Study: Masturbation Residues found on 99.7% of Discarded iPhones

B.L.U.F.F. SAFFORD AZ – Mobile phones and devices have become an increasing fixture in American life during the last decade or two. It seems that a person can go nowhere without finding citizens fiddling away with their noses in a cellular phone or tablet electronic device. Pastors and Ministers have even reported that parishioners will be surfed up during Sunday church services.

But these sins pale in comparison to the most deadly of sins, that of masturbation. At Brother Lonnie’s University or FaithFacts (B.L.U.F.F.), scientists have been painstakingly working to rid the world of self-rape. Many new and important discoveries and innovations toward of the goal of eradicating masturbation have been developed at the laboratories of B.L.U.F.F. in Safford, AZ.

One new discovery involves discarded iPhones. B.L.U.F.F. scientists, working through a federal grant to the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow, have made startling discoveries while conducting experiments on and analysis of discarded iPhones. One such discovery sent chills through the SMN Community.

Of more than 1,500 discarded iPhones studied at B.L.U.F.F. Labs in Safford, AZ, it has been verified that the presence of masturbation particulates and seminal residues have been found on 99.7% of them. This includes dna particles, flaked skin from genital rubbing, and dried vaginal juices as female self rapists frig their slices and touch their iphones without washing.

Each iPhone was cotton swabbed on both the viewing surface and the outer shell, taking special care to really get up in those nooks and crannies on the case. Under laboratory conditions, the presence of oxidized and fresh ejaculate matter was found on nearly all of the iPhones. IPhones turning up negative for masturbation residue were exclusively owned by B.L.U.F.F. personnel who have taken the Stop Masturbation Now! Oath.

Speculation is with faster internet speeds on the newer devices, the temptation to view web pornography is at an all-time high. Most scientists believe it is when the iPhone user is alone that masturbation particulates are downloaded and pasted on the devices after hand solo sessions.

With the advent of newer technologies and much faster internet speeds, B.L.U.F.F. scientists predict this number will not drop any time soon.

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Cassidy Pen
About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
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3 Comments on Study: Masturbation Residues found on 99.7% of Discarded iPhones

  1. The "G"s in 3g and 4g describe what level G spot pleasure the phone can penetrate.

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    • I'm grateful that Steve Hand-Jobs was struck down by Brother Lonnie's prayers.

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  2. I would be grateful to get a peek under that eyepatch carlos. I'd like to see if i can skull fuck you and coat your brain with my jism. And then you, me, lonnie, and augustweisz and the rest of you sexy motherfuckers can stroke each other's sin sticks in a massive circle jerk. Oh i get so hot just thinking about all of you and the girls too. Cathy REDMOUND can be our clean up bitch and truffle can be our fluffer and we can pound each other until our bungholes bleed...HOT HOT HOT

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