Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

October 28, 2015 6

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to separate themselves from the cancer which had overtaken their homeland and worship the Judeo-Christian deity in peace and freedom, unmolested by their liberal countrymen who forced their godless agenda deep […]

Won’t You Please Help?

September 2, 2015 14

For immediate release:

“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed.  The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George […]

A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

July 13, 2015 21

 

Ever since the Oriental race was first domesticated by man, the female of the species has proven herself an excellent companion to her male better, attending to his needs for a negligible fee and enduring psychological and bodily torments Western women have long since spurned, though it is their biblical duty to patiently abide them. While harmless in captivity, female Orientals can be extremely dangerous if encountered in the wild. As the once-steady trickle of Oriental immigrants has exploded into a raging torrent […]

Does Masturbation Hurt your Credit Score?

May 21, 2015 11

(StopMasturbationNOW)—A good credit score can be a major factor in your quality of life. Anything from home ownership to the quality of spouse you attract is directly tied to your FICO score.

Many things affect your credit score. How much you make, your gender, your payment history, your debt to income ratio, your race, how long you have been employed, and yes, whether or not you masturbate.

What does masturbation have to do with my credit score?

Well at first there may not […]

Is it Time to Thank Lonnie for Lower Gasoline Prices?

February 10, 2015 7

(StopMasturbationNow)—About a year ago, our illustrious leader Lonnie had to fill his truck up at the gasoline pump after handing out pamphlets outside a local high school volleyball game.  His the total was over one hundred dollars for the first time in his life. Now Lonnie isn’t about to go waste money on a modern aluminum electric car, he likes his 73’ dodge. It gets 13 miles to the gallon and that’s what it got when he bought it. […]

Study: Masturbation is Directly Related to Lower Wages

October 21, 2014 18

(Stop Masturbation Now)—A new study just released by the foundation for a better tomorrow shows a direct correlation between masturbation and lower wages in America. A two year federally funded study of six thousand Americans across various races, ages and genders was completed in which they looked at average wages verses frequency of masturbation.

“We went into it expecting we would see some correlation, but even in our wildest dreams we would have never expected such an effect” Remarked Julian Taylor, […]

Bill Gates Donates $1 Million To Gun Control; $2 Million To Tina’s Law

August 27, 2014 4

American Billionaire and sometimes computer whiz kid, Bill Gates, shocked second amendment advocates when he donated $1 million (SMD) to a Washington State campaign to expand background checks on gun sales. The Gates family’s disturbing anti-Bill of Rights donation was negated moments later when Gates donated $2 million (USD) to a committee to get Tina’s Law passed in Washington State.

Tina’s Law, as our staff writer Carlos Danger explains, “makes masturbation illegal and sets up a ‘Council of Morality’ appointed by Brother Lonnie to […]

Christian Anti-Masturbation Group Sues Other Christian Anti-Masturbation Group For $350 Million Claiming Trademark Infringement

August 6, 2014 14

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here at Westview Elementary School in Apple Valley, Minnesota while on his 31-city nationwide anti-masturbation school tour. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Creve Coeur, MO — A federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization claims that another federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization has violated their intellectual property and is now suing for millions.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and their parent organization Stop Masturbation Now have accused Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Shark of using the same name of their famous […]

New Big Masturbation Sin Device (Video!)

July 21, 2014 12

B.L.U.F.F. — Big Masturbation has released a horrifying new masturbation device in the guise of exercise equipment. Please protect your children by reporting and picketing the stores that are selling this device.

WARNING: THIS VIDEO CONTAINS HORRIFYING DISPLAYS OF SIN AND SODOMY. PLEASE REMOVE WOMEN, CHILDREN, AND OTHER WEAK-MINDED INDIVIDUALS BEFORE VIEWING AND PLEASE MONITOR THE VOLUME ON YOUR

Hobby Lobby Employee Sues Over Right to Masturbate

July 20, 2014 14

 

A Coral Gables, Florida woman is suing her employer, Hobby Lobby, over their refusal to supply her with what she considers “birth control.”

Linda Ferno, a seven year employee at the Coral Gables location of Hobby Lobby was hoping that her employer’s contribution to her government mandated health insurance policy would include masturbation supplies. To her dismay, it did not.

Upon realizing this, she filed a complaint with the company’s Human Resources Department, only to find out that Hobby Lobby does not […]

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