Masturbation Warning: Dear Abby

Jeanne Phillips, who writes the “Dear Abby” column, has come out as a self-rapist and proponent of the Satanic lifestyle as pushed on society by agents of Big Masturbation.

In her latest column, Ms. Phillips comforted a despondent, guilt riddled masturbator, Her advice included the statement, “…masturbation is normal. It is not depraved, a crime, or harmful to your health.” Just look at the filthy advice she gives this poor lost soul in the illustration below. (I won’t even go into the next letter in bold at the bottom of this exhibit.)smn1
The B.L.U.F.F. FaithFact-o-Meter™ has determined that the statements above are completely false. In fact, the statements are vicious lies clearly designed to confuse and mislead our precious youth into making very dangerous and harmful decisions about their bodies which surely will lead to the loss of their immortal souls.

smn3

  • Masturbation is definitely NOT normal. B.L.U.F.F. Research Teams have discovered and coined the term “Normals” to define the state of a saved Caucasian person who has fulfilled the vows contained in the Stop Masturbation Now! Pledge.
  • It is a clear lie to pronounce that masturbators are not depraved. Self-rape IS a CRIME against humanity. If you don’t believe me, go walk down the main center of your town’s busiest street (excluding New York City, Denver, and all of California) during rush hour and start masturbating. You will be whisked off to jail without haste and the presiding judge will not hesitate to convict you of public indecency (depraved behavior.)
  • Masturbation is a gateway to other flesh sin and the health risks are well documented on this webpage and other decent religious media outlets. In addition to surface scratches and sores which may become infected, masturbation leads to cancer, heart disease, asthma, diabetes, pregnancy risks, and a whole wide range of STDs.

Parents of developing minds are urged to boycott publications that run this column and write to this Dear Abby person at the following address, Jeanne Philips, 3701 Sw 12th St, Topeka, KS 66604. Voice your utter outrage over this woman telling the youth of this country Masturbation is “normal,” “not depraved,” and “neither a crime or harmful to health.” What a preposterous statement. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read this.

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Cassidy Pen
About Cassidy Pen 77 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
Contact: Website

19 Comments on Masturbation Warning: Dear Abby

  1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO7SObqef4I

    When the missiles are falling, and the reaper comes calling
    You had better kiss your ass goodbye
    Atomic detonation, mass immolation
    Without a warning, all your memories will die
    So try to relax, face up to the facts
    You'll either die or the fallout will rot you in your tracks
    There'll be no tomorrow, only pain and sorrow
    'Cause our futures in the hands of a raving madman

    They spend all their time building missiles so people die
    What kind of life do you expect for us to live?
    We're angered by fear, because the time is near
    When some lunatic will finally pull the plug
    And forever after, you can hear the laughter
    World's being plastered by an evil bastard
    Exterminating faster, devastating plaster
    Fabulous disaster
    Now you can see, what this all means to me
    When the bomb
    Comes falling
    Down

    Now the reaper has called, but do you have the balls
    To sit there or stand up and fight?
    Try to make a note, it's your right to vote
    To keep these fucking assholes in line
    It will always be the same 'cause they lie in their campaigns
    Promise through their teeth for total world peace
    So we know it's not the truth, they should call Dr.Ruth
    On how to give the people the real big screw

    They spend all their time building missiles so people die
    What kind of life do you expect for us to live?
    We're angered by fear, because the time is near
    When some lunatic will finally pull the plug
    And forever after, you can hear the laughter
    World's being plastered by an evil bastard
    Exterminating faster, devastating plaster
    Fabulous disaster
    Now you can see, what this all means to me
    When the bomb
    Comes falling
    Fall Down

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    • Cliff, this is a family-friendly, Christian netsite.

      Please take your off-topic, tuneless, devil-worshipping death metal somewhere else.

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      • This is thrash: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E90i6IOvQOs This is death: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7j8vUbMmOwM Just for your stupid ignorant mind, LET METAL FLOW, DIO SHALL RULE HEAVEN. \m/ \m/

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        • Ok sorry. Trash metal then. Very apt name for the genre.

          This is the only heavy metal Christians should be allowed to listen to:

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsNhNdnwgZg

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          • Well what about?

