Pioneers In Anti-Masturbation, Episode One

John Harvey Kellogg, American Hero of Anti-Masturbation

John Harvey Kellogg, respected anti-masturbationist, sane and regulated Normal.

Preventing masturbation is a cause that has been championed throughout history by many great normals. Among the outstanding members of this fraternity of morality and decency, one man stuck out like a sore-thumb, and eventually, rose to become the cream of the crop of medical anti-masturbation. I speak of none other than; Dr John Harvey Kellogg.

Though a reputed vegetarianist (And therefore, most likely, a dendrophiliac.) and a member of a liberal cult of Sevens Days Adamantistes, he was also a Normal, who hated masturbation, and thus, used all manner of quackery available at the time (Of which there was a vertible cornicopia of plethora of quackery and gadgetry available, as it as 1900 A.D.) to control the unsavory acts of digestion, expulsion, and sexual desires with incredible rates of success. Soon forming a sanitarium in Battle Creek Michigan, he sought to rid the globe of self-rape and abnormal bowel movements once and for all.

After almost eliminating all unscheduled waste functions of everyone in a 175 mile radius of his sanitarium, a vision from Pantheistic God (Satan, or an hallucination. ) told Dr. Kellogg to create the ultimate non-masturbatory food, with the highest enema potential of all time. He then sequestered himself in his barn with 100lbs of feed-corn for 18 months, and neither eating nor sleeping, created what we now know as “Kellogg’s Corn Flakes” breakfast cereal.

However, the cereal was not to be ingested with milk, but rather, with sandy-river water, or common sand, as to aid in dental fortitude and anus strength, then believed to be the core most important strength a body could have. His product, was the first of his many, many failures, the others of which, we shall never speak of. Never.

Dr Kellogg’s evil compulsive masturbator brother Chrisheely Kellogg, became jealous of his righteous brother’s glory, and between bouts of his own shame, concocted a scheme to make ” Dr Kellogg’s Corn Regulatory Anti-Stimulus Tooth Building Meal Flakes ” into a palatable, and thus, appealing to sinners product.

Satan then danced and his evil essence infused the wicked, black hearts of the sinners to purchase the newly-stolen product now named “Corn Flakes” en-mass, ruining Dr Kellogg’s sales. In an attempt at retribution, Dr Kellogg had the box printing company ” We-Printz-Mad-Boxez-Yo” place a giant green rooster on the boxes, instead of the trademarked “Happy-Devil”, it being 1900, and the reference of a green rooster thus being an obvious reference to the chronic masturbation of his treacherous brother. However, very few people knew Chrisheely Kellogg, and did not understand the reference. “Corn Flakes” and “Cornelius Rooster” would go on to become nation icons of shame and deceit.

Even though the masturbation symbolism is obvious to us today, in the ancient 20th century, no one understood what this could possibly mean.
Even though the masturbation symbolism is obvious to us today, in the ancient 20th century, no one understood what this could possibly mean.

Later, Dr Kellogg founded Post Cereal Company, and created Grape Nuts, a cereal made of wheat and pumice, but it received mixed reviews, as it still does to this day, and is intolerable in most food situations.

Though certainly wholesome and anti-masturbatory, Grape-Nuts has failed to catch on after 132 years as it is mostly gravel.
Though certainly wholesome and anti-masturbatory, Grape-Nuts has failed to catch on after 132 years as it is mostly gravel.

Dr Kellogg soldiered on, and died at the ripe age of very old man, and continued his Sanitarium, inventing many of SMN’s current washing-machine engine-based anti-masturbation machines.

This six-stroke engine, invented by J.H Kellogg, is the core power-source of such modern SMN Ministries equipment such as Faithtron 700 V2.2.
This six-stroke engine, invented by J.H Kellogg, is the core power-source of such modern SMN Ministries equipment such as Faithtron 700 V2.2.

Chrisheely Kellogg is thought to have spit on the USA flag, joined the Illuminati, and had congress with Satan, before becoming lost at sea in his own gold-fish pond in 1931.

We-Pritnz-Mad-Boxes-Yo and Kellogg’s Cereal company would later go on to become Monsanto Company, our lord and leader, next to Lonnie Childs.

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

9 Comments on Pioneers In Anti-Masturbation, Episode One

    • It’s too bad they didn’t film Dr. Kellogg’s story when Humphrey Bogart was still alive. Bogart would have been majestic serving wheat and pumice Grape Nuts to Lauren Bacall or Spencer Tracy. Just imagine Bogart confronting Peter Lorre and ordering Lorre to stop fapping. Anthony Hopkins could never have pulled that off!

  1. The commercials all say that Kelloggs Raisin Bran helps keep you regular. But I think we all know it helps keep us normal. Praise!

  2. Praise quackery! The term has been so often maligned in the LIEberal media, because they fear its effectiveness in preventative masturbation medicine. Little known FaithFact: quackery got its name from ducks, as they are one of the few animals species who do not have arms extending to the genitals and, thus, cannot masturbate. Like God and Lonnie, ducks are immutably holy. They are incapable of sinning! Quackery helps masturbation patients get as close to this blessed state of sinlessness as possible!

  3. Yes! Praise these great Saved Normals! I wish I could be saved, but alas, I am a lowly, self-rapist, and this is very unlikely.

Comments are closed.