Ask Lonnie / B.L.U.F.F. / Big Masturbation

Masturbation Warning: Dear Abby

Jeanne Phillips, who writes the “Dear Abby” column, has come out as a self-rapist and proponent of the Satanic lifestyle as pushed on society by agents of Big Masturbation.

In her latest column, Ms. Phillips comforted a despondent, guilt riddled masturbator, Her advice included the statement, “…masturbation is normal. It is not depraved, a crime, or harmful to your health.” Just look at the filthy advice she gives this poor lost soul in the illustration below. (I won’t even go into the next letter in bold at the bottom of this exhibit.)smn1
The B.L.U.F.F. FaithFact-o-Meter™ has determined that the statements above are completely false. In fact, the statements are vicious lies clearly designed to confuse and mislead our precious youth into making very dangerous and harmful decisions about their bodies which surely will lead to the loss of their immortal souls.

smn3

  • Masturbation is definitely NOT normal. B.L.U.F.F. Research Teams have discovered and coined the term “Normals” to define the state of a saved Caucasian person who has fulfilled the vows contained in the Stop Masturbation Now! Pledge.
  • It is a clear lie to pronounce that masturbators are not depraved. Self-rape IS a CRIME against humanity. If you don’t believe me, go walk down the main center of your town’s busiest street (excluding New York City, Denver, and all of California) during rush hour and start masturbating. You will be whisked off to jail without haste and the presiding judge will not hesitate to convict you of public indecency (depraved behavior.)
  • Masturbation is a gateway to other flesh sin and the health risks are well documented on this webpage and other decent religious media outlets. In addition to surface scratches and sores which may become infected, masturbation leads to cancer, heart disease, asthma, diabetes, pregnancy risks, and a whole wide range of STDs.

Parents of developing minds are urged to boycott publications that run this column and write to this Dear Abby person at the following address, Jeanne Philips, 3701 Sw 12th St, Topeka, KS 66604. Voice your utter outrage over this woman telling the youth of this country Masturbation is “normal,” “not depraved,” and “neither a crime or harmful to health.” What a preposterous statement. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read this.

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Jenna KminiArtyom M. NikoleyhvRicky RickCliff Burton Recent comment authors
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Cliff Burton
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Cliff Burton

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO7SObqef4I When the missiles are falling, and the reaper comes calling You had better kiss your ass goodbye Atomic detonation, mass immolation Without a warning, all your memories will die So try to relax, face up to the facts You’ll either die or the fallout will rot you in your tracks There’ll be no tomorrow, only pain and sorrow ‘Cause our futures in the hands of a raving madman They spend all their time building missiles so people die What kind of life do you expect for us to live? We’re angered by fear, because the time is near When… Read more »

Pekoe Baggins
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Pekoe Baggins

Cliff, this is a family-friendly, Christian netsite.

Please take your off-topic, tuneless, devil-worshipping death metal somewhere else.

Cliff Burton
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Cliff Burton

This is thrash: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E90i6IOvQOs This is death: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7j8vUbMmOwM Just for your stupid ignorant mind, LET METAL FLOW, DIO SHALL RULE HEAVEN. \m/ \m/

Pekoe Baggins
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Pekoe Baggins

Ok sorry. Trash metal then. Very apt name for the genre.

This is the only heavy metal Christians should be allowed to listen to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsNhNdnwgZg

Cliff Burton
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Cliff Burton

Well what about? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy8xzOIVzNY “O God of Earth and Altar, Bow down and hear our cry, Our earthly rulers falter, Our people drift and die, The walls of gold entomb us, The swords of scorn divide, Take not thy thunder from us, Take away our pride.” [G.K. Chesterton: English Hymnal] Just a babe in a black abyss, No reason for a place like this, The walls are cold and souls cry out in pain, An easy way for the blind to go, A clever path for the fools who know The secret of the Hanged Man – the smile of… Read more »

Artyom M. Nikoleyhv
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Artyom M. Nikoleyhv
Franzi
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Franzi

I find this page hilarious. So much work went into this perfect piece of trolling and yet I only found it yesterday. I can’t remeber the last time I laughed so much. Thank you, dear trolls, thank you.

Cliff Burton
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Cliff Burton

Zetro does not approve.

chrispy
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chrispy

And to think earlier today I received an innocent text from a friend, with an ad for an anti masterbation cross, and then I’m here with you fucking degenerates. All n all, it has been a good day. Thanks for the chuckles.

Overly religious people are annoying
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Overly religious people are annoying

Oh god, I can’t believe that some people think that this kind of thing is true. The B.L.U.F.F research teams, wow. Thank you people for giving me a good laugh. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages. I salute you for giving me this laugh. And for the person who inevitably comments saying that i should “look for a cheap laugh or something to giggle with your adolescent friends about elsewhere.” Overly religious people bother me. I only came to this site because i saw a photo about the “anti masturbation cross” and had to see if the site was… Read more »

Liam McKey
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I cannot believe all of the satanic hymns that Cliff keeps posting. What a hell-bound loser.

Gandalf
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Gandalf

You are just jelly because Cliff Burton was a way better bass player than you can ever wish to be. Oh, by the way – you were way better back in the days when you were smoking pot and doing acid (Hawkwind/early (70’s) Motorhead) than when you starting doing speed (overrated 80’s Motorhead). And when did you become a Christian? Holy crap, dude. Dave Mustaine is bad enough…

Cliff Burton
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Cliff Burton

To be fair Lemmy is one of my inspirations, the guy who inspired me to use distortion, but he’s worse than Dave! And I played with Dave, although he is a better shredder than Kirk, but a far worse person.

A
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A

Wow. I really didn’t think this site would be real. Is the antimasturbation cross real?? I sincerely hope not. Who ever is behind this is seriously the biggest troll ever. A ‘masturbation alert level’??? That’s some funny stuff right there

Ricky Rick
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Ricky Rick

Masturbation REDUCES heart DISEASES and helps to calm down and reduce the stress which is a cause of many illnesses – ask doctors they will confirm – (as long it is not an exagerated addiction which might cause behaviour problems). Please educate yourself with good information proven by many reseaches (more than 15 if possible because there are pros and cons) before writing public redactions like this one. Seek all opinions (pros and cons) to have a complete opinion of a subject. Don’t use poorly-proven information from only one study or only unproven opinions issued from faith only but share… Read more »

mini
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mini

After seeing this site full of homophobic, racist sad self absorbed secret in the closet masturbating writers the world has clearly reached a new low

Jenna K
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This is sad