Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

April 20, 2015 11

Superbowl winning superstar quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, Tim Tebow has been convicted of first degree murder and sentence to life without parole.  Brother Lonnie has called for the public to withhold judgment until all the facts are known.  In his statement Brother Lonnie cautioned against judging God’s favorite white American quarterback and warned that Tebow’s anti-masturbation stance and moral upbringing have long made him a target of Big Masturbation.  The full statement can be found below.

“I have prayed long […]

MASTURBATOR REFORMED

March 20, 2015 6

ISLAND MEXICO (SMNNN)

Often, we here at Stop Masturbation Now Ministries are asked just how successful are we at converting heathen, self-rapist, foreigners into useful, upstanding, God-fearing, productive members of society. Today, we lambast the nay-sayers, and sinning unbelievers, who mock us so readily, and often, with the masturbatory drivel, that irritates and sickens me so, that I have to strip naked, and run into the woods… but I digress, as I seem to have run astray of the point. We […]

Miracle: Lonnie’s Celestial Intervention Prevents Parishioner From Self-Raping!

February 12, 2015 8

A miracle has occurred this week, as Stop Masturbation Now founder and American Hero, Lonnie Childs, has intervened to save the immortal soul of a parishioner known simply as ‘Thomas’. ‘Thomas’ was asleep in bed when a miracle sent by Lonnie Childs awakened him in order to alert ‘Thomas’ to the fact that his hands had found their way beneath the covers. The ruining of ‘Thomas’s’ bed was a small price to pay for being spared from the most selfish […]

Introducing Brother Lonnie’s Approved Prosthetic Limbs For Masturbatory Amputees

January 11, 2015 20

In a world where masturbation has run rampant, more and more people are having their arms or hands amputated due to masturbation injuries and diseases. While we do not approve of the activities that self-rapists involve themselves in, we do still care about the human species and the blacks, so Brother Lonnie has invented some amazing prosthetic limbs for people who lost their limbs as a result of masturbation. This will be our first of many advertisements for […]

Brother Lonnie Approves New Program For Converted Homogays

December 23, 2014 10

As a former homogay I spend many a restless night thinking back on my past lascivious lifestyle while praying long and hard to fight the temptations to return to the homogay cabal. After fifteen minutes of rest I begin praying long and hard again. As I was gripped in the throes of feverish, sweaty prayer I realized there was a way to fight the urges and test my commitment to Christ and Brother Lonnie’s teachings.

Brother Lonnie in his infinite wisdom […]

Win a Stop Masturbation Now AR-15 Rifle!

September 20, 2014 11

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Did you know Stop Masturbation Now Ministries Inc. is GIVING AWAY a fully semi-automatic AR-15 assault rifle? Yes! For a limited time, you can enter the official SMN Rifle Raffle to win a brand new high-tech tactical Armalite AR assault gun!

 

This Colt AK-15 assault submachine rifle carbine is the most popular sporting firearm in America! It is guaranteed to provide you and your loved ones with hours of fun on the firing

Also included: the shoulder thing that goes […]

BLUFF Librarian Publishes Book, Library Burns To The Ground

August 30, 2014 11

Stafford, AZ – The Lonnie Childs Private Library, operated and managed by Alicia Stephenhopper, has burned to the ground under suspicious circumstances. The state of the art facility, offering the latest dial-up internet access and dozens of books and publications to the members of the BLUFF compound, will be closed indefinitely pending a decision by the Normal Council of Men to rebuild the facility.

“I honestly don’t know who would do this. I’m just heartbroken about the whole thing. […]

Staunch Anti-Masturbation Ally Turns Normal

August 9, 2014 8

It’s easy to get discouraged in the fight against masturbation.  Big Masturbation and its allies for years have been undermining the moral fabric of this country through the schools, Hollywood, the LIEberal media and sports.  Today marks a turning point in our struggle.

International black baseballing super star Sammy Sosa has recently revealed the secret to his touchdown prowess.  While other players were injecting their bodies with all manner of filth in order to gain a competitive advantage, Brother Sammy used […]

Brother Lonnie’s Ethnic Community Outreach

August 1, 2014 11

There’s been a lot of hateful and just plain wrong comments directed at this holy netsite and Brother Lonnie in particular regarding baseless claims of racism. I am shocked, hurt, outraged, appalled and shocked by these unfounded and libelous claims. Brother Lonnie’s favorite secular show was “Good Times” so he’s well aware of the plight of our non-normal brothers and sisters and loves all God’s children no matter their skin color be it black, brown, yellow or normal. Below is […]

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