Thomas Kelly
About Thomas Kelly
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

January 11, 2016 49

ENGLAND, PROBABLY, MAYBE SCOTLAND (SMNNN)

Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old.

Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when he fell to Earth and immediately began befouling himself. His terrible masturbation fueled howls were soon recorded by some awful person, and through obvious Satanism, were placed “on the air”, which then […]

Is Masturbation Destroying The Climate?

January 6, 2016 34

SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

A chilling result of a study, released by Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts, and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, entitled: “Masturbation Residue And It’s Effects On The Global Climate “ outlines the direct impact of the masturbator and it’s filth, on the peaceful, God-fearing innocent peoples of the world, and all of God’s creation.

MRFP at 100X magnifications

The Masturbation Residue Film Particle, or MRFP, is the pollutant that clogs both air and water, and has been proven to […]

T’was The Night Before Lonnsmas

December 24, 2015 0

This Lonnsmas Eve, we fellow Normals would like to share a poem written by Augustus Weizmoore in 1801:

THE NIGHT BEFORE LONNSMAS

T’was the night before Lonnsmas,
and all through the campound,
Not a Normal was stirring,
for their sleep was profound

I in my vestments.
And my SRAS in restraint.
Had just settled in,
for our Lonnsmas Eve date

When out on the impenetrable armor plated bunker roof,
there came a faint tap,
I sprang up with two guns,
Ready to bust mad […]

Fappy Sentenced To Eight Years Imprisonment

December 2, 2015 9

SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

Paul Horner, the man inside the Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin furry mascot suit has been sentenced to eight years in federal prison following his arrest for accosting sea-animals at Sea World aquarium.

Saul Reubenstein, Horner’s attorney says they tried really hard, but the evidence against Paul Horner was far too damning. ” We thought we were gonna get him off,  Scott-free, but a new high-definition video taken by bystander Doug Pinnick, clearly shows him inserting his (censored) into a […]

Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

November 18, 2015 3

B.L.U.F.F CAMPOUND, SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

Brother Lonnie Childs revealed today, that God himself, in all his Godly splendor and wisdom, decreed unto Brother Lonnie the command to augment the traditional Ten Commandments, and replace them throughout the Christian world with the New Eleven Commandments.

The Eleven Commandments remain largely unchanged save for the new First Commandment: Thou Shall Not Masturbate.

Brother Lonnie also calls for unanimous acceptance of this new Eleven Commandments in public and educational systems throughout the world.

” There’s no ifs, […]

Save Not Shame! It’s what Lonnie Would Do.

November 17, 2015 1

EDITORIAL (SMNNN)

During these tumultuous times, vicious rumors, and terrible evil seem to have befallen us all, which, is no doubt, the fault of masturbators ruining the Earth as the make themselves pawns to the sick, evil, plans of Satan.

But recently, we have all had to make sacrifices, and changes within our lives. Be it being beaten severely for destroying priceless religious artifacts, a diesel power station, befouling the well, burning Lonnie’s guest house, award-winning, mint-condition 1987 Buick Grand Sport and […]

Top Five Self-Rape Detterents

November 13, 2015 6

B.L.U.F.F RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT, SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

Even though the STOP masturbation NOW Ministries are busy fighting heathens, non-Normals, heretics, Big Masturbation, and Common sLIEnce, we can’t be there to help everyone beat off Satan all the time. As such, we have devoted a huge amount of resources and over $500,000 USD to compiling a list of the top deterrents of masturbation, that you too, can use at home and abroad, or whenever the need to curtail self-rape becomes duly necessary […]

Bananas: Satan’s Fruit

July 30, 2015 19

NATURE- SMNNN

Throughout nature, we at B.L.U.F.F and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow have found a plethora of disgusting natural objects that codify self-rape, but perhaps none is so blatantly obviously created to be a foul dingus as that demonic penis-resembling fruit: the banana.

THE AGENDA

Here we see Mexicans harvesting bananas, which will fund ISIS, surely

The agenda of this yellow phallus shaped succulent fruit is unclear. Try as though we might, we have yet to be able to get the bananas […]

The Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™

June 28, 2015 22

SMNNN- (B.L.U.F.F PRODUCT RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT)

Hello Faithfriends, Chosen Normals and Pledged Self-Chastes, and our allies! Today we are pleased to present the answer to all your portable anti-masturbation needs, the newly unveiled Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™, the collapsible restraint system designed by the same people who designed the Anti-Masturbation Cross ™.

In these dark, masturbation laden times, we at B.L.U.F.F R&D heard the requests of parents who bought our extremely successful Anti-Masturbation Cross ™, and their requests for a more portable, easier […]

Rain in Washington D.C. Thought To Be God’s Tears Following Landmark Decision To Allow Gay Marriage

June 27, 2015 18

SMNNN (WASHINGTON D.C.)

Weather.com reports rain and thunderstorms in the Washington D.C. today, following the landmark decision by the Supreme Court to recognize gay homosex marriage and queerosexual unions, and to disobey the Lord and his holy wishes, ultimately ushering in the Rapture, signifying the beginning of the end of the world as we know it.

The rain and thunder were said by local Lonvidians to be “a sure sign of (the rapture)” and “probably ( the tears of a weeping God, […]

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