A Glimpse Inside Of An Actual Anti-Masturbation Re-education Ceremony

As a member of the fact-based, right-thinking American press machine and a friend of the Stop Masturbation Now movement, I was granted a special look inside during an actual anti-masturbation re-education event at the Safford, Arizona B.L.U.F.F. campound. I’d like to extend special thanks to Brother Barrett Crenshaw and his SRAS, Sister Magdalena Crenshaw for allowing me to bivouac in their yard during my stay in Safford. Also, thanks are  due to Dr. Lonald Childs for his offer being able to contribute unbiased press coverage during an otherwise private event.

I arrived at the Safford, Arizona campound just before dusk. I was greeted at the gates by Brother Johnson Booth, who would serve as my handler during my time on the campound. Brother Booth took me to Brother Crenshaw’s homestead and allowed me a few moments to freshen up and stow my belongings. I then was shown most of the major structures on the campound. One exception being the Menstrual Hut, which was apparently ‘filled to capacity’ during my entire stay. I don’t feel I missed anything important by not seeing that. Brother Booth agreed.

As night fell, it was time to visit the ceremony. As pictured above, the event was an ‘anti-masturbation re-education ceremony’. Presiding was Brother Edison Breen, the bearded fellow in the Brother Lonnie Anti-Masturbation cloak™ in the one photo I was allowed to take. The remaining space was filled in by Brother Breen’s several SRASs who all held candles so that he could see to read important passages from the King Lonald Holy Bible. Brother Booth explained that the woman on the table being re-educated was new convert to the Stop Masturbation Now movement and had been finally been caught after several relapses. Booth said, “Her hands were twisted into knotted disgusting things and she could no longer hold axes, brooms or any of the other tools required for her to do her daily chores.” Booth then said she was detained and this event was scheduled.

After three hours of Brother Breen reading a few choice passages of the wonderful King Lonald Holy Bible, we all drank a sip from the communal goblet of cat milk and then all prayed at the deviant woman on the table. Brother Booth said I was allowed to take part in this section of the ceremony as I am considered a friend to the movement even though I “don’t reside on the campound… yet”.

The ceremony concluded with Brother Lonnie appearing live via satellite on a few large screens powered by cathode ray tubes. Dr. Childs blessed some of us and waved His hands in the general direction of the target of the re-education. The feed then cut out and Brother Breen confirmed the miracle we all just witnessed. The re-educated woman was then hooked up to a machine by way of a series of wires. What happened next proved the amazing work that Dr. Childs is doing. I was allowed to shoot a short video clip of the woman’s hands working again!
tumblr_n7s60sgeqt1qc17oko1_r5_400Brother Breen then declared that, “Lonnie Childs has blessed us with another one of His miracles! Sister [redacted], SRAS of Brother [redacted] has been cured of her masturbation caused affliction. Praise Lonnie!”. The crowd then dispersed and evening curfew was announced. I went back to my cot in Brother Crenshaw’s yard and started writing of the wonders I had just seen.

As I headed out to the main gate the next morning, I saw this woman, who when I arrived was unable to use either of her hands, once again chopping firewood like Brother Lonnie intended. Praise Lonnie and praise all of the amazing things He is capable of!”

About Kenneth Day 12 Articles
Kenneth Day got his start doing The Lord's Work at a small church in Chandler, Arizona. He quickly rose through the ranks of his church and got the attention of several anti-masturbation crusaders who have enlisted his various talents. When Ken is not devoting his time to helping Lonnie's cause as well as other alternative religious organizations, he works as a video game reviewer.
Contact: Website

8 Comments on A Glimpse Inside Of An Actual Anti-Masturbation Re-education Ceremony

  1. We allowed Mr. Day into our church so that the outside world may understand that miracles are being performed here! When you stop masturbating, literally ANYTHING is possible! Praise!

    • Lonnie is the size God intends Him to be at all times. Lonnie understands that so He would never feel such petty human emotions as “embarrassment”. Lonnie clearly had to appear via remote technology as He was needed in two places at once. It happens more often than you’d think.

  2. THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING ON THE PLANET this HAS to be a joke. masturbation is not bad for you!!!!!!!

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