Won’t You Please Help?

September 2, 2015 15

For immediate release:

“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed.  The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George […]

Masturbation Made Illegal In All 50 States

July 7, 2015 19

The scourge of masturbation is now on its death throes as the efforts of Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs and a recent decision by the Supreme Court has made “Tina’s Law” mandatory in all 50 states. “Tina’s Law”, named after black singing sensation Tina Turner has made masturbation illegal with fines, imprisonment and forced registration on the sex offender list.

Brother Lonnie has been long ready for this day and has already made appointments to the Council of Morality which enforces Tina’s […]

Lonnie is Homo With the Father

October 21, 2014 15

WARNING: TL;DR

The Father is homo with the Son.
The Son is homo with the Bird.
The Bird is the Word.
In the beginning was the Word,
and the Word was with God,
and the Word was God.
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.
Behold, the Technical Virgin was with child.
And she asked the angel Lorenzo Horatio Ribierto III,
“What shall I call him?”
And he answered her, “You shall call his name ‘Lonnie’,
for he shall save his people from their sin sticks.”

If […]

Tina’s Law and Your Tax Dollars at Work

September 16, 2014 4

As fellow Christians and believers in Brother Lonnie’s divinity you are well aware that South Dakota recently passed Tina’s Law which bans masturbation and dangerous interracial coupling. Many of the naysayers have asked how can you enforce such a law and our answer has always been the Council of Morality and every day citizens who value our freedoms and hate masturbation & dangerous interracial coupling will be the key to making America self-rape and interracial couple free.

It was courageous private […]

Mayor Mike Tyson Curses Out TV Reporter After Being Reminded of Self-Rape Conviction

September 12, 2014 9

Mayor of Toronto, Mike Tyson (pictured above), flew into a profanity-laced tirade after a fellow non-normal news reporter shamefully drudged up a two-decade-old self-rape conviction. On live television, Tyson called news anchor Nathan “Debbie” Downer the f-word, the s-word, and a rat. Such language has never before been heard uncensored on a non-NSFW (Not Safe For Women) broadcast and raises the question of whether Mayor Tyson should again be brought up on charges.

Tyson was understandably mortified to be reminded, along with […]

Bill Gates Donates $1 Million To Gun Control; $2 Million To Tina’s Law

August 27, 2014 4

American Billionaire and sometimes computer whiz kid, Bill Gates, shocked second amendment advocates when he donated $1 million (SMD) to a Washington State campaign to expand background checks on gun sales. The Gates family’s disturbing anti-Bill of Rights donation was negated moments later when Gates donated $2 million (USD) to a committee to get Tina’s Law passed in Washington State.

Tina’s Law, as our staff writer Carlos Danger explains, “makes masturbation illegal and sets up a ‘Council of Morality’ appointed by Brother Lonnie to […]

Tina’s Law Passed in South Dakota

July 23, 2014 25

As part of STOP Masturation NOW’s ongoing mission to eradicate masturbation, Lonnie Childs has sponsored legislature in 18 of the 50 states to make masturbation illegal. Tina’s Law (named after black pop singing sensation Tina Turner) makes masturbation illegal and sets up a “Council of Morality” appointed by Brother Lonnie to enforce the new legislature and to punish masturbaters, their allies and enablers. Punishment includes community service, fines, electrocution to the genitals, removal of hands and death.

Praise be to the […]

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