SMN Ministries Announces Boycott and Protest of Masturbation Movie “A Cure For Wellness”

February 8, 2017 4

“And when the LORD saw it, he abhorred them, because of the provoking of his sons, and of his daughters.” — Deut 32.19

In an expected move, SMN Ministries has announced its intention to protest the newest release from Regency Enterprises.

A Cure for Wellness is Hollywood’s newest Big Masturbation indoctrination. Presenting itself as a “psychological thriller,” the film is nothing more than an exposé of smut and debased sex.

The Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the anti-masturbation in […]

David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

January 11, 2016 47

ENGLAND, PROBABLY, MAYBE SCOTLAND (SMNNN)

Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old.

Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when he fell to Earth and immediately began befouling himself. His terrible masturbation fueled howls were soon recorded by some awful person, and through obvious Satanism, were placed “on the air”, which then […]

Self-Purity: The Newest Teenage Fad?

January 6, 2016 10

It seems like every generation is more confused than the generation before it. In the 50’s it was “cool” to wear poodle skirts and comb your hair. In the 60’s, it was “hip” to dress like a homeless person and avoid soapy water while the sexual revolution introduced masturbation into the known world. The 70’s had everyone dancing to Freddie Mercury, lead singer of the Village People, while having sex in the YMCA. The 80’s gave us the first unscrambled […]

83 Signs Your Underage Daughter is a Harlot

January 5, 2016 11

[Special thanks to Larry Thomas for his contribution to this sacred undertaking]

Ever wondered if your daughter was a harlot? Now you can know! According to recently updated BDSM-5 (Biblical Diagnostics of Sinogenic Maladies) guidelines, if a pubescent female between the ages of 12 – 17 meets at least six of the following criteria, a diagnosis of raging harlotry is likely. While I always recommend evaluation by a professional (preferably me), a parent (preferably male) who is sufficiently intrusive and insensitive will typically spot […]

Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

November 18, 2015 3

B.L.U.F.F CAMPOUND, SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

Brother Lonnie Childs revealed today, that God himself, in all his Godly splendor and wisdom, decreed unto Brother Lonnie the command to augment the traditional Ten Commandments, and replace them throughout the Christian world with the New Eleven Commandments.

The Eleven Commandments remain largely unchanged save for the new First Commandment: Thou Shall Not Masturbate.

Brother Lonnie also calls for unanimous acceptance of this new Eleven Commandments in public and educational systems throughout the world.

” There’s no ifs, […]

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

November 14, 2015 14

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW!

The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who don’t have the advantages afforded to God’s preferred and most loved white children. It is already hard enough to reach these children of masturbaters before it’s too without Horner’s extracurricular activities […]

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

October 28, 2015 6

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to separate themselves from the cancer which had overtaken their homeland and worship the Judeo-Christian deity in peace and freedom, unmolested by their liberal countrymen who forced their godless agenda deep […]

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

October 12, 2015 38

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by intolerant White LIEberals to erase Teepee Indians from our culture by renaming the Washington Redskins, Brother Lonnie has decided it is time for America to own up to it’s treatment […]

Won’t You Please Help?

September 2, 2015 15

For immediate release:

“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed.  The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George […]

Annual 4 Corners Mass-Wedding Ceremony Set for September

August 24, 2015 8

 

Have you ever dreamed of participating in a mass-wedding ceremony performed by your favorite alternative religious leader?  What about joining, in holy matrimony, with four of your same-race assigned spouses at the same time?  If so, you will be glad to know that SMN Ministries has the Annual “4-Points Marriage Marathon” planned, set and ready to go on September 1st.

Just mere miles northeast of the SMN compound in Safford, Arizona, lies the “four corners” national monument.  Four Corners is where […]

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