Anti Masturbation Group Leads Coup to Fix Turkey

July 15, 2016 3

(StopmasturbationNOW)— Turkeys days as the “Masturbation Capital of the Black Sea” are almost over. A anti masturbation advocate and follower of Lonnie Childs has led a military coup in Turkey.


SMN founder and leader Lonnie Childs released the following statement.

“Our friends in the Turkish military have taken over the government and imposed martial law. I wish to lend them both public and private support in the days and months ahead as they lay the foundation for the world’s first masturbation free […]

Archeologists find Ancient Anti-Masturbation Glove

January 25, 2016 6

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Archeologists from the Wyoming institute of Technology discovered evidence of an ancient society that was obviously ant-masturbation. Digging in the foothills of the Crimea, a team of 12 men found a metal glove designed to prevent masturbation.

Female Anti-Masturbation Archeologist

“I think they have found evidence of what may be the first anti masturbation society” Said Lonnie Childs “Think of what paradise the world would have been if the world would have followed their teaching”

“The glove is a left one” said […]

WNBA Season Comes to a Close

October 14, 2015 0

(StopMasturbationNOW)—This seasons WNBA season has come to a close. Sometime in the last couple of months the regular season ended and a champion was crowned we assume.
The WNBA is a lot like the NBA except where in the NBA both genders are welcome the WNBA excludes men to give women a chance to play and show up fundamentals like bounce passing and lay ups.



In Other Basketball News:

Lamar Odom

Another casualty of the Kardashians… If wrecking Bruce Jenner wasn’t enough, Lamar Odom […]

Family Values Approved Halloween Ghost Cookies Recipe

October 12, 2015 3

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Fall is one of the best times of the year. Hard working Americans get to reap the fruits of their labor, football is back, and baseball gets its World Series. But another one of the best things of the fall is Halloween and all the fun costumes and treats. Today we share one of the best treats of the year…Ghost Cookies.


Here are the ingredients your wife will need:

22 chocolate wafer cookies
1 envelope (2-3/4 tsp) unflavored gelatin
1 cup granulated sugar
Brown […]

Pictures of People Watching a 19 Year old Girl Masturbate

September 14, 2015 7

(StopMasturbationNOW)—There is nothing in the universe more disgusting or selfish than female masturbation. To prove this point we got a $50,000 grant from the Federal Government and The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow.

Nothing is more true than someone’s natural instinct and immediate reaction. So we exposed 100 people to a 1 minute clip of an attractive 19 year old female masturbating the results were intense. In the end we had 6 people forced to seek medical assistance and one person […]

Is Blades and Fades a Safe Place to get a Haircut?

September 12, 2015 0

(StopMasturbationNow)—A good clean haircut is a staple of male family values. However People working on building our North Idaho Compound and Traveling through the State of Washington were warned by local faithful to avoid a certain barber shop.


The place in question is Blades and Fades. A local haircutting establishment that recently gained famed on a website called Craig’s Lists. The issue was a comment on the Craig’s Lists about some silly sign, the owners apparently and stupidly called out individuals […]

Women’s World Cup Soccer Players do Lesbian Sex Act on Field

July 7, 2015 9

(StopmasturbationNOW)—This past Sunday was the finale of the 2015 Women’s Soccer World cup. A record number of people worldwide tuned in to watch Americans destroy the Chinese and once and for all get revenge for the cowardly Pearl Harbor attacks.

Initially viewers were in for a treat as the United States jumped out to quick lead en route to an easy victory. However the true horror still came later.

Unsuspecting viewers were terrorized as female soccer player Addie Wombat performed a mouth sex act on […]

Ten Common Names of Masturbators

July 7, 2015 11

(StopmasturbationNOW)—A lot of parents don’t take into account masturbation when they name their child. However did you know that a persons name is directly related to how much they masturbate? Here is a list of the top 5 boys and top 5 girls names for masturbation.


Sha’Nay Nay

Parents, it is important that you remember to conform to social norms when raising your children, starting at the name you give

Do Redheads Raise Masturbation Rates?

June 18, 2015 20

(StopMasturbationNOW)—One central theme constantly comes up on our masturbation hotline. “I need help! I saw a redheaded girl today and I’m having trouble not masturbating.” But what makes it true, is it the uniqueness that drives men crazy, is it the pale and therefore more attractive skin? Or is it something far more sinister? And are the redheads themselves to blame?


Take a look at some of the evidence we have gathered:

Lonnie Childs Apologizes to German People for American Interference in WW2

June 8, 2015 15

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Sometimes the United States has elected the wrong people and they have done the wrong thing. This weekend in a speech in Munich Germany, SMN industries founder and Leader Lonnie Childs apologized to the German people for Americas interfering with German goals in WW2. “America is a great friend to the German people, unfortunately Franklin Roosevelt was serving and under a diminished mental capacity and overreacted after Pearl Harbor. The Orientals should have been the target of our wrath and response […]

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