David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

January 11, 2016 51


Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old.

Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when he fell to Earth and immediately began befouling himself. His terrible masturbation fueled howls were soon recorded by some awful person, and through obvious Satanism, were placed “on the air”, which then […]

83 Signs Your Underage Daughter is a Harlot

January 5, 2016 12

[Special thanks to Larry Thomas for his contribution to this sacred undertaking]

Ever wondered if your daughter was a harlot? Now you can know! According to recently updated BDSM-5 (Biblical Diagnostics of Sinogenic Maladies) guidelines, if a pubescent female between the ages of 12 – 17 meets at least six of the following criteria, a diagnosis of raging harlotry is likely. While I always recommend evaluation by a professional (preferably me), a parent (preferably male) who is sufficiently intrusive and insensitive will typically spot […]

New Trend of “Masturdating” Threatens Our Way of Life

June 2, 2015 4


The sickening and immoral trend of reprobate pro-mastubation troglodytes of The United States, #1 country of all time, of “masturdating” has infected our population, like one of the various plagues that were predicted to accompany the End of The World Masturbation Apocalypse.

Masturbators, long proven by our forces, to be horrible and diseased sub-humans, have taken to dating themselves, in a further attempt by Satan to end the world, by means of wanton depravity. Masturbators across the USA have been […]

How to Catch your Teenage Babysitter Masturbating

March 18, 2015 18


(StopMasturbationNOW)—One of the major trials for parents is trusting your house and child to a young stranger.  Whether it be Bible study, PTA meetings, or an evening on the town, many parents need to hire a teenage female to be a substitute parent for an evening.

Unfortunately that babysitter may be ringing her devil’s doorbell on your couch, defiling your home and endangering the well-being of your children. Many parents come home completely unaware of what the babysitter may have done.

However, […]

Masturbator Marries Herself

January 30, 2015 7

Houston TX (SMNN)

A great offense against Our Lords took place in Houston, Texas, when a non-Normal-lesser-gendered married her own self, most likely, having caused the baby Jesus to weep on the cross out of rage and shame.

Non-Normal-Lesser-Gendered Yasmin Eleby, proudly married herself, in a direct affront to decency at the Houston non-Normals ‘Cultural’ center, in a ceremony containing many non-Normals, and most likely, Satan The Devil himself.

Eleby has promised to “Love herself” as a result of this marriage.

SMN spokesperson Dr […]

Are “Crotch Selfies” the new Hip Masturbation Trend?

January 26, 2015 15


(StopMasturbationNow)—Masturbation and technology. Two words that seem forever linked. From pornographic internets sites to online dating, masturbators seem to embrace technology at a dangerous pace. Always trying to stay ahead of parents and watchdog organizations once a technology is exposed they move on to something new.

The latest most dangerous trend is called “crotch selfies”. Girls will often take a picture of their sin cave region to show that they have masturbated and then send them to someone else. That person […]

New Anti-Masturbation Doll Warns When Masturbators Are Near

January 16, 2015 16

Anti-masturbation advocates received favorable news recently upon the announcement of a new doll that is designed to detect the presence of masturbators. The doll, called “Woody The Warning Worm”, was created by faith engineers to illuminate within 50 feet of a detected masturbator.

Melvin Briggs, one of the many faith scientists who created “Woody” discussed with us how the doll works and the many benefits it brings to responsible parents.

Stop Masturbation Now: Hello, Dr. Briggs. Praise Lonnie! How exactly does the […]

In-Depth Interview with Big Masturbation

December 16, 2014 4


We at Stop Masturbation Now are pleased to present this interview with an actual high-ranking official of Big Masturbation. Our own Professor Doctor Wizard Cardinal Thomas Kelly interviewed this “person” about the goals of the B.M movement.

Thomas Kelly: Hello, welcome. Would you care to explain yourself and the actions of your hate-group?

Anonymous Official Masturbator: ….

T.K. : Um, excuse me, would you be so kind as to knock that off for a few minutes while we do this […]

Shia Labeouf Self-Raped at Art Exhibit

November 29, 2014 8

Los Angelos, CA- (SMNN)

Actor Shia Labeouf, known for movies such as Even Stevens and Transformings 4: Rise of The Batman, told pretty much anyone who would listen, that he was a victim of self-rape at an art exhibition.

During the exhibition, Labeouf wore a paper bag on his head that read “I Am Not Famous Anymore”, and sat in a circle and allowed spectators to do whatever they wished to do to him.

” I was doing the arts, and then this […]

Pre-Coming Of The Apocalypse May Have Already Begun

November 16, 2014 3


The End of Days maybe be upon us all, thus ringing in the beginning of the Rapture, and it all centers on one small city in the forgotten state of Connecticut.

Waterbury CT, a small and once-cursed by Native Tee-Pee and Wigwam Indians to be an uninhabitable area, inhabited by violent, indigenous, water-demons, city, made national news when a non-normal man, high on the salts and cracked cocaines, committed a public act of dog-masturbation, while proclaiming he was infected […]

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