David Bowie Dead Of Cancer



Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old.

Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when he fell to Earth and immediately began befouling himself. His terrible masturbation fueled howls were soon recorded by some awful person, and through obvious Satanism, were placed “on the air”, which then quickly became popular with all sorts of degenerates, especially the Irish and Australians. Foreign and domestic perverts often “collaborated” with Bowie, and recorded their sick self-rape sessions, also using his sexless, sex-devil filth, as a vehicle to further degenerate society. This list includes such horrid deviants as:

Trent Rezoner of Nine Foot Nail

McJagger of the Ke$ha song

Myron Mason of Myron Man5on

Johnny Cash



The Gays

Sometime during the relentless orgy of sin and pollution, he became one of Big Masturbation’s biggest paid shills, amassing enough to purchase New Zealand, which he used to reenact “The Wizard Of Oz” as a sort of immersive hallucination, which he used to steal Normal babies and feed them to himself and his army of muppets.

We at STOP Masturbation NOW are certainly glad to see him, and his enormous and often prominent genital gone! We only regret he lasted so long, and went so deep, that the damage to our society is irreparable.

Let this be a potent reminder that Lonnie Child’s messages and SMN Minsitries has been proven correct, for this masturbator has died of cancer, as is God’s will! It is not too late for you to repent from the sin of self-rape.

Repent and Take the STOP Masturbation Now Purity Pledge, and avoid dying of cancer, and going to Hell!


About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

50 Comments on David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

  1. Glam-fag David Bowie died by his own hand. His art (music) had potential once but the second he took his filthy sin-stick firmly in hand and vivaciously beat hell out of it he sealed his own fate… DEATH by masturbation related cancer. Farewell you sick-o perv.

  2. Using shocking and divisive language to sell advertising space? Wow, what a concept. Let’s put it this way. Your idea isn’t going to get you repeat visitors because nobody would ever want to come to this website twice. Say what you want about David Bowie but at least he was successful. Your concept and website are total shit. Eat some dicks!

  3. Let them talk their F.L.U.F.F. OOPS! I meant blowjobs! Oops! I did it again! The bliffs ah shit i meant bluffs, let them spit their bluff bullshit because that fact of the matter is they don’t matter at all to anyone. They claim to be Christian people but they can’t even follow one of the most well known rules of the Bible. They use this site to try and push their beliefs on a world who laughs at them and to use it for their true purpose which is hate mongering and spewing racial hate. These people are a Goddamned joke. And the irony is that if Hell does exist all these idiots are gonna be there sucking David Bowie’s cock while taking the Lucifer’s demon jizz up the ass. A fitting end for these SMN dumbasses. Hahahahahahahaha fuck you guys you bigoted fucktards

  4. Liver cancer is connected to masturbation? Last I checked the liver produced bile for the small intestine and neutralizes the toxins in the blood while producing essential protein so it has no relation with the genitals whatsoever.

    • Alternatively die from prostate cancer by leaving semen in your scrotum more than 48 hrs, where it degrades into powerful carcinogens. As cancer gets you both ways, just wank it out and be happy

    • I hope your liver stops producing bile for your small intestine and neutralizing the toxins in the blood while producing essential proteins.

  5. Let god make you all see masturbation is a natural way of causing repression of sex that leads to rape and child abuse. Your beliefs need to be changed for the safety of others.

  6. Nine Foot Nail what the hell is a Nine Foot Nail You got the name Trent Reznor right but fuck sakes it’s NINE INCH NAILS! fucking morons this site is fucked actually i’m jacking off right now watching porn while smoking a joint and drinking so fuck you fuck your radical extremist religious views fucking fags

  7. Wow you all are fucking stupid and I fucking wish our government would stop handing money out for religion. The bible is a fictional booj of bullshit was raised catholic and dont believe any of the religious bullshit on this planet. May all you faithful fall. Oh yeah and isnt it the job of god to judge not you dumbfucks

  8. i masterbate 37 times a day and smoke about 10 blunts and fist my asshole while i watch david bowie masterbate and then i come on my toes and lick it off then shit it out and eat it again.

