Bill Cosby Credited with Striking-Down California’s Statute of Limitations on Self-Rape

October 1, 2016 7

Sometimes we have heroes among us and sometimes they are in Hollywood.  Earlier this week, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a monumental bill into law, for which many people credit Bill Cosby for making an idea, a reality.

In July of 2015, SMN reported the case of a woman who accused famed hip-hop comedy star Bill Cosby of rape. As our investigation unfolded, we learned that the accuser had actually self-raped while watching the television show “Picture Page,” staring Bill Cosby. Our […]

Sign Our Petition to Get American Actor Hugh Jackman to Change His Offensive Name

September 14, 2016 61

(StopMasturbationNOW)—This is a reminder that we need more signatures to force American actor Hugh Jackman to change his offensive name. As of noon 6/12/2015 we have had 753,252 signatures which is over 75% of the needed one million required to force a name change.

Our children are bombarded with anti family values messages everyday and the last thing we parents need to worry about is the name of an actor appearing subliminally in movie credits.

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Self-Rape Alert: Deadpool

March 14, 2016 12

SMN Safford, AZ-The tireless duty of Christian Parents to prevent and punish the vile sin of masturbation has become much harder (pardon the pun) since the opening of the box office smash, Deadpool in local theaters.

A disturbing parental alert has been issued by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the anti-masturbation in media arm of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.).

“Overt and disgusting” Self Rape Content has been uncovered earning the film a FAPMILF color […]

David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

January 11, 2016 49

ENGLAND, PROBABLY, MAYBE SCOTLAND (SMNNN)

Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old.

Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when he fell to Earth and immediately began befouling himself. His terrible masturbation fueled howls were soon recorded by some awful person, and through obvious Satanism, were placed “on the air”, which then […]

BLUFF Calls for a Boycott of the New Star Wars Movie

January 5, 2016 15

Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (BLUFF), along with the N.A.A.W.P., has announced a boycott and will schedule protests of the new Star Wars movie on the grounds that it discriminates against Self Celibate Normals.

In a press release issued by the B.L.U.F.F. Legal Action Foundation (BLUFF-LAF), Brother Lonnie Childs’ words were made public:

“We at BLUFF have announced a boycott of the new Star Wars Movie.

“Strange and peculiar skin toned individuals, who by definition self rape frequently and with tremendous vigour, are […]

83 Signs Your Underage Daughter is a Harlot

January 5, 2016 12

[Special thanks to Larry Thomas for his contribution to this sacred undertaking]

Ever wondered if your daughter was a harlot? Now you can know! According to recently updated BDSM-5 (Biblical Diagnostics of Sinogenic Maladies) guidelines, if a pubescent female between the ages of 12 – 17 meets at least six of the following criteria, a diagnosis of raging harlotry is likely. While I always recommend evaluation by a professional (preferably me), a parent (preferably male) who is sufficiently intrusive and insensitive will typically spot […]

Hollywood Bad Boy Charlie Sheen Reveals That He Has the HIV-AIDS!

December 21, 2015 4

Hollyweird, CA – Hollywood bad boy Charlie Sheen, star of the homosexual situation-comedy program Two and 1/2 Half Man, announced that he has been punished by God for masturbating and has been cursed with the HIV-AIDS.  Those who have been monitoring Sheen’s masturbatory practices are not surprised by the news.

“Chuck was the first major success story for the SMN ministries self-celibacy/Normalcy program which he completed with flying colors, transforming himself from the pathetic masturbating Mexican named Carlos Irwin Estevez into the swashbuckling Caucasian hero named Charlie Sheen.” explained Lonnie Childs, founder and prophet of STOP Masturbation NOW […]

Fappy Sentenced To Eight Years Imprisonment

December 2, 2015 9

SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

Paul Horner, the man inside the Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin furry mascot suit has been sentenced to eight years in federal prison following his arrest for accosting sea-animals at Sea World aquarium.

Saul Reubenstein, Horner’s attorney says they tried really hard, but the evidence against Paul Horner was far too damning. ” We thought we were gonna get him off,  Scott-free, but a new high-definition video taken by bystander Doug Pinnick, clearly shows him inserting his (censored) into a […]

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

October 28, 2015 6

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to separate themselves from the cancer which had overtaken their homeland and worship the Judeo-Christian deity in peace and freedom, unmolested by their liberal countrymen who forced their godless agenda deep […]

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