Lonnie Childs Cleared as Suspect in Brutal Murder

June 9, 2017 6

SAFFORD, Ariz. – The FBI is now involved in the case of a murdered Lonvidian woman, found dead in her home early Tuesday morning. Safford police confirmed they are no longer considering Lonnie Childs to be a suspect in the case, and detectives have moved on to other suspects.

“There’s no such thing as typical,” said Sergeant Tim Wachinski with Safford police. “Every case is different depending on the nature of the case and circumstances surrounding it. In the beginning, given […]

Ohio Housewife Admits to Being Just as Stupid as We Told Her She Was

February 2, 2017 9

Sarah Jenkins is a frequent visitor to our Facebook page, and often makes offensive comments about Lonvidians in multiple posts throughout the day. Many of our members have tried to explain to her how she is ruining her life and family by masturbating – even damning her soul to hell – but up until this Monday, our warnings have fallen on deaf ears.

“It was as if a light went off in my head – I felt the power of Jesus, […]

Stop Masturbation Satellite Hacked: Now Distributing Gay Porn

January 20, 2016 8

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Last week was a feel good moment for us here at StopMasturbationNOW. We had just launched our first satellite the Childs1 into space. Unfortunately, less than one week into service hackers have taken over the satellite and are now using it to distribute interracial gay porn.

The satellite… childs1 was sent up into space to broadcast our anti masturbation message to the masses as well as do experiments, unfortunately the pro masturbation hacker known as Obamalover69 has commandeered the satellite and […]

Fappy Sentenced To Eight Years Imprisonment

December 2, 2015 9


Paul Horner, the man inside the Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin furry mascot suit has been sentenced to eight years in federal prison following his arrest for accosting sea-animals at Sea World aquarium.

Saul Reubenstein, Horner’s attorney says they tried really hard, but the evidence against Paul Horner was far too damning. ” We thought we were gonna get him off,  Scott-free, but a new high-definition video taken by bystander Doug Pinnick, clearly shows him inserting his (censored) into a […]

Save Not Shame! It’s what Lonnie Would Do.

November 17, 2015 1


During these tumultuous times, vicious rumors, and terrible evil seem to have befallen us all, which, is no doubt, the fault of masturbators ruining the Earth as the make themselves pawns to the sick, evil, plans of Satan.

But recently, we have all had to make sacrifices, and changes within our lives. Be it being beaten severely for destroying priceless religious artifacts, a diesel power station, befouling the well, burning Lonnie’s guest house, award-winning, mint-condition 1987 Buick Grand Sport and […]

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

October 28, 2015 6

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to separate themselves from the cancer which had overtaken their homeland and worship the Judeo-Christian deity in peace and freedom, unmolested by their liberal countrymen who forced their godless agenda deep […]

Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

August 28, 2015 9

As the fallout of the Ashley Madison masturbation scandal reaches its climax it’s to be expected the LIEberal elements of the netsites would try to tarnish Brother Lonnie’s saintly visage with tawdry claims that his e-mail account was among the millions exposed by hackers.  The notorious lesbian netsite hacker known simply as “Salazar” has claimed that she found a suspicious e-mail address among the millions released from Ashley Madison internal servers.  The e-mail address in question is NOTlonniechilds6969@stopmasturbationnow.org.  In a […]

Annual 4 Corners Mass-Wedding Ceremony Set for September

August 24, 2015 10


Have you ever dreamed of participating in a mass-wedding ceremony performed by your favorite alternative religious leader?  What about joining, in holy matrimony, with four of your same-race assigned spouses at the same time?  If so, you will be glad to know that SMN Ministries has the Annual “4-Points Marriage Marathon” planned, set and ready to go on September 1st.

Just mere miles northeast of the SMN compound in Safford, Arizona, lies the “four corners” national monument.  Four Corners is where […]

Are All Internet Trolls Masturbators?

May 29, 2015 5


Workers at the B.L.U.F.F Campound and Uranium Mines in Safford, Arizona announced today that they have proven that all internet trolls are horrible, Godless, masturbating, heathens.

In an exhausting study of internets around the globe, a 16 year inquiry finally ended with the unfortunate suicide of Kalden Ross, lead internet troll investigator. Kalden, who was killed by impalement, left behind a very detailed audio record of analysis of his team’s findings during the last decade and a half:

” […]

Lonnie Childs Releases 10 Point Plan to Address Compound Overcrowding

April 21, 2015 3

(StopMasturbationNOW)—The following is a release from Dr Lonnie Childs to the SMN fellowship…


Greetings my friends. It is hard to believe we are already one third through 2015. These have been difficult yet promising times. The world has never seen so much evil and danger, yet those same evils and dangers have been sending people to us at an unprecedented rate. We are growing! Unfortunately we are also getting a little overcrowded. Our Safford Compound is a 110% capacity and our new […]

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