Carlos Danger
About Carlos Danger
Staunch anti-masturbation Christian soldier and former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan until I learned the dangers of secular music. Brother Lonnie saved me from a life of homoerotic servitude in which I was paid with food items from McDonald's value menu. I co-founded Christians Overcoming Carnal Knowledge (or COCK) to help former homogays test their firm commitment to a heterosexual lifestyle. I enjoy Gladiator movies, Top Gun and Christian fellowship with Latino men.

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

November 14, 2015 15

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW!

The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who don’t have the advantages afforded to God’s preferred and most loved white children. It is already hard enough to reach these children of masturbaters before it’s too without Horner’s extracurricular activities […]

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

October 12, 2015 38

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by intolerant White LIEberals to erase Teepee Indians from our culture by renaming the Washington Redskins, Brother Lonnie has decided it is time for America to own up to it’s treatment […]

Won’t You Please Help?

September 2, 2015 16

For immediate release:

“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed.  The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George […]

Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

August 28, 2015 9

As the fallout of the Ashley Madison masturbation scandal reaches its climax it’s to be expected the LIEberal elements of the netsites would try to tarnish Brother Lonnie’s saintly visage with tawdry claims that his e-mail account was among the millions exposed by hackers.  The notorious lesbian netsite hacker known simply as “Salazar” has claimed that she found a suspicious e-mail address among the millions released from Ashley Madison internal servers.  The e-mail address in question is NOTlonniechilds6969@stopmasturbationnow.org.  In a […]

Masturbation Made Illegal In All 50 States

July 7, 2015 19

The scourge of masturbation is now on its death throes as the efforts of Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs and a recent decision by the Supreme Court has made “Tina’s Law” mandatory in all 50 states. “Tina’s Law”, named after black singing sensation Tina Turner has made masturbation illegal with fines, imprisonment and forced registration on the sex offender list.

Brother Lonnie has been long ready for this day and has already made appointments to the Council of Morality which enforces Tina’s […]

Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

April 20, 2015 11

Superbowl winning superstar quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, Tim Tebow has been convicted of first degree murder and sentence to life without parole.  Brother Lonnie has called for the public to withhold judgment until all the facts are known.  In his statement Brother Lonnie cautioned against judging God’s favorite white American quarterback and warned that Tebow’s anti-masturbation stance and moral upbringing have long made him a target of Big Masturbation.  The full statement can be found below.

“I have prayed long […]

Brother Lonnie Revokes Tiger Woods’ Normal Status

February 7, 2015 6

According to Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, honorary Normal skinned golfing sensation Tiger Woods is once again black thanks to the recent scandal regarding his rampant masturbation and sleeping with over a dozen chubby white women with self esteem issues.  Tiger was made an honorary Normal due to his mastery of golf, his gleaming white teeth, friendship to white, moral, virtuous NFL superstar Ben Roethlisberger and his image as a family man who paid his bills on time.  “It is with a […]

Brother Lonnie Approves New Program For Converted Homogays

December 23, 2014 10

As a former homogay I spend many a restless night thinking back on my past lascivious lifestyle while praying long and hard to fight the temptations to return to the homogay cabal. After fifteen minutes of rest I begin praying long and hard again. As I was gripped in the throes of feverish, sweaty prayer I realized there was a way to fight the urges and test my commitment to Christ and Brother Lonnie’s teachings.

Brother Lonnie in his infinite wisdom […]

Autopsy Concludes that Dead Race Driver Self-Raped and Hemp Bonged Before Deadly Race

October 2, 2014 16

Twenty-year old Kevin Ward, Jr. self-raped and hemp bonged shortly before throwing himself in front of noted anti-masturbation, white Christian warrior and NASCAR racing sensation Tony Stewart according to the recently released autopsy.  Amateur footage suggests that the young driver was masturbating during the race when God fearing Christian white American hero Tony Stewart gently nudged his car into the wall as he had noticed erratic driving patterns suggesting self-rape was taking place inside Ward’s car placing the other drivers […]

Brother Lonnie Saves Flight From Terrorist Attack

September 26, 2014 35

In a scene straight out of a Hollywood script, Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs saved everyone aboard a Virgin Airlines flight to Los Angeles from a self-rape terrorist attack by notorious masturbater Doug Adams with the help of Jesus and his blunderbuss “Ol Tess”.

Adams attempted to bring down the flight and all aboard by furiously self-raping in the bathroom which Brother Lonnie’s finely tuned senses picked up on immediately. As an honorary air marshal Brother Lonnie is authorized to carry his […]

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