For immediate release:
“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour. The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed. The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George Soros to increase their contributions to overthrow “Tina’s Law”. We will not cede these hard fought victories to the LIEberals not now or ever but we need your help.
Please send us 30% of your net income as a tithe and you are guaranteed entrance into Heaven in death and your skin color will lighten while on Earth. Now we here at STOP Masturbation NOW ministries understand these are difficult times and, thanks to Obama, money is tight and women can drive and vote. In the spirit of helping our fellow man I am offering salvation to those who purchase items from our STOP Masturbation NOW shopping Cafe Press Netsite. The money spent will go towards our fight against Big Masturbation and keep me in the lifestyle my wives and I have grown accustomed to. For a small fee you can proudly proclaim your dedication to a self-celibate lifestyle and make the world a better place. Praise!
God bless some of you.
Dr. Lonald “Lonnie” Childs
You may purchase our fine products using the netlink below. Bless!