Research Shows These Seven Hobbies Will Prevent Self-Rape

For a long time, it was believed that God gave people a given level of abstinence and there was nothing anyone could to to prevent the sinful lust impulses that lead to masturbation.

Scientists at Brother Lonnie University or Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.) through a grant awarded by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow have now proven that we can actually increase our abstinence potential and enjoy ourselves without handling our filthy sex organs in the process.

Here is a list of seven hobbies that will help you to abstain from self-rape and preserve the immortal soul to avoid an eternity burning in sulfuric hell fires.

7 activities

1. Play a musical instrument

Aside from the trouser horn, skin flute, or upright organ, learning and playing a musical instrument not only focuses the cognitive portion of the brain away from the lap, it helps with creativity, analytical skills, language, math, fine motor skills, and more.

2. Reading

As long as you aren’t reading filthy or banned material like pornographics or hellbound satanic literature like “Game of Thrones” or “Harry Potter,” your brain’s occupation on the printed page and the use of brain signals used in the cognitive process will take the place of sexual yearning for the erect penis or moistened sink hole of that cute neighbor.

Try the latest issue of The Wall Street Journal. Reading reduces stress, which makes you feel better about yourself, and increases intelligence.

3. Exercise regularly

Instead of one tough workout every week or so, performing regular interval exercising will reduce stress, work those tired bones and muscles, and keep you from muscling your penile bone or finger cave.

The same endorphins that race to your brain when working out are an immunity from the urges associated with self-rape.

4. Learn a new language

I know that it is strange to see “learning a new language” in this list since other godless societies lack the spiritual presence to prevent self-rape, but that was not the finding of the B.L.U.F.F. scientists.

Research has shown that people who are bilingual are better at problem solving and more analytical. Also, learning a new language can put one front and center of a culture that encourages masturbation. Learn French, and you will become more appalled by the French society and its affinity for self-rape.

5. Test your cumulative learning

It is beneficial to both the state of your soul and your career to increase and verify your compitencies. Bear in mind, however, that even the most scholarly are susceptible to self-rape tendencies. A case in point is the intellectual leftwing.

Lazy minds, no matter how educated, are prime targets for the devil when it comes to masturbation urges. Always be looking to educate yourself. Increase your brain power with a thorough knowledge of the King Lonald Holy Bible, your career, or in a topic you love, like History, or home-schooling texts.

Also, if you work on your grammar, you won’t appear to be a witless boob when you post on certain facebook pages.

6. Work out your brain

Neuroplasticity is when nerve cells in the brain respond to new and informative data, not the repetitive brainless muscle automation typical of stroking one’s rigid member or slickened sin-tip.

Sudoku, puzzles, riddles, board games, video games, card games, and similar activities increase neuroplastic brain activity, which can conquer urges to self-rape.  Make sure that you stay away from satanic board games, like We-G boards and anything adorned with pentagrams.

7. Meditate

The most controversial of all these hobbies is meditation which was instituted as way toward enlightenment by Asian religious kook, the Dolly Llama. It turns out that B.L.U.F.F. Scientists have discovered that as little as 10 minutes a day of ridiculous humming and thinking of calming feelings in a green meadow can help alleviate the tendency to think about sex and dirty pornographics that lead to erections or female moisture.

borderIn conclusion, it has been unanimously determined that focusing self-improvement on the brain is a good idea for anyone who finds abstaining from masturbation a problem. These hobbies are sure to maximize the potential of your soul. Besides, everyone around you will rejoice that you’ve found something to do other than choke your hotdog or flick your vag-bean.

Praise Lonnie!

About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
Contact: Website

17 Comments on Research Shows These Seven Hobbies Will Prevent Self-Rape

  1. I am currently learning a new language. I don’t know what it is called, but the dark-people speak it.
    Like many foreign languages, this one has many words similar to the ones used in the American Language. Ironically, the dark-people use the word “N!&&A” a lot. They say things like “N!&&A Please!” Or they greet eachother by saying “Wassup my N!&&A?”
    So far, I can tell you that when I greet the dark-people by calling them “N!&&A,” I never feel the urge to self-rape.

  2. I used to think that the solution to masturbating youth was a good ass whuppin’. But research has shown that the self-abusing perverts just develop perverted BDSM fetishes when this method is used. Even the most staunch conservatives agree that acting like a “dom” in a pornographical flicker show is not the solution to this serious masturbation problem. New solutions are indeed needed.

    The suggested solutions here, however, are very questionable. It makes me question the integrity of this netsite. The last one almost had me choking on my Scotch. Meditation is associated with the false gook religions and new-age dope smokers. No true follower of Christ would ever sit cross-legged and go “ohm”. That’s an invitation to demonic possession.

    After years of research, I have found the true solution:

    Just read the damn Bible!

    Preferably the King James version, 1611. It is the true word of God and you will never think your own other other people’s genitals outside of procreation in the missionary position, ever again.

    • Yes, go ahead. “Pray Against” me, you fool! When I’m sitting on the right hand side of Jesus Christ up there in Heaven, what do you think He would tell you? Welcome? No way, Jose. He would tell you to bugger off to hell where you can indulge in your masturbation and BDSM fetishes for all eternity. I just hope your fetishes are extreme enough to include Satan brutally sodomizing you with a flaming poker.

      You unsaved breast!

    • You’re welcome, Cathy, my dear. Here’s a hearty cheer for you for having remained fap-free since your oath. What is it, now, six years? No more are you wasting each day digging for pearls in your moistened clam. Praise Lonnie!

  3. If everyone sits on the right handside of Jesus, wouldn’t it be very tight for everyone? And would you change places, so everybody could sit next to him?
    Think about it.

  4. self-rape? i seriously hope your trolling right now but sadly enough i dont think you are, anyone who believes in this needs to neck themselves. simple.

  5. Thank you!!! Now I know what to do the next time the devil tries to make me turn the Palmers loose on Mr. Pickleman.

  6. I can’t decide if this site if forreal or not but let me tell you I am thoroughly amused! This is hilarious! Made my day lmao

Comments are closed.