83 Signs Your Underage Daughter is a Harlot

January 5, 2016 12

[Special thanks to Larry Thomas for his contribution to this sacred undertaking]

Ever wondered if your daughter was a harlot? Now you can know! According to recently updated BDSM-5 (Biblical Diagnostics of Sinogenic Maladies) guidelines, if a pubescent female between the ages of 12 – 17 meets at least six of the following criteria, a diagnosis of raging harlotry is likely. While I always recommend evaluation by a professional (preferably me), a parent (preferably male) who is sufficiently intrusive and insensitive will typically spot […]

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

November 14, 2015 15

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW!

The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who don’t have the advantages afforded to God’s preferred and most loved white children. It is already hard enough to reach these children of masturbaters before it’s too without Horner’s extracurricular activities […]

Top Five Self-Rape Detterents

November 13, 2015 6


Even though the STOP masturbation NOW Ministries are busy fighting heathens, non-Normals, heretics, Big Masturbation, and Common sLIEnce, we can’t be there to help everyone beat off Satan all the time. As such, we have devoted a huge amount of resources and over $500,000 USD to compiling a list of the top deterrents of masturbation, that you too, can use at home and abroad, or whenever the need to curtail self-rape becomes duly necessary […]

Won’t You Please Help?

September 2, 2015 17

For immediate release:

“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed.  The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George […]

Bananas: Satan’s Fruit

July 30, 2015 19


Throughout nature, we at B.L.U.F.F and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow have found a plethora of disgusting natural objects that codify self-rape, but perhaps none is so blatantly obviously created to be a foul dingus as that demonic penis-resembling fruit: the banana.


Here we see Mexicans harvesting bananas, which will fund ISIS, surely

The agenda of this yellow phallus shaped succulent fruit is unclear. Try as though we might, we have yet to be able to get the bananas […]

Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross: Safely Train Your Children To Keep Their Hands Off Their Dangerous Sin-Zones

July 17, 2015 781

Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating? Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan?

Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®! Designed by STOP Masturbation NOW engineers, this wondrous restraining device allows you to go about your day without the nagging suspicion that your offspring are treating their bodies like some kind of perverted amusement park.

Now discounted at $199.99, this miracle of modern Christian […]

The Cold Shower: Nature’s Remedy For A Self-Raping Son, Daughter or Spouse.

June 30, 2015 27


Have you ever caught your own child wrestling Satan’s grasp on their genitals? Have you come home to a moaning spouse, watching an episode of “Three’s Company?” What do you do in this situation? Sure you may spank the gay out of your kids, or discipline your spouse with a rolled-up newspaper. You may even commit an honor-killing. But what about afterwards? What about helping your loved one to maintain their self-purity?

This is when we must look to God. What […]

The Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™

June 28, 2015 22


Hello Faithfriends, Chosen Normals and Pledged Self-Chastes, and our allies! Today we are pleased to present the answer to all your portable anti-masturbation needs, the newly unveiled Anti-Masturbation Go-Board ™, the collapsible restraint system designed by the same people who designed the Anti-Masturbation Cross ™.

In these dark, masturbation laden times, we at B.L.U.F.F R&D heard the requests of parents who bought our extremely successful Anti-Masturbation Cross ™, and their requests for a more portable, easier […]

Can Smoking Help Prevent Masturbation?

April 19, 2015 24

(Stop Masturbation Now)— Smoking has gotten an unfair bad reputation recently. The truth is that smoking can reduce masturbation desires up to 50%. When one smokes two things happen. One, the hands are busy and therefore do not wander to the sin regions of the body. Second, the after effects of smoking leaves the body in a state in which it is less interested in raping itself.


As you […]

Lonnie Childs Demands Mandatory Penile Monitoring For All Masturbators

April 10, 2015 7

We at Stop Masturbation Now have been following the progress of Tina’s Law as it spreads across the United States. Brother Lonnie Childs, in His infinite wisdom, has made “penile monitoring” mandatory for all convicted and suspected male violators of the groundbreaking Anti-Masturbation law. Penile monitoring or, penile plethysmography, is a measure of blood flow to the penis. The penile monitoring is typically achieved by “measuring the circumference of the penis with a mercury-in-rubber or electromechanical strain gauge, or the […]

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