Youth Pastor Announces that Masturbation is Healthy and Does Not Make You Gay, Church Burns to Ground

June 9, 2017 13

Cason, TX is a small community, barely on the map and tucked deep inside NE Texas among pine trees and red clay earth. Proud people live there – good people of God, quick to lend a hand when help is needed and slow to change as the world passes them by.

On May 29th, all of that changed. What happened that day to cause such a horrific act of nature? Was it a sign from God, as many residents now whisper […]

Harambe is Slang for Male Masturbation

September 12, 2016 17

Dear Lonnie,

My 13 Year-old son wants to buy a Harambe t shirt. I asked him what it meant and he had trouble explaining it to me. It sounds kind of ethnic? Can you provide any guidance?

Patricia Hunt



Thank you for writing. You are right to worry. Harambe is secret slang for male masturbation. People will post or write “penis out for Harambe”. This is then taken as a sign to masturbate. Harambe is an ancient black word meaning “black sin pole”. It has […]

How many Gold Medals Would Tim Tebow Win if he was at the Olympics?

August 9, 2016 8

Dear Lonnie, how many medals would Tim Tebow win if he was at the Olympics?

Bart Tanner 13


Well Bart, the easy answer of course would be all of them. Laughing Out Loud! But seriously, it is a great question and involves a lot of thought. As a hypothetical question we need to make some assumptions.

Assumption number 1. We will limit this to individual sports to rule out variables in teammate play.

Assumption number 2. We will rule out medals in sports that […]

Is Your Daughter Paying for a Facial?

October 13, 2015 19

(StopMasturbationNOW)—This week we have a question from a loyal follower and father.


“Hi, my daughter just went away to college and I see that she has a weekly cash withdrawal out of her account every Friday for $40 cash. I asked her about it and she said it’s for her “Friday facial”. I did a web search and I was shocked at the images and videos I found. What should I do?“ Brian Dailey


Thank you for writing Brian. Unfortunately, in today’s […]

Should Sexy Education be Taught in Schools?

October 11, 2015 4

Loyal follower and staunch non-masturbator, Paul Stanley, asks:

“Lonnie, should sex education be taught in public schools?”

Thank you for the question, Paul. Obviously the answer is “no”. For the past few decades, publicly schooled American children have fallen far behind their dastardly Oriental counterparts in scholarly subjects such as science, math and U.S. History. Do we really need to pollute their minds with masturbation lessons? America has been inching closer and closer to the embrace of Satan ever since secular politicians […]

Masturbation Warning: Dear Abby

July 29, 2015 19

Jeanne Phillips, who writes the “Dear Abby” column, has come out as a self-rapist and proponent of the Satanic lifestyle as pushed on society by agents of Big Masturbation.

In her latest column, Ms. Phillips comforted a despondent, guilt riddled masturbator, Her advice included the statement, “…masturbation is normal. It is not depraved, a crime, or harmful to your health.” Just look at the filthy advice she gives this poor lost soul in the illustration below. (I won’t even go into […]

Help: I Masturbated at a College Slumber Party

May 21, 2015 15

Dear Lonnie:

I have a question/confession I would like to reveal. I’m not sure how best to start so here it goes; my friends and I were having the usual college girl sleepover. A couple drinks into the sleepover somehow my friends and I started comparing breast size. Now, I should have said in the beginning my family are very disciplined non-masturbators. It’s just not done in my house nor talked about. So this was all new to me. Anyways, the […]

Do Masturbators go to Heaven?

March 13, 2015 31

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Dear Lonnie, I was wondering if masturbators were allowed into heaven? I’m not talking about people who have masturbated in the past but repented and are saved, I am asking about the ones who think self-rape is okay.

Thank you, Chuck Powell



Thanks for writing, no.



If anyone has any questions for Lonnie Childs please use the contact us link which can be found at the bottom of the page. You too may be featured in a ask Lonnie