“Michael J.” was once a ferocious self-rapist as evidenced in his “before” photo. Note the vacant eyes, the grotesquely bulbous nose, the self-righteous smirk and the anti-establishment afro hairstyle. Michael was just another hell-bound masturbator, destined to spend eternity as Satan’s personal sock puppet. Look at him NOW! After meeting Lonnie Childs and taking the STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy, Michael’s soul is as clean and pure as his skin! It’s a non-masturbation miracle! Praise! Where before Michael was […]
One’s own hand may, sadly to some, become known as a lonely man’s only friend, but one Australian has taken his self love to an entirely new level by marrying his cherished appendage.
According to the Down Under Times, Joe Grosser wed his hand, which he named, “Honey,” under a withered tree in the Queensland town of Wombatia. The groom donned a formal suit while the “bride” wore a decorative glove with an attached flowing veil-like string.
Grosser’s friends and family attended […]
ENGLAND, PROBABLY, MAYBE SCOTLAND (SMNNN)
Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old.
Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when he fell to Earth and immediately began befouling himself. His terrible masturbation fueled howls were soon recorded by some awful person, and through obvious Satanism, were placed “on the air”, which then […]
The heartbreaking story of “Reginald D.” is a classic case of an individual who self-raped so often and so vigorously that he eventually became bored with his own sin-scepter and chose to become a hardcore homosexual in order to experience the thrill of new ones. He is now known throughout the homosexual community by his codename, “Rocket Man”, for reasons which I will not detail here (this is a family-friendly netsite).
Someone needs to save his life tonight, and that “Someone” […]
Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences become apparent. Witness this lost soul, who we will call “Thomas Y.”, who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all times. If you encounter anyone who displays these symptoms DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HAND. If you must, offer a polite, sin-free fist bump and quickly excuse yourself and alert your […]
(StopMasturbationNOW)—One of the most popular television shows this decade has been The Walking Dead. It is a show about a rag tag group of survivors fighting their way through a post-apocalyptic world. The show seems innocent enough, however our data shows a marked increase in masturbation and masturbation related activities when people view this Showtime television program.
Thanks to a federal grant from the Foundation For a Better Tomorrow we analyzed all the episodes to look for masturbation related content and […]
(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation is bad anywhere but sometimes you have to question the mental state of even masturbators. We get hundreds of letters per week from our followers offering support, donations, requesting help, and lots of stories. Well, here are five stories about masturbators poor choices concerning location and timing of masturbation.
The Wedding Night
I had just married the girl of my dreams that day, we had abstained from sexual intercourse and I had been excited about my wedding night. Well eventually that […]
(StopMasturbationNOW)—We find that there are two types of people in this world. Those who control their urges, don’t masturbate, and therefore lead happy productive healthy lives. Then there are those who live to serve their penis, ones who constantly need to touch it in a cycle of shame, insecurity, dependency, depression and disease.
Do you know which one you are? Take our quiz to determine if you are a wiener warrior or slave to your wiener?
Welcome to your Stop Masturbation Now […]
(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation in a home can be a most dangerous thing. Besides the obvious physical dangers you are also inviting Satan to live with you. Well fathers, you need to be on the lookout, wives daughters and the gays are self-raping with household items.
As items such as hair curlers, baby toys and even your tools can be inserted into the anus or vagina for reasons of sinpleasure.
Take a look at just some of the items we found:
Why is this happening? […]
ISLAND MEXICO (SMNNN)
Often, we here at Stop Masturbation Now Ministries are asked just how successful are we at converting heathen, self-rapist, foreigners into useful, upstanding, God-fearing, productive members of society. Today, we lambast the nay-sayers, and sinning unbelievers, who mock us so readily, and often, with the masturbatory drivel, that irritates and sickens me so, that I have to strip naked, and run into the woods… but I digress, as I seem to have run astray of the point. We […]