Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

November 18, 2015 3

B.L.U.F.F CAMPOUND, SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

Brother Lonnie Childs revealed today, that God himself, in all his Godly splendor and wisdom, decreed unto Brother Lonnie the command to augment the traditional Ten Commandments, and replace them throughout the Christian world with the New Eleven Commandments.

The Eleven Commandments remain largely unchanged save for the new First Commandment: Thou Shall Not Masturbate.

Brother Lonnie also calls for unanimous acceptance of this new Eleven Commandments in public and educational systems throughout the world.

” There’s no ifs, […]

Save Not Shame! It’s what Lonnie Would Do.

November 17, 2015 1

EDITORIAL (SMNNN)

During these tumultuous times, vicious rumors, and terrible evil seem to have befallen us all, which, is no doubt, the fault of masturbators ruining the Earth as the make themselves pawns to the sick, evil, plans of Satan.

But recently, we have all had to make sacrifices, and changes within our lives. Be it being beaten severely for destroying priceless religious artifacts, a diesel power station, befouling the well, burning Lonnie’s guest house, award-winning, mint-condition 1987 Buick Grand Sport and […]

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

November 14, 2015 15

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW!

The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who don’t have the advantages afforded to God’s preferred and most loved white children. It is already hard enough to reach these children of masturbaters before it’s too without Horner’s extracurricular activities […]

Top Five Self-Rape Detterents

November 13, 2015 6

B.L.U.F.F RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT, SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

Even though the STOP masturbation NOW Ministries are busy fighting heathens, non-Normals, heretics, Big Masturbation, and Common sLIEnce, we can’t be there to help everyone beat off Satan all the time. As such, we have devoted a huge amount of resources and over $500,000 USD to compiling a list of the top deterrents of masturbation, that you too, can use at home and abroad, or whenever the need to curtail self-rape becomes duly necessary […]

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

October 12, 2015 38

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by intolerant White LIEberals to erase Teepee Indians from our culture by renaming the Washington Redskins, Brother Lonnie has decided it is time for America to own up to it’s treatment […]

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

September 14, 2015 0

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how terrible conditions are on Earth right now.

“Pope Francis just finally had enough,” explains Brother Dylan Stout of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “We got a direct call into the […]

Won’t You Please Help?

September 2, 2015 15

For immediate release:

“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed.  The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George […]

Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

August 28, 2015 9

As the fallout of the Ashley Madison masturbation scandal reaches its climax it’s to be expected the LIEberal elements of the netsites would try to tarnish Brother Lonnie’s saintly visage with tawdry claims that his e-mail account was among the millions exposed by hackers.  The notorious lesbian netsite hacker known simply as “Salazar” has claimed that she found a suspicious e-mail address among the millions released from Ashley Madison internal servers.  The e-mail address in question is NOTlonniechilds6969@stopmasturbationnow.org.  In a […]

Annual 4 Corners Mass-Wedding Ceremony Set for September

August 24, 2015 8

 

Have you ever dreamed of participating in a mass-wedding ceremony performed by your favorite alternative religious leader?  What about joining, in holy matrimony, with four of your same-race assigned spouses at the same time?  If so, you will be glad to know that SMN Ministries has the Annual “4-Points Marriage Marathon” planned, set and ready to go on September 1st.

Just mere miles northeast of the SMN compound in Safford, Arizona, lies the “four corners” national monument.  Four Corners is where […]

Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

August 18, 2015 3

By now you’ve probably already seen the news that former sandwich icon, Jared Fogle, of the famed Subway fast food chain is about to plead guilty to allegations that he possessed illegal child pornography. Prior to this revelation, Fogle had been mum about his level of guilt in the Jared Foundation pornography sweep by federal agents. However, sources inside Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts have revealed that a sit down with Lonnie Childs is what convinced Fogle to admit […]

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