One Woman’s Trash, Area Man’s Treasure

January 25, 2017 5

Joe Harris, like many other residents of Safford, has been struggling for years to keep his business afloat during the Obama administration. What he needed, he always felt, was a mascot for his restaurant to set him apart from all the others. He never thought, however, that dream would become a reality thanks to the careless actions of feminist lesbians.

Walking through the streets of Safford after the protest this weekend, Joe saw something strange among the discarded signs and tampons […]

Family Unknowingly Sleeps in Hotel with Remnants of Self-Rape in Drawer

November 23, 2016 3

TEXARKANA – Bad room service was the least of the worries a family of four were forced to deal with after a semen stained rag was found stuffed into a Gideon’s Bible in the drawer of their room.

The Texarkana Times reports the parents had noticed a foul smell in their room at the Hotel Benavidez in Texarkana.

The family, whose name will not be revealed, returned from a functioning lunch when the maternal parent discovered a faint almond odor when entering […]

A Young Girl’s Dilemma – Ask Cassidy

August 24, 2016 18

Dear, Cassidy.

I’m a 14 year-old girl attending Hickory Woods Middle School in Clydesdale, IL. There’s a creepy boy named Marty Swanson who wears baggy pants, a collar shirt, and has dirty beady eyes. He’s always slurping, wiping at his face, and making strange intestinal sounds in school. In my English class, he sits right behind me and his manners are becoming very irritating.

But that’s not why I’m writing to you for advice. Before we were supposed to line up for […]

Youth Caught Self Raping

June 23, 2016 64

When Dana Pridemore of Evanston, IL climbed the stairs of her family’s two-story suburban home to  retire for the evening, all she had on her mind was her Harper’s Magazine and a few segments of the Tonight Show before turning in.

She visited her daughter Sarah, who at the tender age of eleven, had never failed the SMN Finger Sniff. Tonight was no different. Sarah’s fingers were clean and fresh smelling. There were no signs of vaginal syrup or pungent odor to […]

SMN Ministries Celebrates 1,000th Funeral Protested

March 30, 2016 3

We all know there is no better way to warn people about an eternity in hell then when death is staring them in the face. There is nowhere where this opportunity presents itself better than at a funeral.  At these events you will find: the corpse of a dead person, family members hoping to get rich off of the inheritance, and various other onlookers such as friends, neighbors, and creeps.

Last weekend marked the 1,000th funeral “attended” by members of the […]

Is an Absent Father to Blame for Masturbation?

January 15, 2016 10

How would you feel without the love of your father?

The rise of feminism in the US has encouraged many women to become single-parents. In these families, the only contribution the father makes is in the form of child-support payments.  While only 20% of the child-support payment goes towards the child itself, the mother hits a “Pay Day” with the remaining 80%. Thus, the rise of boutique coffee shops in the U.S. and online shoe stores.

But what about the child? Does […]

83 Signs Your Underage Daughter is a Harlot

January 5, 2016 11

[Special thanks to Larry Thomas for his contribution to this sacred undertaking]

Ever wondered if your daughter was a harlot? Now you can know! According to recently updated BDSM-5 (Biblical Diagnostics of Sinogenic Maladies) guidelines, if a pubescent female between the ages of 12 – 17 meets at least six of the following criteria, a diagnosis of raging harlotry is likely. While I always recommend evaluation by a professional (preferably me), a parent (preferably male) who is sufficiently intrusive and insensitive will typically spot […]

Halloween vs Jesus Ween

October 30, 2015 8

For more information about Halloween visit:
For more information about Jesus Ween visit:

Original post found at Save Portland From

Help: My College Roommate Masturbates While Looking at Me

September 15, 2015 14

Dear Lonnie,
I recently started my first year of college and am sharing a dorm room. Its the first time I have ever shared a room with someone long term. It has only been about four weeks now but every night she masturbates, sometimes 2-3 times a night. It started the third night after we moved in, I heard some noises and some rustling and then some heavy breathing. I didn’t turn to look but eventually I heard some moaning and […]

Masturbators Cause Cucumber Recall in California

September 8, 2015 4

Our friends at Fox News have reported on a “salmonella outbreak” that has caused the recall of cucumbers in California. While it is true that there has been a mass recall of the unfortunately shaped vegetable in the state, the Big Masturbation media handlers have once again covered up the actual cause of the concern.

“Cucumbers are the number one problem vegetable for female masturbation,” explains Faith Scientist Brother Werner Crawford. “Many people likely assume things like carrots or bananas are […]

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