Self-Rape Prevention

Karate for Perverts

Karate for Perverts

Masturbation is a same-sex sex-act that one performs on themselves. By doing so, you touch the sex organ of your own gender and become so aroused that you climax. This conditions the body and mind to become a gay. It’s like Karate for perverts. If you do identify as homosexual, […]

Compound children showing the ropes to the new arrivals

Brother Lonnie’s Skin Bleaching Program Proving a Huge Success

Rejoice brothers and sisters! A moment of righteous vindication is upon us. After weeks of false accusations and liberal media criticism, Brother Lonnie’s Bleach Away The Sin therapy for children of dangerous minorities is exceeding all expectations! Hours after an incentive program was introduced guaranteeing certain benefits for the parents of enrolled children, the […]

Seriously? Really Big Masturbation?

Childs Youth to Protest C.L.I.T.T

TUCSON ARIZONA (SMNNN) Big Masturbation’s latest venture, the Community-Linked Integrated Transit System of Tucson (C.L.I.T.T), is set to be protested by Child’s Youth, the under-aged group of religious activists who are so named for Lonald “Lonnie” Childs. The C.L.I.T.T, which is being misrepresented as a transportation system, is actually a […]

by July 31, 2014 2 comments Lonnie Childs, Morals, Politics, Self-Rape Prevention
Brother Lonnie has SPOKEN! Praise!

Scooters Deemed Most Holy and Non-Masturbatory Form of Motorcycle.

SAFFORD- ARIZONA (SMNNN) In a revelation, His Resplendence  Saint Lonnie Childs has decreed motor scooters to be the most  Holy of all motorcycles. Brother Lonnie stated that he was visited by a beautiful seraphim, which along with granting Brother Lonnie The Secret of  The Universe, also decreed scooters to be […]

by July 31, 2014 5 comments Lonnie Childs, Morals, Self-Rape Prevention
The Five Sins of Buying a Sex Toy

The Five Sins of Buying a Sex Toy

My dear friends in Christ. My daily street ministry preaching Brother Lonnie’s SMN message takes me frequently to the local Adult Book/Head Shop in my town’s downtown area. The best ears for Lonnie’s Holy Word are those most infected with sin. Here’s the truth. Masturbation IS a sin, punishable by […]

by July 30, 2014 23 comments Self-Rape Prevention
A Jam Band Masturbation-orgy recruitment flyer.

“Jam Band”: A Rising Problem

      WATERTOWN CT (SMNNN) “ …every song the Grateful Dead wrote was about masturbation, Satan or fornication! Some lyrics: ” Born in the jungle, raised in the lions,den. Numba one occupation, stealin’ wimmens from dey mans.”- One of their songs TRANSLATION: I am a sub-human beastophile. My job […]

Thinking of self-raping in the bay? Think again, shark-food!

Sharp Rise in Deaths As Sharks Attack and Eat Masturbators

EAST COAST- U.S.A (SMNNN) An unprecedented increase in various species of sharks attacking and eating people, is most likely caused by masturbation, Faithscientists say. This year, dozens of people on the East Coast have been attacked and/or eaten by sharks, and until recently, nobody had even the slightest clue why. […]

by July 28, 2014 33 comments Death, Science, Self-Rape Prevention, Weather
Introducing Masturbators Anonymous: The 12 Steps

Introducing Masturbators Anonymous: The 12 Steps

-Stop Masturbation NOW, Safford, AZ Increasingly, masturbation is being seen as the sinful addiction disease that it is, and recovery programs across the world are being created to address the needs of the self-rapists who are destroying their lives as well as the lives of their families. To this end, […]

Coming Soon To A Campus Near You – Self-Rape Whistle

Coming Soon To A Campus Near You – Self-Rape Whistle

Dr. Paul Horner, a sociology professor at BYU and has just thrown down the gauntlet in the war against self rape with his new invention. He has designed a ‘Self-Rape Whistle’ to help protect today’s youth against the constant barrage of temptation. “The idea is simple” says Dr. Horner. “Whenever […]

by July 25, 2014 49 comments Morals, Self-Rape Prevention
SMN Introduces Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

SMN Introduces Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”

Parents, Do you ever lie awake at night worrying your children are masturbating? I know I sure did, that was until I started tucking my 23 Same Race Normal Children to bed safely wrapped up in the Uncle Lonnie’s “No-Wankie Blankie”. Now I can rest assured that my boys will […]

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