For a long time, it was believed that God gave people a given level of abstinence and there was nothing anyone could to to prevent the sinful lust impulses that lead to masturbation.
Scientists at Brother Lonnie University or Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.) through a grant awarded by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow have now proven that we can actually increase our abstinence potential and enjoy ourselves without handling our filthy sex organs in the process.
Here is a list of seven hobbies that will help you to abstain from self-rape and preserve the immortal soul to avoid an eternity burning in sulfuric hell fires.
1. Play a musical instrument
Aside from the trouser horn, skin flute, or upright organ, learning and playing a musical instrument not only focuses the cognitive portion of the brain away from the lap, it helps with creativity, analytical skills, language, math, fine motor skills, and more.
As long as you aren’t reading filthy or banned material like pornographics or hellbound satanic literature like “Game of Thrones” or “Harry Potter,” your brain’s occupation on the printed page and the use of brain signals used in the cognitive process will take the place of sexual yearning for the erect penis or moistened sink hole of that cute neighbor.
Try the latest issue of The Wall Street Journal. Reading reduces stress, which makes you feel better about yourself, and increases intelligence.
3. Exercise regularly
Instead of one tough workout every week or so, performing regular interval exercising will reduce stress, work those tired bones and muscles, and keep you from muscling your penile bone or finger cave.
The same endorphins that race to your brain when working out are an immunity from the urges associated with self-rape.
4. Learn a new language
I know that it is strange to see “learning a new language” in this list since other godless societies lack the spiritual presence to prevent self-rape, but that was not the finding of the B.L.U.F.F. scientists.
Research has shown that people who are bilingual are better at problem solving and more analytical. Also, learning a new language can put one front and center of a culture that encourages masturbation. Learn French, and you will become more appalled by the French society and its affinity for self-rape.
5. Test your cumulative learning
It is beneficial to both the state of your soul and your career to increase and verify your compitencies. Bear in mind, however, that even the most scholarly are susceptible to self-rape tendencies. A case in point is the intellectual leftwing.
Lazy minds, no matter how educated, are prime targets for the devil when it comes to masturbation urges. Always be looking to educate yourself. Increase your brain power with a thorough knowledge of the King Lonald Holy Bible, your career, or in a topic you love, like History, or home-schooling texts.
Also, if you work on your grammar, you won’t appear to be a witless boob when you post on certain facebook pages.
6. Work out your brain
Neuroplasticity is when nerve cells in the brain respond to new and informative data, not the repetitive brainless muscle automation typical of stroking one’s rigid member or slickened sin-tip.
Sudoku, puzzles, riddles, board games, video games, card games, and similar activities increase neuroplastic brain activity, which can conquer urges to self-rape. Make sure that you stay away from satanic board games, like We-G boards and anything adorned with pentagrams.
The most controversial of all these hobbies is meditation which was instituted as way toward enlightenment by Asian religious kook, the Dolly Llama. It turns out that B.L.U.F.F. Scientists have discovered that as little as 10 minutes a day of ridiculous humming and thinking of calming feelings in a green meadow can help alleviate the tendency to think about sex and dirty pornographics that lead to erections or female moisture.
In conclusion, it has been unanimously determined that focusing self-improvement on the brain is a good idea for anyone who finds abstaining from masturbation a problem. These hobbies are sure to maximize the potential of your soul. Besides, everyone around you will rejoice that you’ve found something to do other than choke your hotdog or flick your vag-bean.