  9. Brothers and Sisters.

    Shall we not forget that this filthy alien masturbator was also responsible for the death of Mayor Tom, Mayor of the little town of New Echternach in North Virginia. Because Mayor Tom had left behind that sinful life of a masturbator end walked the path of the light of God, that Davy BowB4me masturbator sent and intergalactic message “Ground patrol in Mayor Tom” over and over again. Mayor Tom would still be one of us if it was only one or two members of that masturbator organisation, Ground Patrol, but he had to deal with all of them.

    Brother Niddy

  10. Shut up brother nidwin this is a bunch more of garbage, David Bowie makes some good ass music, better than the hallelujah bullshit you listen to

  11. I get that this website is probably satirical, but even entertaining the thought that there are people like this in the world makes me lose hope for humanity.

  12. Let me tell you a story.
    Freshly fucked, my lady went to the shop. We were hungry, and the only food we had was random hot-dogs and some other shit we really didn’t want to eat. We wanted Cesar salad.

    I sat down remembering our little session of passionate lovemaking (also known as banging our brains out), and an unfortunate event started unfolding in my pants. I could feel my cock growing by the second, and I struggled with all my might to hold back…

    Ok… that was a lie. Not much struggling involved. I just grabbed the little bastard, and had a proper wank. I kept visualizing the sight of my lady`s rippling under the thrusts of my cock as i took her from behind over the kitchen table. It was marvelous! Both the wank and the bang!

    Then i returned to my senses, and figured I would go and have a bit of a read online before she came home with the deliciousness she bought us. Tzatziki… omnomnomnom…

    To my chagrin, I saw a website – the same website i am on now! Apparently masturbating is a sin, and it causes liver cancer?

    “Fuck it… atleast i will die a happy man”, I thought as my lady came through the door.

  13. Nine Foot Nail is straight up devil’s music, and I hope those sinners who listen to it go deaf (mostly angsty tweens). They even have several religion bashing songs…. I don’t understand why people can’t respect Jesus for how much he loves us. Love the lord, or get comfy in the furnace that is hell.

  14. Is this a joke? If so, then this is some hilarious shit! If not, then go fuck yourselves. Oh wait…


  16. Dear Jebus, i prey tht you will help me. last night, my same sex cousin came into my room and we jerked each oter off. i wont lie, i enjoyed it. today, i was diagnosed w/ cancer, autism, and the bad AIDS! HELPS!!!??!

  17. I feel like the hardest thing to buy of this whole article is the idea that David Bowie ever had to masturbate. Dude most likely never passed a day without getting laid from his first album to the grave.

  18. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Don’t say shit that you have no idea what you are talking about. It’s proven that you all are clueless when you don’t even spell other bands right or even come close to what their actual name is. On another note masturbation is a normal part of life you are not harming anyone or hurting yourself in any way. I’m sure almost everyone on this site has done it before. Deal with it and get over it

    • S-A-T-I-R-E.

      I have no problem with the folks who are religious right-wing, conservative, Trump-voting, circle-jerking, slack-jawed hillbillies who think this is the real thing. They write such funny shit! But c’mon, when those of you on the other end of the spectrum think they’re being serious? Good Gawd!

  19. I’m sorry, but David Bowie was a great man.
    This website has got to be, just got to be a joke.
    As a Christian, I masturbate, and I sin. I look upon men as I look upon women, and I am a Christian. This is not Christianity; this website preaches corrupt extremism.
    I am praying for you all.
    With love


  21. I want to let whoever wrote this to take a thorny vine, and stick it up a child’s asshole.

  22. Why do you people care if others masturbate or not? You seem obsessed with masturbation? Get a life and worry about your own actions. There is no heaven or hell, or god . . . And Bowie by the way is a creative genius and is sorely missed by millions around the world.

Comments are closed.