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy8xzOIVzNY

            "O God of Earth and Altar,
            Bow down and hear our cry,
            Our earthly rulers falter,
            Our people drift and die,
            The walls of gold entomb us,
            The swords of scorn divide,
            Take not thy thunder from us,
            Take away our pride."
            [G.K. Chesterton: English Hymnal]

            Just a babe in a black abyss,
            No reason for a place like this,
            The walls are cold and souls cry out in pain,
            An easy way for the blind to go,
            A clever path for the fools who know
            The secret of the Hanged Man - the smile of his lips.

            The light of the Blind - you'll see,
            The venom tears my spine,
            The Eyes of the Nile are opening - you'll see.

            She came to me with a serpent's kiss,
            As the Eye of the Sun rose on her lips,
            Moonlight catches silver tears I cry,
            So we lay in a black embrace,
            And the Seed is sown in a holy place
            And I watched, and I waited for the Dawn.

            The light of the Blind - you'll see,
            The venom that tears my spine,
            The Eyes of the Nile are opening - you'll see.

            Go

            Bind all of us together,
            Ablaze with Hope and Free,
            No storm or heavy weather
            Will rock the boat you'll see.
            The time has come to close your eyes
            And still the wind and rain,
            For the one who will be King
            Is the Watcher in the Ring.
            It is You.
            It is You.

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  2. I find this page hilarious. So much work went into this perfect piece of trolling and yet I only found it yesterday. I can't remeber the last time I laughed so much. Thank you, dear trolls, thank you.

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    • What are you even talking about, Franzi? There's nothing funny about warning Caucasians about the perils of masturbatory sin. If you're looking for a cheap laugh or something to giggle with your adolescent friends about, I suggest you seek elsewhere.

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  3. And to think earlier today I received an innocent text from a friend, with an ad for an anti masterbation cross, and then I'm here with you fucking degenerates. All n all, it has been a good day. Thanks for the chuckles.

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  4. Oh god, I can't believe that some people think that this kind of thing is true. The B.L.U.F.F research teams, wow. Thank you people for giving me a good laugh. I haven't laughed so hard in ages. I salute you for giving me this laugh. And for the person who inevitably comments saying that i should "look for a cheap laugh or something to giggle with your adolescent friends about elsewhere." Overly religious people bother me. I only came to this site because i saw a photo about the "anti masturbation cross" and had to see if the site was real or just photoshopped on there as a joke. I actually think that I would've prefered it as a joke site.

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    • You are just jelly because Cliff Burton was a way better bass player than you can ever wish to be. Oh, by the way - you were way better back in the days when you were smoking pot and doing acid (Hawkwind/early (70's) Motorhead) than when you starting doing speed (overrated 80's Motorhead). And when did you become a Christian? Holy crap, dude. Dave Mustaine is bad enough...

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      • To be fair Lemmy is one of my inspirations, the guy who inspired me to use distortion, but he's worse than Dave! And I played with Dave, although he is a better shredder than Kirk, but a far worse person.

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  5. Wow. I really didn't think this site would be real. Is the antimasturbation cross real?? I sincerely hope not. Who ever is behind this is seriously the biggest troll ever. A 'masturbation alert level'??? That's some funny stuff right there

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  6. Masturbation REDUCES heart DISEASES and helps to calm down and reduce the stress which is a cause of many illnesses - ask doctors they will confirm - (as long it is not an exagerated addiction which might cause behaviour problems). Please educate yourself with good information proven by many reseaches (more than 15 if possible because there are pros and cons) before writing public redactions like this one. Seek all opinions (pros and cons) to have a complete opinion of a subject. Don't use poorly-proven information from only one study or only unproven opinions issued from faith only but share well documented information that we cannot oppose because the information is well explained with documented rigourous facts, not faiths.

    Stop disinformation on this site, give your opinions but as opinions, not as facts coming form we-dont-know-where. Thank you. May our god bless you if he exists (no one can prove it exists or don't exist with facts that we can explain by other sensible theories, all theories which are as much valid as the others).

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  7. After seeing this site full of homophobic, racist sad self absorbed secret in the closet masturbating writers the world has clearly reached a new low

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