Sign Our Petition to Get American Actor Hugh Jackman to Change His Offensive Name

September 14, 2016 61

(StopMasturbationNOW)—This is a reminder that we need more signatures to force American actor Hugh Jackman to change his offensive name. As of noon 6/12/2015 we have had 753,252 signatures which is over 75% of the needed one million required to force a name change.

Our children are bombarded with anti family values messages everyday and the last thing we parents need to worry about is the name of an actor appearing subliminally in movie credits.

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Harambe is Slang for Male Masturbation

September 12, 2016 17

Dear Lonnie,

My 13 Year-old son wants to buy a Harambe t shirt. I asked him what it meant and he had trouble explaining it to me. It sounds kind of ethnic? Can you provide any guidance?

Patricia Hunt



Thank you for writing. You are right to worry. Harambe is secret slang for male masturbation. People will post or write “penis out for Harambe”. This is then taken as a sign to masturbate. Harambe is an ancient black word meaning “black sin pole”. It has […]

How many Gold Medals Would Tim Tebow Win if he was at the Olympics?

August 9, 2016 8

Dear Lonnie, how many medals would Tim Tebow win if he was at the Olympics?

Bart Tanner 13


Well Bart, the easy answer of course would be all of them. Laughing Out Loud! But seriously, it is a great question and involves a lot of thought. As a hypothetical question we need to make some assumptions.

Assumption number 1. We will limit this to individual sports to rule out variables in teammate play.

Assumption number 2. We will rule out medals in sports that […]

Rio 2016 Medal Table By Race

August 8, 2016 4

Medal Table by Race










Continuing Rio 2016

Rio 2016: Semen, Lesbians and Crocodiles, and All This Before Any Medals Have Been Won

August 5, 2016 10

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Not a single Olympic medal has been awarded yet and already these Olympics have been an utter travesty. You would think these are the special Olympics but there is nothing special in Rio.

Hundreds of athletes have reported semen stained bedding and in some cases semen caked on the floor up to an inch thick.

The women’s basketball players seem to be worried about scoring with each other more than scoring buckets.

And lastly golf, back for the first time in one […]

Faith Scientists: Masturbation causes Tzatziki Virus

June 23, 2016 12

(StopMasturbationNOW)—One of this year’s hottest topics has been the dreaded Tzatziki Virus. Pronounced “Zeekah” the virus has received extra attention due to the Olympics being held in the largest Mexican territory of Brazil this year.

A breakthrough has occurred as Faith Scientists discovered this week the origins of the virus. According to faith scientist Norah McCabe who works for the Childs institute “when we looked at blood cells the normal cell has RNA genome genes that encode seven nonstructural proteins and […]

Print Your Own Free Masturbation Promise Father’s Day Card

June 17, 2016 10

(StopMasturbationNOW)—This coming Sunday is Father’s Day. Make sure you tell your father you love him and respect his values by printing and signing your very own SMN Industries Fathers Day Promise card. Click on the graphic below or here on this link and then print it.  Cut along the dotted lines and fold and sign and you have the best gift a dad could ever

Can a Trump Tebow Presidential Ticket Deliver a 50 State Landslide

June 17, 2016 2

(StopMasturbationNOW)—President Trump is headed to a easy victory this coming November, however he has one last task to make sure that victory is absolute and turned into a mandate from the people. That one thing to do is to pick a running mate. A running mate is probably one of the most important decisions a candidate can make. And even though President trump has it so locked up that even Obama is deferring to Trump before making decisions he still […]

Insanity, Incest, and Inebriation: Is it Time to Ban Australia Day?

January 26, 2016 12

(StopMasturbationNOW)—When you say Australia, most of the world thinks about prison colonies, Crocodile Dundee, Olympic cheaters, terrible music, and kangaroos. But the reality is much much darker than that.

A Typical Drunk Aussie

Australia was founded as the prison for the western world, sexual deviants, masturbators, homosexuals, rapists, and murders were put here as the land resembled a hell worse than death itself. Unfortunately they bred and as the world got smaller Australians became a part of the rest of the world.


Today […]

Masturbation Rates Up In Areas Hit By Blizzard: What Can You Do To Stay Safe

January 23, 2016 19

(StopMasturbationNOW)— The great Blizzard of 2016 is rolling up the east coast and with it people are staying home to avoid the snow and bad roads. Unfortunately a consequence of this is people have much more free time and isolation which is a recipe for masturbation disaster.

In Baltimore alone masturbation rates are up almost 335%, in Philadelphia 280%, Long Island over 200%.

“The combination of the blizzard conditions combined with a weekend where people don’t have to work makes for […]

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