Youth Pastor Announces that Masturbation is Healthy and Does Not Make You Gay, Church Burns to Ground

June 9, 2017 10

Cason, TX is a small community, barely on the map and tucked deep inside NE Texas among pine trees and red clay earth. Proud people live there – good people of God, quick to lend a hand when help is needed and slow to change as the world passes them by.

On May 29th, all of that changed. What happened that day to cause such a horrific act of nature? Was it a sign from God, as many residents now whisper […]

FACES OF MASTURBATION SERIES, SUCCESS STORIES: “Michael J.”

February 17, 2016 11

“Michael J.” was once a ferocious self-rapist as evidenced in his “before” photo.  Note the vacant eyes, the grotesquely bulbous nose, the self-righteous smirk and the anti-establishment afro hairstyle.  Michael was just another hell-bound masturbator, destined to spend eternity as Satan’s personal sock puppet.  Look at him NOW!  After meeting Lonnie Childs and taking the STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy, Michael’s soul is as clean and pure as his skin!  It’s a non-masturbation miracle!  Praise!  Where before Michael was […]

Australian Man Marries Hand in Secret Ceremony

January 20, 2016 3

One’s own hand may, sadly to some, become known as a lonely man’s only friend, but one Australian has taken his self love to an entirely new level by marrying his cherished appendage.

According to the Down Under Times, Joe Grosser wed his hand, which he named, “Honey,” under a withered tree in the Queensland town of Wombatia. The groom donned a formal suit while the “bride” wore a decorative glove with an attached flowing veil-like string.

Grosser’s friends and family attended […]

David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

January 11, 2016 49

ENGLAND, PROBABLY, MAYBE SCOTLAND (SMNNN)

Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old.

Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when he fell to Earth and immediately began befouling himself. His terrible masturbation fueled howls were soon recorded by some awful person, and through obvious Satanism, were placed “on the air”, which then […]

The Faces of Masturbation: “Reginald D.”

October 16, 2015 7

The heartbreaking story of “Reginald D.” is a classic case of an individual who self-raped so often and so vigorously that he eventually became bored with his own sin-scepter and chose to become a hardcore homosexual in order to experience the thrill of new ones.  He is now known throughout the homosexual community by his codename, “Rocket Man”, for reasons which I will not detail here (this is a family-friendly netsite).

Someone needs to save his life tonight, and that “Someone” […]

THE FACES OF MASTURBATION: “THOMAS Y.”

September 22, 2015 13

Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences become apparent. Witness this lost soul, who we will call “Thomas Y.”, who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all times. If you encounter anyone who displays these symptoms DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HAND. If you must, offer a polite, sin-free fist bump and quickly excuse yourself and alert your […]

Why are People Masturbating While Watching The Walking Dead?

June 25, 2015 13

(StopMasturbationNOW)—One of the most popular television shows this decade has been The Walking Dead. It is a show about a rag tag group of survivors fighting their way through a post-apocalyptic world.  The show seems innocent enough, however our data shows a marked increase in masturbation and masturbation related activities when people view this Showtime television program.

Thanks to a federal grant from the Foundation For a Better Tomorrow we analyzed all the episodes to look for masturbation related content and […]

Five of the Worst Places to Masturbate

June 5, 2015 11

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation is bad anywhere but sometimes you have to question the mental state of even masturbators. We get hundreds of letters per week from our followers offering support, donations, requesting help, and lots of stories. Well, here are five stories about masturbators poor choices concerning location and timing of masturbation.

 

The Wedding Night
I had just married the girl of my dreams that day, we had abstained from sexual intercourse and I had been excited about my wedding night. Well eventually that […]

Are You Wiener Warrior or Slave to your Weiner? Interactive Quiz

April 9, 2015 26

(StopMasturbationNOW)—We find that there are two types of people in this world. Those who control their urges, don’t masturbate, and therefore lead happy productive healthy lives. Then there are those who live to serve their penis, ones who constantly need to touch it in a cycle of shame, insecurity, dependency, depression and disease.

Do you know which one you are? Take our quiz to determine if you are a wiener warrior or slave to your wiener?

Welcome to your Stop Masturbation Now […]

Is Your Wife, Daughter, or Gay Son Masturbating With Household Items?

April 1, 2015 13

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation in a home can be a most dangerous thing. Besides the obvious physical dangers you are also inviting Satan to live with you. Well fathers, you need to be on the lookout, wives daughters and the gays are self-raping with household items.

As items such as hair curlers, baby toys and even your tools can be inserted into the anus or vagina for reasons of sinpleasure.

Take a look at just some of the items we found:

Why is this happening? […]

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