Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

February 5, 2017 10

President Trump confirms he is about to authorize a “ban” on masturbators migration, new restrictions on entry from countries with a history of masturbation.

“It’s countries that have tremendous self-rape,” Trump told SMN News in his first Skype interview as president. “And it’s countries that people are going to cum and cause us tremendous problems.”

After a weekend conference with SMN Chairman, Lonald Childs, the Trump team is poised to suspend refugee and visa programs as applied to many self-rape countries, including […]

Can a Trump Tebow Presidential Ticket Deliver a 50 State Landslide

June 17, 2016 2

(StopMasturbationNOW)—President Trump is headed to a easy victory this coming November, however he has one last task to make sure that victory is absolute and turned into a mandate from the people. That one thing to do is to pick a running mate. A running mate is probably one of the most important decisions a candidate can make. And even though President trump has it so locked up that even Obama is deferring to Trump before making decisions he still […]

Ted Cruz Trying to Sway the Anti-Masturbation Vote Away From Trump

April 15, 2016 2

Ever since SMN Ministries founder and overall spiritual leader Lonnie Childs declared his endorsement for GOP frontrunner Donald Trump, Texas senator Ted Cruz has been lobbying the Anti-Masturbation community for their support, directly.

Senator Cruz has repeatedly brought-up his 2004 efforts as Solicitor General of Texas to ban the sale of sex toys in Texas as his way of gaining ground on the Trump campaign’s stranglehold on this key Republican demographic.  The Texas Senator’s rhetoric has intensified after Trump’s famous public […]

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

November 14, 2015 17

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW!

The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who don’t have the advantages afforded to God’s preferred and most loved white children. It is already hard enough to reach these children of masturbaters before it’s too without Horner’s extracurricular activities […]

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

October 28, 2015 6

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to separate themselves from the cancer which had overtaken their homeland and worship the Judeo-Christian deity in peace and freedom, unmolested by their liberal countrymen who forced their godless agenda deep […]

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

October 12, 2015 38

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by intolerant White LIEberals to erase Teepee Indians from our culture by renaming the Washington Redskins, Brother Lonnie has decided it is time for America to own up to it’s treatment […]

Won’t You Please Help?

September 2, 2015 18

For immediate release:

“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed.  The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George […]

A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

July 13, 2015 21

 

Ever since the Oriental race was first domesticated by man, the female of the species has proven herself an excellent companion to her male better, attending to his needs for a negligible fee and enduring psychological and bodily torments Western women have long since spurned, though it is their biblical duty to patiently abide them. While harmless in captivity, female Orientals can be extremely dangerous if encountered in the wild. As the once-steady trickle of Oriental immigrants has exploded into a raging torrent […]

What Liberals Actually Believe Will Astonish You

June 4, 2015 4

(StopMaturbationNOW)—Liberals pretend to hold the moral high ground when it comes to facts. They point at evolution, the earth not being flat, and even climate change and laugh at conservatives. However it turns out that liberals themselves are the ones that have the fairy tale beliefs. The foundation for a better tomorrow conducted a survey of 5000 people who met three criteria, they self-identify as liberal, a democrat, and voted for Obama last election.

 

Which company is the more socially-conscious one […]

Forced Masturbation of the Handicapped is a Real Thing (Video Proof)

June 2, 2015 6

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation is a top ten cause of disease and also destroys American Family Values. Almost as much as making people gay liberals love to make people masturbate, whether it be television shows like Modern Family or movies like the Avengers, masturbation is everywhere.

Usually its the innocent that make the worst victims of this forced liberalism of America. Liberals target the ones who they cant force to choose to be liberal. How do they do this? By physical force.

We received video proof of […]

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