David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

January 11, 2016 51


Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old.

Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when he fell to Earth and immediately began befouling himself. His terrible masturbation fueled howls were soon recorded by some awful person, and through obvious Satanism, were placed “on the air”, which then […]

Fappy Sentenced To Eight Years Imprisonment

December 2, 2015 9


Paul Horner, the man inside the Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin furry mascot suit has been sentenced to eight years in federal prison following his arrest for accosting sea-animals at Sea World aquarium.

Saul Reubenstein, Horner’s attorney says they tried really hard, but the evidence against Paul Horner was far too damning. ” We thought we were gonna get him off,  Scott-free, but a new high-definition video taken by bystander Doug Pinnick, clearly shows him inserting his (censored) into a […]

Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

November 18, 2015 3


Brother Lonnie Childs revealed today, that God himself, in all his Godly splendor and wisdom, decreed unto Brother Lonnie the command to augment the traditional Ten Commandments, and replace them throughout the Christian world with the New Eleven Commandments.

The Eleven Commandments remain largely unchanged save for the new First Commandment: Thou Shall Not Masturbate.

Brother Lonnie also calls for unanimous acceptance of this new Eleven Commandments in public and educational systems throughout the world.

” There’s no ifs, […]

New Trend of “Masturdating” Threatens Our Way of Life

June 2, 2015 4


The sickening and immoral trend of reprobate pro-mastubation troglodytes of The United States, #1 country of all time, of “masturdating” has infected our population, like one of the various plagues that were predicted to accompany the End of The World Masturbation Apocalypse.

Masturbators, long proven by our forces, to be horrible and diseased sub-humans, have taken to dating themselves, in a further attempt by Satan to end the world, by means of wanton depravity. Masturbators across the USA have been […]

Breaking News: Masturbation Causes NYC Building Collapse

March 26, 2015 10

(StopMasturbationNOW)— A residential apartment building collapsed and was engulfed in flames today in New York City’s East Village neighborhood. There was no immediate information on possible injuries, said a spokesman for the New York Police Department.

Live footage on local television showed a residential apartment building engulfed in flames and heavy smoke. Early investigations have revealed that the building showed significant foundation erosion from semen and structural weakening from masturbation induced vibrations.

Local television also reported a large explosion at the scene and […]

Masturbators Catfished By SexBot at SBSW Festival!

March 17, 2015 4

Flock, it has come to my attention that a rather significant secular music festival, South By Southwest (SBSW), is currently taking place in Austin, Massachusetts.  Like any festival, desperate masturbators looking for self-rape material are swiping left and right on the masturbation app, Tinder.  Hilariously, some are finding out their perfect match isn’t what it seems.  Meet “Ava”, the 25-year-old that’s taken SBSW by storm.

Sorry, masturbators! She’s just a sexbot!

After matching with her, “Ava” lures her potential mate into thinking […]

Keith Olbermann Goes Into Masturbation Rage

February 24, 2015 4

(StopMasturbationNow)—ESPN television host and frequent job changer Keith Olbermann suffered a masturbation induced rage episode where he attacked Penn State University students who raised money to fight pediatric cancer. The shameful incident happened Sunday night on twitter of course.

Masturbatory rage is an almost involuntary mental state where one’s lifetime self-raping builds to a level that the human brain simply cannot tolerate. At this point people often say or do senseless things than any rational person would never do.

 What set […]

Arizona Pastor Jailed for Feeding Homeless

February 13, 2015 5

PHOENIX, ARIZ. — In a fiery press conference, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio angrily defended the arrest of Pastor Lonnie Childs at his mobile soup kitchen outside a Phoenix homeless shelter. On Saturday evening, the Christian pastor was charged by Sheriff’s deputies with violating a recently enacted law prohibiting food-sharing operations within Phoenix city limits and resisting arrest without violence.

Pastor Lonnie Childs being placed under arrest by Maricopa County Sheriffs for feeding the homeless

The B.L.U.F.F. (Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts™) van, known […]

Will Farrell Shows Obama 2 Girls 1 Can

January 28, 2015 6

(StopMasturbationNow)—Obama is a terrible president. No wonder he can be found here laughing at the grotesque film “2 girls 1 can” on an Macintosh ipad.

Will Farrell is best known for starring in the Vacation movies alongside Denis Quaid.



I cannot wait until we have a whiter president –Lonnie

Shia Labeouf Self-Raped at Art Exhibit

November 29, 2014 8

Los Angelos, CA- (SMNN)

Actor Shia Labeouf, known for movies such as Even Stevens and Transformings 4: Rise of The Batman, told pretty much anyone who would listen, that he was a victim of self-rape at an art exhibition.

During the exhibition, Labeouf wore a paper bag on his head that read “I Am Not Famous Anymore”, and sat in a circle and allowed spectators to do whatever they wished to do to him.

” I was doing the arts, and then this […]

1 2 3 7