Marine Planned Parenthood Performs First Successful Whale Abortion

September 19, 2014 14

(STOP MASTURBATION NOW NEWS) — Today, Friday September 19, 2014, most American’s are joyously celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day. But for the Marine Wildlife Preserve in San Francisco California today was a day to celebrate a victory. The first successful Baleen Whale abortion.

Faithless human Americans of questionable moral aptitude, having been forcing the notion that a mother has the right to “choose” to kill her unborn child. In Florida, a state known to be the Australia of the US, […]

Masturbating Teen Dies After Jellyfish Attack

September 16, 2014 49

A Florida man is dead after being swarmed by box jellyfish in the waters off of Apollo Beach over the weekend. Tampa Bay authorities have identified the man, Martin Robertson, 18, of South Tampa and have confirmed he was alone at the time of the attack. Initially it was unknown what caused the swarm of box jellyfish to attack Robertson, but further examination showed traces of semen on and around the area where Robertson’s body was pulled from the sea.

“It […]

A New Species Of Human By 2050? Here’s The Faith Science…

September 12, 2014 9

“We will see a new species of human, or sub-human rather, by 2050 if things progress at current rates.” That’s a pretty shocking claim from Faith Scientist Dr. Ian Norton, but Dr. Norton backs up this claim with decades of evidence he and other faith researchers have compiled to prove masturbation is changing humanity at its core.  Norton’s research claims that the life span of the normal, non-masturbating male will increase significantly over the next 35 years, while the life […]

Foreigners Create Dead Cat Kamikazie Drones

September 8, 2014 12

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Foreigners suck, they really do. They only hate us and with to crash flying things into us. The Chinese did it at Pearl Harbor, the Arabs did it to us in 9/11, and now the Europeans are turning dead cats into killer suicide bombers. Most people would feel incredibly sad if their cat was run over and killed, and eventually they might consider adopting another kitty. Dutch artist Bart Jansen mourned his departed feline, Orville, a different way: by stuffing […]

Blue Whale Poulation Rebound As Sperm Whales Are Destroyed

September 6, 2014 3

The Oceans and Seas (SMNNN)

Tea-drinking Englishes say in a recent report by the Queen (or whoever rules the islands of Englishes), that the global population of Blue Whales has rebounded over the last 20 years as Sperm Whale extermination continues.

This young Blue Whale kitten will grow up in a hopefully better, Sperm Whale free ocean.

Whaling, long touted as barbarism, and a well-know source of cheap oil and ambergris, has been widely outlawed by the entire world. However, Japanesers from the […]

15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God

September 5, 2014 16

A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, causing severe damage to his right arm and pubis. He was quickly hospitalized, and the ducks were apprehended, but later released when God told the Sheriff it was his […]

How to “Rescue” your dog from Masturbation

August 10, 2014 20

We all know that masturbation advocates claim that Masturbation is “natural” and they back-up that claim by saying that Animals do it. This statement is false, to a certain degree. Most animals do not masturbate, as it is a completely unnatural act. Unfortunately, some animals do masturbate. These same animals also: eat their own feces, kill children, sniff crotches, make loud noises, throw their own feces, have sex with inanimate objects, and so on….

Like with human masturbators, animal masturbators are […]

Godzilla: A Documentary Displaying the Dangers of Self Rape

May 18, 2014 3

(StopMasturbationNOW)—After nuclear power was proven 100 percent safe, Godzilla producers needed to find another more realistic causation for a creature like Godzilla to exist. Masturbation was the only thing that fit from a scientific point of view.

This weekend I had the opportunity to view this Documentary and I was pleasantly surprised. The theater was fairly clean and the floor was not sticky. Also the temperature seemed just about right. If anything maybe one degree too warm.

Once the movie started it […]

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