Won’t You Please Help?

The battle against Satan, LIEberals and Big Masturbation isn't cheap

For immediate release:

“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed.  The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George Soros to increase their contributions to overthrow “Tina’s Law”.  We will not cede these hard fought victories to the LIEberals not now or ever but we need your help.

Please send us 30% of your net income as a tithe and you are guaranteed entrance into Heaven in death and your skin color will lighten while on Earth.  Now we here at STOP Masturbation NOW ministries understand these are difficult times and, thanks to Obama, money is tight and women can drive and vote.  In the spirit of helping our fellow man I am offering salvation to those who purchase items from our STOP Masturbation NOW shopping Cafe Press Netsite.  The money spent will go towards our fight against Big Masturbation and keep me in the lifestyle my wives and I have grown accustomed to.  For a small fee you can proudly proclaim your dedication to a self-celibate lifestyle and make the world a better place.  Praise!

God bless some of you.

Dr. Lonald “Lonnie” Childs

You may purchase our fine products using the netlink below.  Bless!


About Carlos Danger 18 Articles
Staunch anti-masturbation Christian soldier and former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan until I learned the dangers of secular music. Brother Lonnie saved me from a life of homoerotic servitude in which I was paid with food items from McDonald's value menu. I co-founded Christians Overcoming Carnal Knowledge (or COCK) to help former homogays test their firm commitment to a heterosexual lifestyle. I enjoy Gladiator movies, Top Gun and Christian fellowship with Latino men.

18 Comments on Won’t You Please Help?

    • We are deadly serious about stopping self-rape. Salvation can be yours for only the price of a t-shirt. Praise!

  1. This would be my last visit, but before I go, I would like to say this:

    My suspicions of this netsite have now been confirmed. I have never encountered anyone begging for money like this since my little encounter with that welfare nigra on that little street corner. If you were true conservatives, and noble Christian Capitalists like our blue-eyed, blonde haired, light skinned master Jesus Christ, you would not have to beg for money like this. The invisible hand of the free market (the hand of Jesus), would be able to solve all your financial problems.

    I’m sorry, but I am a thrifty Christian. I will not be sending a single cent your way. Get a real job, hippies! False Christians!

  2. Argentinian Man Masturbates 83 Times In 24 Hour Period – New World Record

    October 19, 2013 by Jimmy Rustling Leave a Comment

    Crowds gather and celebrate in the city of La Falda as a new record for masturbation has been achieved.

    La Falda, Argentina — Residents of a small town in Argentina are celebrating today as one of their own citizens has become the new record holder in the field of masturbation. From 8pm Thursday evening until 8pm Friday night, 22-year-old Hugo Lopez from the city of La Falda masturbated a total of 83 times. This new feat breaks the previous record set by a Thailand man last year.

    Lopez spoke to CNN about achieving the new record. “Growing up I practiced all the time and took it very seriously. I knew one day my hard work would pay off.”

  3. the manipulation of lesser minds is truly an art that I cannot believe you would stoop so low just for a few more sales. Betraying your god by blatantly lying to your customers is a incredible sin. And why does lighter skin make you more christian? God’s people had dark skin from spending such a long time in the desert.

  4. The people who don’t understand that this is completely sarcastic and satirical need to be lobotomized.

  5. You said you’ll get me into heaven and give me lighter skin if I give you %30 of my income.So if I give you %30 of my income you’ll get me into heaven? What if I sell drugs and give you %30 of that?or what if I’m a hit man and give you %30 of that income? Don’t say things like that! You mislead and confuse people which is serious. To get into heaven you have to be a good person period.

  6. I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. I’d wait for the flames to die out,& then rub salt in the wounds you lying scumbags

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