Mark Sergeant, a senior lecturer in psychology at Nottingham Trent University, stated recently that a masturbation break would be “very effective at work” and a “great way to relieve tension and stress.”
Psychologist and life coach Dr. Cliff Arnall agreed. “I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling,” he told Metro. “Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus.”
Sergeant and Arnall’s supposition come after a recent survey by Time Out New York found 39 percent of male readers reported masturbating in the office, after an earlier poll by Glamour in 2012 put that figure at 31 percent of workers.
To Jill Harisson, however, this new push by liberal feminists and democrats has a darker side – and it’s name is “bastard child.”
Tuesday, Jill became lightheaded at work, and made a call to her doctor to get a check up and see what the problem was. After a series of tests, her doctor came back with the answer – Jill was pregnant, and it looks like a dirty toilet seat may be the father.
“To be honest, I didn’t know what to think. I haven’t had sex in years – I’m a born again christian. But we have these new “neutral gender” bathrooms at work for confused people, and I just wasn’t thinking. Someone obviously masturbated before I used the toilet, and it looks like I sat in the wrong place.”
Since there are more than 250 employees in the building, and policy restricts employees from assuming gender, JIll feels it is almost impossible for her to determine just who the father is. “I don’t know what to do. I’m not married – how can I have this child? I don’t want to be a single mom in her 20’s, raising a bastard child. What if it’s black?”
A call to Human Resources failed to obtain a response, and Jill Harisson is back at work, trying to pick up the pieces of a broken spirit and a ruined career. “I was up for middle management soon. No way they’re gonna hire a single mother to run the late shift. No way.”