As the fallout of the Ashley Madison masturbation scandal reaches its climax it’s to be expected the LIEberal elements of the netsites would try to tarnish Brother Lonnie’s saintly visage with tawdry claims that his e-mail account was among the millions exposed by hackers. The notorious lesbian netsite hacker known simply as “Salazar” has claimed that she found a suspicious e-mail address among the millions released from Ashley Madison internal servers. The e-mail address in question is NOTlonniechilds6969@stopmasturbationnow.org. In a recent blog posting by “Salazar” the netsite hacker reiterated that just because she has refused Brother Lonnie’s offers to insert his love into her, that does not make her a lesbian and that in her opinion this new information exposes Brother Lonnie as a hypocrite and she hopes his ministry dies with him.
Brother Lonnie was reached by phone at his hidden underground compound where he gave this statement; “No, no of course this was not me. It very clearly states this e-mail account is NOT Lonnie Childs. How much more proof do you need? This Salazar lesbian is obviously infatuated with me and I invite her to come to our beautiful secret compound to learn more about my cult…oops I mean, alternative religious movement. I was just joking about that cult part. Is this being recorded? Besides I would never do this to my favored wife Lilly. She is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen and she plows the fields more efficiently than my other wives….er…uh….their names aren’t important right now. What is important is….no….Lilly..please….I swear that wasn’t my e-mail….OW!…no please put the knife back! I…uh…have to go. God bless some of you! Praise!”
Brother Lonnie’s mother; Olga Childs, who rarely goes public, made this statement. “I generally let my little Lonnie fight his own battles but I cannot stand by idly while this “Salazar” hussy tarnishes my beloved Lonnie’s name. I can assure you my son has not touched his sin stick since the mid 1980’s when I caught him raping himself to a vile picture of black pop singing sensation Tina Turner. Some have questioned my actions but I ask them to put themselves into my shoes and think what they would do if they found their oldest son violently raping his own genitalia. Would you idly watch or would you too force your child to confess to his pastor, congregation, schoolmates then the police in order to save their soul? I believe as parents you would have also done the right thing. God bless some of you.”
Some of Brother Lonnie’s followers were asked for comment. Brother Tom Downey replied “Uh..did…they..uh…find any other e-mail accounts from stopmasturbationnow.org? Is it true that over 90% of the members were men? Aw man.” According to notorious lesbian netsite hacker “Salazar” she also found e-mail addresses originating from Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin’s netsite. Fappy was unable to comment as he is in the midst of a taxpayer funded tour of inner city schools teaching the children and staff about the dangers of masturbation.
As the fallout continues we faithful are unshaken in our belief that Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs is the right hand man of God, his emissary here on Earth and that all these baseless accusations against him will be proven to be false. Big Masturbation will stop at nothing to discredit Brother Lonnie and with the recent setbacks to their agenda at the hands of our Dear Leader it is only natural that they react like a caged animal. Undeterred Brother Lonnie will continue his ministry and teach the world about God’s unconditional love of some of you and that self-rape is the cause of war, disease, famine, unwanted pregnancy as well as the good Magic Johnson AIDS and the bad Eazy-E AIDS. God bless some of you.