The SMN Guide to Male Urination

February 16, 2016 9

One of the biggest questions that we get here at STOP Masturbation NOW is, “How can I urinate without becoming a sinner?” Rest assured, good man!  There are a number of ways to urinate and still be in good-shape come time for the Rapture.

Before we get into the actual act of relieving one’s self, let us cover a couple basics first.

If you are urinating in a public building, see if you can use the cripple’s-only restroom.  They tend to be […]

Rain in Washington D.C. Thought To Be God’s Tears Following Landmark Decision To Allow Gay Marriage

June 27, 2015 19

SMNNN (WASHINGTON D.C.) reports rain and thunderstorms in the Washington D.C. today, following the landmark decision by the Supreme Court to recognize gay homosex marriage and queerosexual unions, and to disobey the Lord and his holy wishes, ultimately ushering in the Rapture, signifying the beginning of the end of the world as we know it.

The rain and thunder were said by local Lonvidians to be “a sure sign of (the rapture)” and “probably ( the tears of a weeping God, […]

New Trend of “Masturdating” Threatens Our Way of Life

June 2, 2015 4


The sickening and immoral trend of reprobate pro-mastubation troglodytes of The United States, #1 country of all time, of “masturdating” has infected our population, like one of the various plagues that were predicted to accompany the End of The World Masturbation Apocalypse.

Masturbators, long proven by our forces, to be horrible and diseased sub-humans, have taken to dating themselves, in a further attempt by Satan to end the world, by means of wanton depravity. Masturbators across the USA have been […]

Top Five Cultures To Go Extinct From Masturbation

May 20, 2015 10


Throughout the 8,400 years man and the entire world has existed, many nations rose from self-sin, and shamed creation, and rightfully so, became extinct.

Here is a list of the top five cultures of people to extinct from masturbation:


China, largest nation in the Ornament, is not entirely backwards these days, and even produces a decent scooter, and many affordable Android Based Lonniepop(tm) faith-based tablets. But that probably wouldn’t have happened if the horseophiles of Mongolia had succeeded in self-raping, […]

Ronda Rousey is no Mike Tyson

April 10, 2015 7

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Lately there have been a lot of camparisons drawn between Ronda Rousey and Mike Tyson. Ronda Rousey is the current  UFC Women’s Bantamweight Champion where she is an undefeated 11-o. She wins most of her wins by submission and most fights have been finished within minutes.  Mike Tyson had a similar run in the day. He won his first 19 professional bouts by knockout, 12 of them in the first round.

People have been drawn to compare them, their records, and level […]

Is Your Wife, Daughter, or Gay Son Masturbating With Household Items?

April 1, 2015 13

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation in a home can be a most dangerous thing. Besides the obvious physical dangers you are also inviting Satan to live with you. Well fathers, you need to be on the lookout, wives daughters and the gays are self-raping with household items.

As items such as hair curlers, baby toys and even your tools can be inserted into the anus or vagina for reasons of sinpleasure.

Take a look at just some of the items we found:

Why is this happening? […]

In-Depth Interview with Big Masturbation

December 16, 2014 4


We at Stop Masturbation Now are pleased to present this interview with an actual high-ranking official of Big Masturbation. Our own Professor Doctor Wizard Cardinal Thomas Kelly interviewed this “person” about the goals of the B.M movement.

Thomas Kelly: Hello, welcome. Would you care to explain yourself and the actions of your hate-group?

Anonymous Official Masturbator: ….

T.K. : Um, excuse me, would you be so kind as to knock that off for a few minutes while we do this […]

Shia Labeouf Self-Raped at Art Exhibit

November 29, 2014 8

Los Angelos, CA- (SMNN)

Actor Shia Labeouf, known for movies such as Even Stevens and Transformings 4: Rise of The Batman, told pretty much anyone who would listen, that he was a victim of self-rape at an art exhibition.

During the exhibition, Labeouf wore a paper bag on his head that read “I Am Not Famous Anymore”, and sat in a circle and allowed spectators to do whatever they wished to do to him.

” I was doing the arts, and then this […]

Masturbators Destroy Ferguson

November 25, 2014 24

The Governor of Missouri has called for Education, not Looting.

In the aftermath of the Grand Jury decision to let Officer Darren Wilson avoid charges in the death of Michael Brown, I believe that TRUE JUSTICE was delivered. White Police should never go to trial over killing a violent tribal kid. Just look at Trayvon Martin. That violent negro tried to get uppity with an American who had a concealed carry permit. Blacks need to learn their […]

Attempt to Cremate 500lb Masturbator Burns Down Crematorium

October 9, 2014 11


Alfonzo (last name withheld) died last week of masturbatory semen toxemia, a horrible condition caused by years of shameless and compulsive self-rape, which causes it’s victims to inflate with excess semen due to an over-stimulated sin-center in the masturbatory cortex. Alfonzo suffered from this disease for weeks until he died on September 30, 2014.

In accordance with the (name withheld) family, who are devote Branch Lonvidians, Alfonzo was set to be cremated, as his shameful medical condition rendered him unpure, […]

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