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How to Report A Masturbator to the Authorities

How to Report A Masturbator to the Authorities

The act of masturbation is illegal in all 50 states and US territories where it is classified as a “lewd and lascivious” act. Police departments are actively seeking out masturbators, as they present a danger to society and the fines associated with this crime generate a lot of revenue for […]

by May 19, 2020 152 comments Morals, Trending
Good Guy Pat Sajak

Good Guy Pat Sajak

by March 14, 2020 3 comments Celebrity, Disciples, Morals, Trending
Michael Thomas Dorgan gets prison time after his 10th conviction for masturbating in public.

Oregon Man Sentenced to 4 ½ Years in State Penitentiary for Masturbation

By Nigel J. Covington III Reporting for SMN News Service (PORTLAND) Michael Thomas Dorgan, 55, of Portland, OR was found guilty Tuesday for the 10th time on a public indecency charge for masturbating in public, prosecutors said. According to FOX News 12, Dorgan was sentenced to four-and-a-half years in prison, […]

by September 7, 2018 10 comments Trending
David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

ENGLAND, PROBABLY, MAYBE SCOTLAND (SMNNN) Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old. Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when […]

Fappy Sentenced To Eight Years Imprisonment

Fappy Sentenced To Eight Years Imprisonment

SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN) Paul Horner, the man inside the Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin furry mascot suit has been sentenced to eight years in federal prison following his arrest for accosting sea-animals at Sea World aquarium. Saul Reubenstein, Horner’s attorney says they tried really hard, but the evidence against Paul Horner […]

by December 2, 2015 9 comments Celebrity, Compound News, Crime, Trending, World
Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

B.L.U.F.F CAMPOUND, SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN) Brother Lonnie Childs revealed today, that God himself, in all his Godly splendor and wisdom, decreed unto Brother Lonnie the command to augment the traditional Ten Commandments, and replace them throughout the Christian world with the New Eleven Commandments. The Eleven Commandments remain largely unchanged […]

by November 18, 2015 3 comments History, Lonnie Childs, Morals, Premier, Trending, World
New Trend of “Masturdating” Threatens Our Way of Life

New Trend of “Masturdating” Threatens Our Way of Life

U.S.A- SMNNN The sickening and immoral trend of reprobate pro-mastubation troglodytes of The United States, #1 country of all time, of “masturdating” has infected our population, like one of the various plagues that were predicted to accompany the End of The World Masturbation Apocalypse. Masturbators, long proven by our forces, […]

Breaking News: Masturbation Causes NYC Building Collapse

Breaking News: Masturbation Causes NYC Building Collapse

(StopMasturbationNOW)— A residential apartment building collapsed and was engulfed in flames today in New York City’s East Village neighborhood. There was no immediate information on possible injuries, said a spokesman for the New York Police Department. Live footage on local television showed a residential apartment building engulfed in flames and […]

by March 26, 2015 10 comments Trending
Masturbators Catfished By SexBot at SBSW Festival!

Masturbators Catfished By SexBot at SBSW Festival!

Flock, it has come to my attention that a rather significant secular music festival, South By Southwest (SBSW), is currently taking place in Austin, Massachusetts.  Like any festival, desperate masturbators looking for self-rape material are swiping left and right on the masturbation app, Tinder.  Hilariously, some are finding out their […]

by March 17, 2015 4 comments Trending
Keith Olbermann Goes Into Masturbation Rage

Keith Olbermann Goes Into Masturbation Rage

(StopMasturbationNow)—ESPN television host and frequent job changer Keith Olbermann suffered a masturbation induced rage episode where he attacked Penn State University students who raised money to fight pediatric cancer. The shameful incident happened Sunday night on twitter of course. Masturbatory rage is an almost involuntary mental state where one’s lifetime […]

by February 24, 2015 4 comments Trending
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