He offered to let this monster share His marshmallows. The beast actually thanked Brother Lonnie. “It speaks American, interesting” thought Brother Lonnie. Brother Lonnie then snapped a photograph of the horrible monster, shown here on His netsite for the first time.
Brother Lonnie then asked the standard questions that He asks those He encounters on His travels. “How many times have you masturbated?” asked Lonnie, already knowing the answer would be unacceptable. “So many times,” said the monster. “Being homeless and all and having to live out here in the woods it’s one of life’s simplest pleasures.” Brother Lonnie didn’t even get to the next question.
In one fluid motion, Lonnie pulled out His flare gun and put a flare right between the filthy masturbator’s eyes, killing the monster immediately. Brother Lonnie then finished His marshmallow dessert and slept peacefully. He returned to the Arizona campound and spread word that the myth of ‘Bigfoot’ had been solved. Like most things in life, there was a far simpler explanation. “The Sasquatch is nothing more than a hairy, wandering masturbator,” explained Lonnie to His flock. “I always believed this to be true and now have proof to show the non-believers.”