Faith Scientists: Masturbation causes Tzatziki Virus

June 23, 2016 12

(StopMasturbationNOW)—One of this year’s hottest topics has been the dreaded Tzatziki Virus. Pronounced “Zeekah” the virus has received extra attention due to the Olympics being held in the largest Mexican territory of Brazil this year.

A breakthrough has occurred as Faith Scientists discovered this week the origins of the virus. According to faith scientist Norah McCabe who works for the Childs institute “when we looked at blood cells the normal cell has RNA genome genes that encode seven nonstructural proteins and […]

Archeologists find Ancient Anti-Masturbation Glove

January 25, 2016 6

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Archeologists from the Wyoming institute of Technology discovered evidence of an ancient society that was obviously ant-masturbation. Digging in the foothills of the Crimea, a team of 12 men found a metal glove designed to prevent masturbation.

Female Anti-Masturbation Archeologist

“I think they have found evidence of what may be the first anti masturbation society” Said Lonnie Childs “Think of what paradise the world would have been if the world would have followed their teaching”

“The glove is a left one” said […]

Stop Masturbation Satellite Hacked: Now Distributing Gay Porn

January 20, 2016 8

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Last week was a feel good moment for us here at StopMasturbationNOW. We had just launched our first satellite the Childs1 into space. Unfortunately, less than one week into service hackers have taken over the satellite and are now using it to distribute interracial gay porn.

The satellite… childs1 was sent up into space to broadcast our anti masturbation message to the masses as well as do experiments, unfortunately the pro masturbation hacker known as Obamalover69 has commandeered the satellite and […]

Stop Masturbation Now Announces Launch of First Anti Masturbation Satellite

January 14, 2016 8

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Stop Masturbation NOW, a division of SMN Heavy Industries and Chemical, today proudly launched their first satellite into orbit. Named Childs1, the geostationary satellite is capable of broadcasting anti masturbation related materials as well as do experiments.

“Childs1 hopes to be the first of many devices planned for this decade and the next” Said Lonnie Childs, Leader and Founder of Stop Masturbation NOW. “We are reaching an era where Masturbation has had increasing effects on infrastructure and the planet. From […]

Is Masturbation Destroying The Climate?

January 6, 2016 34

SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

A chilling result of a study, released by Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts, and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, entitled: “Masturbation Residue And It’s Effects On The Global Climate “ outlines the direct impact of the masturbator and it’s filth, on the peaceful, God-fearing innocent peoples of the world, and all of God’s creation.

MRFP at 100X magnifications

The Masturbation Residue Film Particle, or MRFP, is the pollutant that clogs both air and water, and has been proven to […]

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

October 28, 2015 6

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to separate themselves from the cancer which had overtaken their homeland and worship the Judeo-Christian deity in peace and freedom, unmolested by their liberal countrymen who forced their godless agenda deep […]

Have Architects Uncovered the Ancient Town of Saddam?

October 19, 2015 0

By: Cassidy Pen, SMN Sclience Reporter

Arabia, Middle East – Newly discovered artifacts from an architectural dig has uncovered what is most likely the ancient birth place of the late despotic Iraqi Ruler, Saddam.

The fiery fate of the doomed city of Saddam has captured the imaginations of archaeologists and world politics wonks for more than a decade. For many years, speculation as to the exact spot of Saddam was debated, but no doubt of the “horror” that “rained down burning sulfur” […]

Pictures of People Watching a 19 Year old Girl Masturbate

September 14, 2015 7

(StopMasturbationNOW)—There is nothing in the universe more disgusting or selfish than female masturbation. To prove this point we got a $50,000 grant from the Federal Government and The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow.

Nothing is more true than someone’s natural instinct and immediate reaction. So we exposed 100 people to a 1 minute clip of an attractive 19 year old female masturbating the results were intense. In the end we had 6 people forced to seek medical assistance and one person […]

“Scientific Study” Requires Men to Masturbate to Pornography

August 13, 2015 43

A “friend” shared a completely disgusting article the other day that claimed a “scientific study” recently found that men ejaculate larger amounts of sperm when they’re with, what they called, “novel” women. I was initially suspicious of this posting, so I read further and realized that this was not a study conducted by faith scientists to help pure, normal men procreate with multiple women.

No, of course not.

This “scientific study” came to its conclusions by way of requiring the men involved […]

Have You Been Touched By The Hand of God?

July 15, 2015 16

 

We here at Stop Masturbation Now Ministries often hear the dribble from masturbators that “Too much build-up of sperm in your system is un-healthy.” While that is partially true, it is not entirely true.

Have you ever wondered why nobody dies from too much build-up? After all, people die if they have too many marijuannas in their system. Why don’t they die if they have too much sperm in their system? The answer is simple. If you have too much seminal […]

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