Self-Celibacy in History: Dunkirk

March 6, 2017 13

History books are most certainly slanted by the forces of Big Masturbation. In modern times, it’s a literal crime that our precious youth must be forced to incorporate horrible inaccuracies and filth interjected from the pages of their history books onto their faces. It is because of this that the SMN Ministries has begun a series of revisions to these fables to correct inaccuracies using historically based FaithFacts™.

The period after the fall of Poland and before the Nazi Blitzkreeg of […]

Marijuana, Ellis Dee and Masturbation: “Free Love” 1960s San Francisco Was Ground Zero For Sin

April 9, 2016 3

San Francisco, CA – STOP Masturbation NOW faith scientists, in conjunction with your tax dollars, have spent the last three years attempting to pinpoint exactly when and where masturbation was first invented.  We are happy to report that the $645,000 federally-funded project has conclusively determined that masturbation was invented in San Francisco, California, sometime between 1964 and 1969.

The Greatful Dead, a collective of San Francisco’s most useless people

As we all know, God considers self-rape to be the ultimate sin.  One […]

Jesus And The First Anti-Masturbation Cross®

March 25, 2016 32

This Easter as you enjoy quality time with your same-race family, it is important that you remember the reason for the season.  Reflect upon the sacrifice that Jesus made for us all by allowing Himself to die a painful, humiliating death nailed to the first Anti-Masturbation Cross® in order to forgive mankind of our sins.

Jesus was the only perfect human being to ever walk the Earth.  As such, He never engaged in the sin of self-rape.  I challenge any of the […]

Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

November 18, 2015 3


Brother Lonnie Childs revealed today, that God himself, in all his Godly splendor and wisdom, decreed unto Brother Lonnie the command to augment the traditional Ten Commandments, and replace them throughout the Christian world with the New Eleven Commandments.

The Eleven Commandments remain largely unchanged save for the new First Commandment: Thou Shall Not Masturbate.

Brother Lonnie also calls for unanimous acceptance of this new Eleven Commandments in public and educational systems throughout the world.

” There’s no ifs, […]

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

October 28, 2015 6

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to separate themselves from the cancer which had overtaken their homeland and worship the Judeo-Christian deity in peace and freedom, unmolested by their liberal countrymen who forced their godless agenda deep […]

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

October 12, 2015 38

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by intolerant White LIEberals to erase Teepee Indians from our culture by renaming the Washington Redskins, Brother Lonnie has decided it is time for America to own up to it’s treatment […]

Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Diogo Dias Cortérro

July 20, 2015 1

Diogo Dias Cortérro


A Spirited man of a rock-solid Christian foundation, Diogo Dias Cortérro was much more than an explorer during the Age of European Expansion. Cortérro was born in Vigo, Spain to a devout couple within the moral confines of wedlock (1460). His early years were spent in work and study, always with his hands far away from his pubic serpent and always with one slightly wind-dampened eye looking West toward the vast sea dreaming of one day sailing […]

A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

July 13, 2015 21


Ever since the Oriental race was first domesticated by man, the female of the species has proven herself an excellent companion to her male better, attending to his needs for a negligible fee and enduring psychological and bodily torments Western women have long since spurned, though it is their biblical duty to patiently abide them. While harmless in captivity, female Orientals can be extremely dangerous if encountered in the wild. As the once-steady trickle of Oriental immigrants has exploded into a raging torrent […]

Lonnie Childs tells South Carolina “Tear Down That Flag”!

June 22, 2015 2

(StopMasturbationNOW)—After the tragic events in South Carolina last week, the nation has been in mourning and fixated on racially charged topics including that of the Confederate flag.

This weekend SMN industries Leader and founder Dr. Lonnie Childs spoke to audiences at several stops in South Carolina. “The Civil war was not about slavery, It was about federalism vs states rights at the time, however it is now only about slavery as the winners wrote the history books” Dr. Childs spoke to a […]

Lonnie Childs Apologizes to German People for American Interference in WW2

June 8, 2015 15

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Sometimes the United States has elected the wrong people and they have done the wrong thing. This weekend in a speech in Munich Germany, SMN industries founder and Leader Lonnie Childs apologized to the German people for Americas interfering with German goals in WW2. “America is a great friend to the German people, unfortunately Franklin Roosevelt was serving and under a diminished mental capacity and overreacted after Pearl Harbor. The Orientals should have been the target of our wrath and response […]

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