Save Not Shame! It’s what Lonnie Would Do.

November 17, 2015 1

EDITORIAL (SMNNN)

During these tumultuous times, vicious rumors, and terrible evil seem to have befallen us all, which, is no doubt, the fault of masturbators ruining the Earth as the make themselves pawns to the sick, evil, plans of Satan.

But recently, we have all had to make sacrifices, and changes within our lives. Be it being beaten severely for destroying priceless religious artifacts, a diesel power station, befouling the well, burning Lonnie’s guest house, award-winning, mint-condition 1987 Buick Grand Sport and […]

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

November 14, 2015 15

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW!

The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who don’t have the advantages afforded to God’s preferred and most loved white children. It is already hard enough to reach these children of masturbaters before it’s too without Horner’s extracurricular activities […]

Christian Anti-Masturbation’s Mascot Arrested For Public Masturbation After Accepting Award

February 10, 2015 4

Tybee Island, GA — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group was arrested yesterday for masturbating in public. The mascot along with his organization, Stop Masturbation Now, recently finished a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour which they claim focused on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is 36-year-old Paul Horner, was arrested outside Tybee Vacation Rentals located in the Tybee Islands […]

Mom Calls 911 On Masturbating Teenage Son; Boy Arrested, Charged With New ‘Self-Rape’ State Law

November 25, 2014 24

An Arizona teenager is being charged and held without bail, facing 3-15 years in prison over a new ‘self-rape’ state law implemented by AZ Gov. Jan Brewer last month. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Phoenix, AZ — A Phoenix boy is behind bars tonight after his mother called 9-1-1 when she found her son in his room, watching pornography and masturbating. Phoenix Police were quick to respond, arresting 15-year-old Paul Horner, who attends North Valley High School in Phoenix, Arizona. […]

2014 Fappy Award for Best Sports Radio Show Goes to Dan Le Batard

October 22, 2014 0

(Stop Masturbation Now)—Free and open radio is an often overlooked part of Americana, a thing that makes America better than its socialist neighbors. However, even in today’s liberal culture, occasionally a radio program rises above the rest to shine. Today we would like to honor the Dan Le Batard show on ESPN radio with the 2014 Fappy award for best sports radio show.

Dan Le Batard

 

Dan Le Batard is a shining star on an otherwise ridiculous lineup of radio shows. Mike […]

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin To Star In The Big Lebowski 2 Which Begins Filming In January 2015

October 10, 2014 4

The Big Lebowski 2 has been announced starring Jeff Bridges, John Goodman and Bill Murray.

Hollywood, CA — Exciting news for Big Lebowski fans around the world as a sequel to the cult classic has just been announced.

Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, directors of the first Lebowski movie, confirmed with E! Online they will both be returning to direct the sequel.

“We’re thrilled to be coming back to film a second part to this classic movie,” Ethan Coen said. “For years we’ve […]

Faith and Drug Adminstration (FDA) Approves New Masturbation Cessation Aid Masturbutrin®!

September 9, 2014 7

In the race to end masturbation, medical interventions are nothing new. Since the late 1930s, electroconvulsive therapy has been a mainstay of practitioners who love righteousness and hate sin (Shalavin, 2013). But homogays and masturbators still run rampant, threatening our children and our grandparents. In the 19th-century, the English-speaking world (normals) began routinely circumcising male infants in a well-intentioned, but failed attempt to curb masturbation. They should have known better. After all, the Jews have been practicing circumcision for millennia, […]

Christian Anti-Masturbation Group Sues Other Christian Anti-Masturbation Group For $350 Million Claiming Trademark Infringement

August 6, 2014 14

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here at Westview Elementary School in Apple Valley, Minnesota while on his 31-city nationwide anti-masturbation school tour. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Creve Coeur, MO — A federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization claims that another federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization has violated their intellectual property and is now suing for millions.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and their parent organization Stop Masturbation Now have accused Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Shark of using the same name of their famous […]

“A Team Effort to Stop Self-Rape!”

July 16, 2014 9

For Immediate Release – (Safford, AZ) – In 2015, efforts to educate parents and young girls on the dangers of self-rape will take a giant leap forward. Teaming up with the Girl Scouts of the USA, Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin will become the “unofficial mascot” for Girl Scout Cookies. Sponsored by Monsanto, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW focus on educating children about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods.

Mrs. Parisi, CCO of […]

Monsanto and B.L.U.F.F To Create Actual Fappy Mascot

July 10, 2014 9

SAFFORD-ARIZONA (SMNNN)

Brother Dr. Skippy Enis, B.L.U.F.F liaison to Monsanto Company announced today that the huge multi-national poison, tasty food, and G.M.O, super corporation, has begun production of the first human/dolphin chimera.

The x-rays of the Growthpod ™ look promising.

Says Dr. Enis, ” Brother Lonnie Childs himself, and his personal attache Doug Pinnick, have been in talks for many years with Monsanto Company regarding this project. Long ago, it was decided that the possibility of a human wearing a furry dolphin suit […]

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