Masturbation Rates Up In Areas Hit By Blizzard: What Can You Do To Stay Safe

January 23, 2016 18

(StopMasturbationNOW)— The great Blizzard of 2016 is rolling up the east coast and with it people are staying home to avoid the snow and bad roads. Unfortunately a consequence of this is people have much more free time and isolation which is a recipe for masturbation disaster.

In Baltimore alone masturbation rates are up almost 335%, in Philadelphia 280%, Long Island over 200%.

“The combination of the blizzard conditions combined with a weekend where people don’t have to work makes for […]

Is Masturbation Destroying The Climate?

January 6, 2016 33

SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

A chilling result of a study, released by Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts, and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, entitled: “Masturbation Residue And It’s Effects On The Global Climate “ outlines the direct impact of the masturbator and it’s filth, on the peaceful, God-fearing innocent peoples of the world, and all of God’s creation.

MRFP at 100X magnifications

The Masturbation Residue Film Particle, or MRFP, is the pollutant that clogs both air and water, and has been proven to […]

Rain in Washington D.C. Thought To Be God’s Tears Following Landmark Decision To Allow Gay Marriage

June 27, 2015 18

SMNNN (WASHINGTON D.C.)

Weather.com reports rain and thunderstorms in the Washington D.C. today, following the landmark decision by the Supreme Court to recognize gay homosex marriage and queerosexual unions, and to disobey the Lord and his holy wishes, ultimately ushering in the Rapture, signifying the beginning of the end of the world as we know it.

The rain and thunder were said by local Lonvidians to be “a sure sign of (the rapture)” and “probably ( the tears of a weeping God, […]

Mexico Punished By Huge Volcanic Eruption

April 27, 2015 11

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Praise Lonnie Childs! The Calbuco volcano in the Mexican state of Chile continued erupting for the second week causing over 6500 people to flee their mud huts. The ash and fire has reportedly shot as high as 40,000 feet. About 1,500 people in Ensenada, in the foothills of the volcano, were told to evacuate earlier this week, essentially turning it into a ghost town, The Associated Press reported. A new round of evacuations came Friday as ash and mud were […]

Lonnie Sends Storm to Liberal New England States to Prove Global Warming a Myth

January 26, 2015 6

(StopMasturbationNow)—Our Leader Lonnie in his infinite wisdom and glory has prayed for a winter storm like no other to bury liberal northeastern states. This will once and for all prove that global warming is a liberal hoax.

Already called the storm of the century, a Blizzard is currently working its way to the new York City area. Over 6100 airline flights have been canceled as well as sport events.

“It is no joke to have people stranded on a highway. We’ve gone […]

Masturbation-Feuled Flaming Gas Crater Intensifies

August 6, 2014 27

Turkmenistan- (SMNNN)

In the backward and primitive sand covered land of Turkmenistan, the Portal To Hell, a large super-natural fire filled hole in the ground, powered by the Earth’s release of natural gas, and God’s rage, has increased by 27% in intensity since last year. Faithscientists place the blame squarely on masturbation.

The Portal To Hell formed in 1971, at the height of the Communist Gayosexual Hippie Masturbation Revolution, wherein global Masturbation Residue Film Particles (MRFP) were at a historical high. The […]

2015 “El Niño” Prediction Revised; Reduction In Masturbation Rates Likely Source

August 2, 2014 5

The Bureau of Meteorology has revised their “El Niño” prediction for 2015 down to a 50 per cent chance yesterday. This comes after their earlier issued prediction of a 70 per cent or greater chance of “El Niño” impacting Americans next year. Faith Scientists have also been warning of extreme weather coming to American shores in 2015.

“El Niño”, Mexican for small male non-normal child, occurs when instead of the usual semen deposits in the water off the shores of Mexico and […]

Masturbation Causes Increase in Yellowstone Caldera Volcanic Activity

July 30, 2014 18

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK/ PORTAL TO HELL (SMNNN)

The Yellowstone super volcano is due for the largest eruption ever seen in the 8,000 year history of the Earth, and masturbation is definitely the causes, say leading Faithvolcanologists.

MRFP particles in the area contributed to this disaster, or will contribute, rather. As it’s gonna happen.

Masturbation, long conclusively proven to be causing Global Warmings, is now known to be hydraulically super-heating the Yellowstone magma and turbo-charging it’s hot-spot plume.

Masturbation residue film particles (MRFP) have been […]

Sharp Rise in Deaths As Sharks Attack and Eat Masturbators

July 28, 2014 32

EAST COAST- U.S.A (SMNNN)

An unprecedented increase in various species of sharks attacking and eating people, is most likely caused by masturbation, Faithscientists say.

This year, dozens of people on the East Coast have been attacked and/or eaten by sharks, and until recently, nobody had even the slightest clue why. A team of elite anti-masturbation Faithmarinebiologists spent weeks baiting sharks and experimenting on their corpses. They have concluded that all people consumed by ravenous sharks were masturbating.

Sharks, which are already agitated, are […]

Girl Killed by Meteor Strike While Masturbating

July 25, 2014 40

Chelyabinsk, Russian Communist C.C.C.P (SMNN)

Thanks to a huge out-pouring of public information, B.L.U.F.F and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow’s informational staff have found evidence that a 16-year-old female was killed by a meteorite impact, while masturbating outside, during the Chelyabinsk Meteor Incident in February of 2013.

Magda Leshniac had been forbidden from masturbating within her home by her father Gregorz, who is a devout Ukrainian Orthodox Lonnistian, and was banished from her home, and sent to live outside.

Said Mr. Leshniac, […]

1 2
%d bloggers like this: