About Cathy Redmond
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

September 14, 2015 0

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how terrible conditions are on Earth right now.

“Pope Francis just finally had enough,” explains Brother Dylan Stout of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “We got a direct call into the […]

Masturbators Cause Cucumber Recall in California

September 8, 2015 4

Our friends at Fox News have reported on a “salmonella outbreak” that has caused the recall of cucumbers in California. While it is true that there has been a mass recall of the unfortunately shaped vegetable in the state, the Big Masturbation media handlers have once again covered up the actual cause of the concern.

“Cucumbers are the number one problem vegetable for female masturbation,” explains Faith Scientist Brother Werner Crawford. “Many people likely assume things like carrots or bananas are […]

Shorts: Satan’s Garment

August 28, 2015 6

A new study by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow resulted in the discovery that there is a significant increase in self-rape rates in the warmer months of the year. Faith Scientist, Brother Richie Brinkman made the startling conclusion that one of the key factors to this spike in masturbation statistics is due to the “wearing of shorts and other inappropriate summer wear” on “beaches and common American city streets”.

Brother Brinkman asserts that, “Lesser gendereds, and even some men, take to wearing […]

Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

August 18, 2015 3

By now you’ve probably already seen the news that former sandwich icon, Jared Fogle, of the famed Subway fast food chain is about to plead guilty to allegations that he possessed illegal child pornography. Prior to this revelation, Fogle had been mum about his level of guilt in the Jared Foundation pornography sweep by federal agents. However, sources inside Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts have revealed that a sit down with Lonnie Childs is what convinced Fogle to admit […]

“Scientific Study” Requires Men to Masturbate to Pornography

August 13, 2015 43

A “friend” shared a completely disgusting article the other day that claimed a “scientific study” recently found that men ejaculate larger amounts of sperm when they’re with, what they called, “novel” women. I was initially suspicious of this posting, so I read further and realized that this was not a study conducted by faith scientists to help pure, normal men procreate with multiple women.

No, of course not.

This “scientific study” came to its conclusions by way of requiring the men involved […]

Lenny Kravitz Wardrobe Malfunction Proves Status As Masturbator

August 4, 2015 11

Emo rocker Lenny Kravitz recently embarrassed himself in public by way of a “wardrobe malfunction” while on stage performing to a live audience. The alleged “malfunction” occurred when Kravitz’s pants supposedly “exploded”; causing his unremarkable, rubbery genitalia to flop in time with the spastic motions his body was making to the unclean music being performed by his backing band. While the media is reporting on this transgression by Kravitz, they’re playing it off an as “accident”. Brother Ethan Applegate, a […]

Lonnie Childs To Sue HBO Over ‘Game Of Thrones’ Scene

August 1, 2015 13

Brother Lonnie Childs is seeking damages after the heathens at HBO have reportedly bastardized a “reenactment” of a private Lonvidian custom in their hit series Game of Thrones. The episode in question, the “season finale” of Season 5, entitled ‘Mother’s Mercy’, features a scene with the character Cersei that would hit too close to come to any devout follower of Brother Lonnie.

“None of us have seen it,” explains Brother Foster Good. “The Brothers we task with scouring ‘popular culture’ for […]

BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Gets Masturbator Hulk Hogan Banished From WWE

July 24, 2015 6

STAMFORD, CT (SMN) — Word has spread quickly tonight that World Wrestling Entertainment has purged former “Superstar”, Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea from their entire website and have also removed him as a judge on their weekly reality show ‘Tough Enough’. That has been much speculation on what would cause the WWE to completely distance themselves from one of their previously most beloved employees. Some felt that perhaps Hogan had said derogatory things about non-normals, but B.L.U.F.F. media insider Brother Adolph […]

Lonnie Childs Succeeds In Getting Iggy Azalea Tour Canceled

May 30, 2015 5

Lonnie Childs has done it again! Word has come down from Iggy Azalea’s management that her ‘Great Escape’ tour has been officially canceled. The alleged rapper, Azalea, has long been considered a tool of the entertainment division of Big Masturbation. “Big Masturbation has used pop stars and singers as means to their filthy ends for years,” said Brother Parker Osgood of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts in Safford, Arizona. “Stars like Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, even going as far […]

Study: Self-Employed Are More Likely to Self-Rape

May 27, 2015 8

A recent study conducted by The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow has uncovered a new faith fact proving a link between self-employment and self-rape. The Foundation’s study concluded that the rate of self-rape among individuals who consider themselves “self-employed” was significantly higher than among individuals who work for someone else. “The self-employed are typically able to set their own hours,” explained Dr. Chester Grant of the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. “This allows those masturbators to set aside extra time […]

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