[Special thanks to Larry Thomas for his contribution to this sacred undertaking]
Ever wondered if your daughter was a harlot? Now you can know! According to recently updated BDSM-5 (Biblical Diagnostics of Sinogenic Maladies) guidelines, if a pubescent female between the ages of 12 – 17 meets at least six of the following criteria, a diagnosis of raging harlotry is likely. While I always recommend evaluation by a professional (preferably me), a parent (preferably male) who is sufficiently intrusive and insensitive will typically spot the signs if they know what to look for.
In no particular (wh)order:
1. She has harlot friends.
2. She has a harlot mother.
3. She has a bad relationship with her father.
4. She owns Hello Kitty merchandise even though she’s not a Chineser.
5. She owns a cell phone.
6. She drives.
7. She goes to sleepovers at her friends’ houses.
8. She has henna tattoos.
9. She had breasts at age 11.
10. She cuts out pictures of teen heartthrobs and puts them on her notebook.
11. She was sent away to an all-girl school.
19. She doesn’t shave her pubic hair.
23. She has a Tumblr account.
24. She has an Instagram account.
26. She drinks coffee.
29. She’s mentioned vampires before in casual conversation.
31. She has a harlot sister.
32. She’s hooked up with her brother.
33. She’s questioned parental authority more than three times in the past year.
34. She keeps a diary and she’s not hiding from Nazis.
35. She prefers Pandora over Spotify because she likes to just “let it happen”.
36. She has a YouTube channel.
37. She stuffs or has stuffed to make her non-existent breasts look existent.
38. She asks you questions about sex even though you already had the talk with her once years ago.
39. She goes to youth group on weeknights but not Sunday morning.
40. She wears skirts or shorts that show kneecap.
41. She has a tan.
42. She’s lied to you before.
43. She refuses to sign the STOP Masturbation NOW pledge.
44. She “lost” her purity ring.
45. Her hymen is busted and she’s never gone horseback riding.
46. She really likes horseback riding.
47. She’s traveled outside of the county without parental supervision.
48. She looks forward to Halloween.
49. She’s taken two or more consecutive selfies without changing her outfit or location or in any way differentiating between the photos.
50. She’s listened to the hour long version of Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” on YouTube.
51. She’s filmed homemade pornographics.
52. Her notch count is higher than her SAT score.
53. She’s had an abortion without getting your permission.
54. She’s expressed support for a Democratic presidential, gubernatorial, senatorial, or mayoral candidate.
55. She’s participated in unpaid political activism of any kind.
56. She’s generous to strangers.
57. She thinks black lives matter.
This fine officer of the law’s facial expression says it all. Thank you, sir, for continuing to do your public duty in the presence of such unfeminine disrespect! Also notice the whore mother-whore daughter connection. While only two of the necessary six or more conditions are displayed in this picture, the outcome is nearly certain.
59. She’s used sarcasm before as a defense mechanism.
60. She’s attractive enough to get a guy to sleep with her without having to first stop to purchase a brown paper bag, but not attractive enough to make him wait any longer than that.
61. She tries to cover her acne with white, cakey make-up. Like, eww.
62. She considers Katniss Everdeen to be a role model.
63. She expressed disapproval of men who looked at leaked nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence circa The Fappening.
64. She “doesn’t know what she believes” about God.
65. She’s used profanity in the past when angry.
66. She cries easily.
67. Her hygiene is occasionally substandard.
68. She eats fast food more than three times per week.
69. She’s never heard of Lonnie Childs.
70. She hasn’t been pledged to her future SRAS yet.
71. She regularly complains of heartburn.
72. She’s visited the gynecologist more than twice in the past year.
73. She carries a 12-pack of Trojan condoms and a can of pineapple juice in her backpack.
74. You’ve become a grandparent for the third time in the last five years.
75. Her favorite color is red.
76. She blinks when she hears the number ’69’.
77. She has a friend with a tongue ring.
78. She likes pudding.
79. She has artistic talent.
80. Her stuffed animals appear smashed in and damp on one side.
81. She can sympathize with Taylor Swift lyrics.
82. She refers to herself using any of the following terms: “whore”, “slut”, “skank”, “ho”, “hood rat”, “club rat”, “ratchet ass hoochie ho”, “kardashian”.
83. She has exchanged sexual favors for money.
This touches just the tip, of course, but our holy netsite only has so much bandwith. You can bet there will be further installments in the future, as sure as a shadowy cabal of shape-shifting humanoid reptiles from another dimension manipulate the inner workings of the otherwise godly U.S. government. A parent can never be too confident that their underage daughter is not an unprincipled harlot. As that one weird looking guy who lost an eye to masturbation from the Satanic witch cult Harry Potter snuff movies was fond of saying, “Constant vigilance!”
Yes, constant vigilance indeed. Don’t trust her with your keys, don’t trust her with her vagina, don’t trust her with her eternal soul. The stakes are far too high. And people might think less of you if they find out you raised a slut.